Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (182 Viewers)

[V]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

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[V]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

[V]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

 

[HelterSkelter]

 

[V]

poor fella..

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

 

[V]

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

 

[V]

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

fulla schitt, giva schitt

 

[HelterSkelter]

once upon a time inter won the scudetto.

 

[V]

++ [ originally posted by axlrose85 ] ++
once upon a time inter won the scudetto.

 

[mikhail]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "What is the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,and the moral of the story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Joanna. Aunt Jo was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun then ran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens, " said the horrified teacher "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fcuk away from Aunt Jo when she's been drinking."

 

[Azzurri7]

++ [ originally posted by axlrose85 ] ++
once upon a time inter won the scudetto.

 

[mikhail]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millons of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "There are millions of stars, Saturn is in Leo, the time is approximately a quarter past three and I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes sighed, was silent for a moment, then spoke, "Someone stole our tent Watson."

 

[Tifoso]

++ [ originally posted by mikhail ] ++
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"
Watson replied, "I see millions and millons of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "There are millions of stars, Saturn is in Leo, the time is approximately a quarter past three and I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes sighed, was silent for a moment, then spoke, "Someone stole our tent Watson."

:LOL:

 

[Chxta]

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTANI ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally
that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of
vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

NIGERIAN ECONOMICS:
You have two cows
You eat one and claim it was stolen
Call in the Police to investigate
Police arrested everyone living within 100km
Torture them thoroughly until someone admitted
kidnapping the cow
The police instead collected one cow each from
everybody arrested
You have your cow back and the Police now owns a
cattle farm.

 

[Chxta]

YORUBA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U kill them both
And throw an owambe party!

IBO ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U make very good counterfeits of them
And sell for the price of the real cows!

HAUSA ECONOMICS
You have two yo cows
You rear them till they are four
Make sure ur kids rear cows too
And just maintain!
SOUTH SOUTH ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You show off to the nation
Make sure u invite the world to eat
And shout ur being cheated and set cows on fire!

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

:LOL:

 

[Cronios]

I dont know if its posted again...



earlier on in the year...

Roma coach Luigi Del Neri is having a chat with Inter boss Roberto Mancini.

Del Neri: Roberto how is it that your squad are practically unbeatable this season?

Mancini That's easy. I have Surrounded myself with intelligent players.

Del Neri: But how do you know if they're intelligent?

Mancini: I pose them a simple question. I'll show you.

Mancini proceeds to ring up Javier Zanetti and put him on speaker phone...

Mancini:Javier, it's Mancini here. I have a quick question for you. If your father has a child, but this child is neither your brother nor your sister, then who is it?

J. Zanetti: That's easy, it's me.

Mancini: Thanks thats perfect, see you at practice.

Del Neri: Excellent question. That is a really good way of testing your players intelligence.

A few days later Del Neri is at Trigoria watching his Roma side training, and then he calls Francesco Totti over.

Del Neri: Francesco, is just want to ask you a quick question. If your father has a child and your mother has a child,
but this child is neither your brother nor sister,
then who is it?

Totti, in some difficulty, concentrates hard on the question...

Totti: Not my brother... not my sister...then who is it? Is it Ok if i have ten minutes boss?

Del Neri: Sure. You can tell me even after training.

Totti quickly went to his teammates and asked them the same question. Antonio Cassano, Vincenzo Montella and Ivan Pellizzolli were stumped... So Totti went next door and asked Nino the shop owner the same question.

Nino: Francesco, you are an idiot, it's me, isn't it?

Totti excitedly ran back to Del Neri.

Totti: I have the answer boss.

Del Neri: Godd tell me.

Totti: it's Nino the shop owner.

Del Neri: Totti, you are an idiot, Its Javier Zanetti!!

 

[Maher]

hahaahaahah

 

[Chxta]

 

[Maher]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
OR
WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"