Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)

[Chxta]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150." The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Chxta]

1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type in "failure"
3. Then click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

 

[V]

Frank walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a
blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Frank and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Frank said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Frank placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her 20 dollars to Frank, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Frank replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Frank took the money!

 

[Martin]

You want to see this:

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/940/

 

[Chxta]

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

 

[Chxta]

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

 

[del pietro]

 

[Chxta]

 

[Enron]

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

Awesome.

 

[mikhail]

What qualifications do you need to become a garbageman?

None, you pick it up as you go along.

 

[Layce Erayce]

What qualifications do you need to become a garbageman?

None, you pick it up as you go along.

 

[Eddy]

You want to see this:

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/940/

That's just sad...

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

All of you click on the link in my sig, you will nut your pants.

 

[Chxta]

A man walks into work one morning with his arm hurting like hell. He tells one of his co-workers about it and the guy says to him, “Why don't you head down to the drugstore on the corner? There's a new machine there that can help you out, and all you need is 5 dollars and a urine sample.”

The man is skeptical, but decides to give it a try. So, on his lunch break, he heads over to the drugstore, picks up a sample cup, pees into it, then goes over to the machine, puts in his 5 dollars and waits. Some seconds later, the machine prints out a report which says, “You have tennis elbow. Go home, put some ice on it, and you'll feel better in the morning.”

The man is amazed. On his way out, he decides to see if the machine can be fooled, so he takes another urine cup and goes home. When he gets there, he fills it with some tap water, feaces from his dog, some urine from his wife, urine from his daughter, and finally, some of his own sperm.

The next day, he heads back to the machine, pays another 5 dollars, slots in the sample cup, and waits with a grin on his face. Some seconds later, the machine prints out the following report:

1. Your tap water shows trace elements of metal. Get a drain cleaner.
2. Your dog has some rather nasty worms. Get it to the vet. Fast.
3. Your daughter is doing cocaine. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins and they're not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, that elbow of yours is never going to get better.

 

[Chxta]

woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is At site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people 4rm neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this. de man asked junior to tell everybody wat the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number u r Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment Pls Try Again Later.....

 

[Elvin]

You want to see this:

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/940/

OMG, I didn't think they're that dumb

 

[Chxta]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly said, to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, " Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, " Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish... the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...the cat jumps for the mouse... the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches....some pussy is in danger.

 

[Menace]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?



















nothing, shes already been told twice