Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (41 Viewers)

[Chxta]

Some stupid questions' people usually ask in
obvious situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: -Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: - Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: -sorry, did that hurt?
Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: - Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: - Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question: - Is the dish good??
Answer: - No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: -my dear, you've become so big.
Answer: - Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: - Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer: - No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: -Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding...

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: - Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: - No it won't. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: - Oh, so you smoke.
Answer: - Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

 

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[Zlatan]

Here's a controversial one.

A peadophile and a little girl are walking through a forest alone, and the girl says:
Girl: This forest sure is scary.
Pedo: Yeah, and to think I'll have to return by myself tonight.



Better in Bosnian TBH

 

[Desmond]

Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

 

[Desmond]

Parking Lots at Work

 

[Desmond]

.

 

[Chxta]

++ [ originally posted by Desmond ] ++
Parking Lots at Work

 

[Juve89]

A Norwegian joke I loved to tell when i was 5-6 years old:
Skal jeg fortelle deg en vits? En mann med slips

 

[Chxta]

What the f**K? :dazed:

 

[Zé Tahir]

++ [ originally posted by Desmond ] ++
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

 

[Zé Tahir]

"A guy is walking along a road, when he sees a beautiful woman sitting under the tree. The woman says "This is your lucky day! it's all yours" as she takes off her clothes. The guy is stunned for a minute as he doesn't know what to do. Finally he takes the cycle sitting beside the girl and takes off! The next day he tells his friend what happened. How we saw this girl; she took off her clothes, and how he stole her bike. The friend replied " Man thank god you took the bike! the clothes wouldn't have fit you!"

 

[Ramin]

..

Sup brothers
(Vinnie, its only a joke)

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

.

 

[Zé Tahir]

.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

++ [ originally posted by Ramin ] ++
..

Sup brothers
(Vinnie, its only a joke)

:LOL:

 

[Chxta]

Loved the 3 picture jokes. Specially the one about the cows. Almost fell of my seat.

 

[Chxta]

We are currently having a conference (called Confab by most Nigerians) debating the constitution in the light of minority calls for greater autonomy.

The joke is that deegates from majority groups in the confab aren't taking it seriously at all...

 

[Chxta]

They said this is what men's brains look like!

 

[Chxta]

A man goes to the doctor and asks for a quart of Spanish fly.
"Why?" the doctor asks.
"I have 5 women coming over and I want to satisfy them all."

The doctor gives him.

The next day the same guy comes and asks for liniment. The doctor asks, "What for? You gonna rub it on your pee-pee?"

"No Sir, it's for my arm. The women didn't show up."

 

[mikhail]

The razor-sharp wit of the true people of Dublin, a group of tough, independant, sly traders, who remain in pockets of the inner city, is legendary. Here's an example I came across recently.

My mate Ken is standing at a bus stop on a lashing wet Monday morning. He's there 20 minutes, soaked, cold and really pissed off. Two little old wans waddle into view, pulling their two tarten little trolly bags behind them, scarfs wrapped around their heads to keep off the rain. One of them asks Ken "Has der been a number 5 along here son?" Ken replies that there hasn't been any bus along for the last 20 miuntes. Suddenly a bus does come around the corner but it's not the right one for any of them

It pulls over to let some passengers off and the two old wans make their way over, while one is standing in the stairwell the other walks up to the driver and says "C'mere yung filla, how long will de next number 5 be?"

The driver looks at her...looks down the length of the bus and says "Bout as long as dis one love!"

Quick as a flash, the little old dear in the stairwell says "And will der be a monkey drivin' dat one too?!".

 

[Chxta]

For those of you who follow the news, there's been a bribery scandal involving some senators and a cabinet member here in Nigeria.

The president sacked the member of cabinet, and everyone expected the senate president who was involved to resign, he didn't, he tried to rally the rest of the senate to his 'cause', thank heavens he failed.

According to this cartoonist, this is why...