Juvenile joke thread (7 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do
is
> > stalk
> > them and hope they panic and give in.
> >
> > I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
> > assholes.
> >
> > I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes
> > suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
> >
> > I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After
> >
> > that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
> >
> > I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they
are more
> >
> > screwed up than you think.
> >
> > I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
> > finished.
> >
> > I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
> > celebrities.
> >
> > I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at
> > first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take
> > its
> > place.
> >
> > I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in
your
> > house, one of your kids did it.
> >
> > I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from
> > you
> > too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
> >
> > I've learned to say "F--- 'em" if they can't take a joke.
> >
is
> > stalk
> > them and hope they panic and give in.
> >
> > I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
> > assholes.
> >
> > I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes
> > suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
> >
> > I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After
> >
> > that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
> >
> > I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they
are more
> >
> > screwed up than you think.
> >
> > I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
> > finished.
> >
> > I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
> > celebrities.
> >
> > I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at
> > first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take
> > its
> > place.
> >
> > I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in
your
> > house, one of your kids did it.
> >
> > I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from
> > you
> > too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
> >
> > I've learned to say "F--- 'em" if they can't take a joke.
> >
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
>Saddam himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to
>let
>him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
>appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
>
>Bush was baffled (well! he would, wouldn't he?), so he typed it out and
>emailed it to Colon (sorry!) Colin Powell.
>Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one
>could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the
>Secret
>Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help.
>
>They cabled the White House:
>"Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down..."
>Saddam himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to
>let
>him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
>appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
>
>Bush was baffled (well! he would, wouldn't he?), so he typed it out and
>emailed it to Colon (sorry!) Colin Powell.
>Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one
>could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the
>Secret
>Service. Eventually they asked MI6 for help.
>
>They cabled the White House:
>"Tell the president he is looking at the message upside down..."
> >>>From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
> >>>
> >>>What makes 100%?
> >>>What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
> >>>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
> >>>100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
> >>>give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
> >>>
> >>>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
> >>>these
> >>>questions:
> >>>
> >>>If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
> >>>represented
> >>>
> >>>as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
> >>>25 26
> >>>
> >>>Then:
> >>>
> >>>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
> >>>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
> >>>and
> >>>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> >>>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
> >>>
> >>>But,
> >>>
> >>>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> >>>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
> >>>and
> >>>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
> >>>21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
> >>>
> >>>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
> >>>
> >>>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> >>>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
> >>>
> >>>So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
> >>>
> >>>While, Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude
> >>>will
> get
> >>>you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
> >>>
> >>>Hmmmmm!?!?
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>What makes 100%?
> >>>What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
> >>>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
> >>>100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
> >>>give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
> >>>
> >>>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
> >>>these
> >>>questions:
> >>>
> >>>If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
> >>>represented
> >>>
> >>>as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
> >>>25 26
> >>>
> >>>Then:
> >>>
> >>>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
> >>>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
> >>>and
> >>>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> >>>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
> >>>
> >>>But,
> >>>
> >>>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> >>>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
> >>>and
> >>>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
> >>>21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
> >>>
> >>>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
> >>>
> >>>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
> >>>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
> >>>
> >>>So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
> >>>
> >>>While, Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude
> >>>will
> get
> >>>you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
> >>>
> >>>Hmmmmm!?!?
> >>>
25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP
> > >
> > > 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
> > > 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep
> > > more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up,
> > > not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an
> > > elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
> > > 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break
>up..
> > > 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
> > > 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10.
> > > You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
> > > door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel
> > > comfortable telling s ex jokes around
>you..
> > > 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your
> > > car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your
> > > dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds
>leftovers..
> > > 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> > > 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
> > > 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
>of
> > one.
> > > 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
> > > rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for
> > > ibuprofen and antacid, not
>condoms
> > > and pregnancy tests.
> > > 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21.
> > > You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just
> > > can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
>going
> > > to drink that much again."
> > > 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
>work.
> > > 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a
>bar.
> > > 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
>that
> > > doesn't apply to you.
> > >
> > > 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
> > > 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep
> > > more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up,
> > > not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an
> > > elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
> > > 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break
>up..
> > > 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
> > > 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10.
> > > You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
> > > door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel
> > > comfortable telling s ex jokes around
>you..
> > > 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your
> > > car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your
> > > dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds
>leftovers..
> > > 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> > > 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
> > > 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
>of
> > one.
> > > 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
> > > rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for
> > > ibuprofen and antacid, not
>condoms
> > > and pregnancy tests.
> > > 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21.
> > > You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just
> > > can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
>going
> > > to drink that much again."
> > > 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
>work.
> > > 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a
>bar.
> > > 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
>that
> > > doesn't apply to you.
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