Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)

[swag]

So a Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest, noticing this strange subatomic particle entering the chapel, confronts him, saying, "Hey -- we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."

To which the Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

 

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[Sheik Yerbouti]

Had to Wiki Higgs boson, but that's a pretty good joke!

 

[ReBeL]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[Yamen]

I guess they haven't age one bit, huh!

 

[Nedvěd]

She'd a be a Jew GILF.

 

[ReBeL]

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Casanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter.

The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way.

Well finally they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women.

Our Tiger did not want to her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." She believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and began to look for his new bride.

When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her. "Mary, Mary, where are you?" Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very angry and frustrated.

"You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him. "Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

Mary says, "Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has one also" and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.

"Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one," he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. "You dumb ass, pendejo, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him, "YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE."

 

[ReBeL]

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

 

[icemaη]

I'm sure the guy was Somalian and goes by the name Osman

 

[Klin]

Once upon a time there were a Maltese couple who decided to go to Jerusalem for a holiday with the woman's mother. While the three of them were there, the woman's mother died of a heart attack. Some random undertaker in Jerusalem told them the 2 options they had, which were; they could pay €3000 to take her back to Malta and bury her there or pay only €100 to bury her in Jerusalem. Without thinking much, the man told him "We'd take your first option to bury her in Malta." The undertaker, very confused replied "But why are you willing to pay such a sum when it could be done for a much lower fee?". The men replied "2000 or so years ago, a man was killed and buried here and after 3 days he woke up from death. I wouldn't take such a risk."

 

[Cirillo]

Man Rules
At last SOME guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side..
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up,
you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket or motor sports.

1. You have enough
clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[swag]

Here's a topical one for our ultras...

Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

A: A pilot, you racist piece of shit.

 

[ALC]

Here's a topical one for our ultras...

Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

A: A pilot, you racist piece of shit.

 

[da_ledgeaun]

A college student wrote a letter home. It read, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

I like this one, we have an indonesian version also,pretty much the same..

 

[Nzoric]

A flight from London to Washington has left the ground. Somewhere over the Atlantic, the speakers are turned on and the soothing voice of the pilot comes through: I'm afraid that both our engines have failed, and we will crash in a few minutes. Please be seated and keep calm.

A woman start frantically crying, rises from her seat, removes all her clothes and shouts out "Is there a man in here who will make me really feel like a woman once more before I die?!"

A man from across the plane stands up, removes his shirt and throws it at her "Here! Iron this!"

 

[Klin]

 

[ALC]

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?

crackers with cheese

 

[V]

The Penis' plea

Respected Administration,

I, Penis, hereby demand a raise due to the following:

1. I work hard, physical labor
2. I work at great depths with no ventilation
3. I am always thrown head-first into the field
4. I have no rights to weekends, holidays or vacations
5. I work at high temperatures in very moist conditions
6. I get no over-time
7. My job exposes me to various diseases

Respectfully yours,

Penis


Administration's reply

Respected Mr. Penis,

after careful consideration of your plea, the Administration has decided to turn down your request for a raise, due to the following reasons:

1. You do not work even close to 8 hours a day
2. You get quickly tired and fall asleep after short periods of labor
3. Frequently you do not heed the orders from the Administration
4. You do not stay at designated locations and at your own will try to visit other, nearby, jurisdictions
5. You do not take initiative, you need to be stimulated before starting work
6. The workplace when you are finished is left in chaos
7. More often than not you fail to adhere necessary safety protocols(wearing of protective clothing, etc.)
8. You will go into pension before you turn 65
9. You come and leave the workplace at your own will, always carrying two suspicious looking bags with you

Respectfully yours,

Administration

 

[icemaη]

Q. What's the easiest way to get gum off your hair?
A. Cancer