Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (19 Viewers)

[Chxta]

Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, maggi sauce is all over their robes, goat meat, and cow feet. Ox tail, and chicken bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk are walking around with one wing.They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are Banana peels and Orange seeds all over the clouds.
Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair ...


The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children.

If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil.


"The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on.
"The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."
The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back.

What was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe... hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said,

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Those Nigerians have put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[JuVeMaNia86]

:LOL:

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy coffee by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 

[mikhail]

Like it.

 

[Chxta]

 

[Chxta]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively,"yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed! the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,one for March......."

 

[madlawyer1]

A man goes to work one day with a terrible pain in his arm. He asks his best friend for advice, and his friend tells him about a new drugstore on the corner with a machine that only needs a sample of your urine and it can tell what's wrong with you. And this for the bargain price of $5. The man is sceptical, but goes anyway during his lunch break. He pays the $5, submits a urine sample and waits. Soon the machine prints out a result:

You have tennis elbow. Put some ice on your arm and rest it, and you'll be fine.

The man is amazed. After work that day, he begins to wonder if the machine can be fooled. So, he decides to try. He takes a cup and puts in: his wife's urine, some tap water, his daughter's urine, his dog's sh*t and his semen. He heads back to the store, pays the $5, and submits the sample to the machine. Soon it prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has worms. Get it to a vet.
3. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her into rehab fast.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They're not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[HeyKay]

This one was given by Slappy White:

A white dude and a black dude are standing on the Golden Gate Bridge, doing nothing, they're just standing there.
This fine babe comes over and says: the one with the longest dick can take me home.
The white dude opens his pants and tosses his dick over the rail, the black dude opens his pants and tosses his dick over the rail.
The white dude screams: damn that water sure is cold.
The black dude says: yup, and deep too!

 

[Chxta]

Heard that before. Makes me laugh each time.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

I feel the same way, accept I would be swept out to sea.

 

[Chxta]

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago. So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless.

 

[Alucard Belmont]

++ [ originally posted by chxta ] ++
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago. So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless.

:LOL:

 

[madlawyer1]

 

[Chxta]

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.swf

 

[JCK]

++ [ originally posted by chxta ] ++
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.swf

:LOL:

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

This is the fact about marriages!!







The L Word:

6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U

6 months: Of course I love U

6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?



Back from Work:

6 weeks: Honey, I'm home

6 months: BACK!!

6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??



gifts:

6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring

6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something



Phone Ringing:

6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone

6 months: Here, for you

6 years: PHONE RINGING



Cooking:

6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!

6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?

6 years: AGAIN!!!!


apology:

6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you

6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again

6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??



New Dress:

6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress

6 months: You bought a new dress again???

6 years: How much did THAT cost me?



Planning for Vacations:

6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??

6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?

6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???



TV:

6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?

6 months: I like this movie

6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I
can stay up by myself !!

 

[Chxta]

The old Italian Mafia Godfather is dying. He called his grandson to his bedside and says, "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my silver 38 special revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lisina to me, soma day you goin be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

:LOL: , good one

 

[madlawyer1]

Here's another one form the inimitable Slappy White:

A girl goes to this lawyer and says, "I was raped." The lawyer says, "You was raped, don't worry about it. I'll get you some money. Now, tell me all about it."

Lady: "He grabbed me, and put me in his car."
Lawyer: "He grabbed you and put you in his car, that's 10,000 dollars right there. And then what happened?"
Lady: "He drove out to a lonely road, took me out of the car and tore all my clothes off."
Lawyer: "He tore your clothes off, that's another 10,000 dollars right there. What happened next?"
Lady: "He lay me down on the ground, and stuck his thing in me."
Lawyer: "He stuck his thing in you, that's another 10,000 dollars right there. But, when he stuck his thing in you, did you kinda wiggle round a li'l bit?"
Lady: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Well, you just fu(ked yourself outta 30,000 dollars."

 

[Chxta]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his Ex-accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "Wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says, Go to hell, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."