Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (56 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
siooooooooooooo FunnY :LOL:
One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she read....
Dear Mom;
Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed says we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my dreams too.
Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
After fainting, Mom came to and read the rest of the letter....
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card on my desk... love you!
:LOL:
One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she read....
Dear Mom;
Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed says we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my dreams too.
Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
After fainting, Mom came to and read the rest of the letter....
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card on my desk... love you!
:LOL:
>>>*a girls first time*
>>>
>>>(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
>>>
>>>It's your first time. As you lie back your
>>>
>>>muscles tighten. You put him
>>>
>>>off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
>>>
>>>;refuses to be swayed as he
>>>
>>>approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
>>>
>>>shake your head bravely.
>>>
>>>He has had more experience, but it's the first
>>>
>>>time his finger has found
>>>
>>>the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;
>>>
>>>your body tenses; but
>>>
>>>he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
>>>
>>>deeply within your eyes
>>>
>>>and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
>>>
>>>times before. His cool
>>>
>>>smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
>>>
>>>;more room for an easy
>>>
>>>entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
>>>
>>>but he slowly takes his
>>>
>>>time, wanting to cause you as li
>>>ttle pain as
>>>
>>>possible. As he presses
>>>
>>>;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
>>>
>>>way; pain surges throughout
>>>
>>>your body and you feel the slight trickle of
>>>
>>>blood as he continues. He
>>>
>>>looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
>>>
>>>painful.Your eyes are
>>>
>>>filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
>>>
>>>for him to go on. He
>>>
>>>begins going in and out with skill but you are
>>>
>>>now too numb to feel him
>>>
>>>within you. After a few moments, you feel
>>>
>>>something bursting within you and
>>>
>>>he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
>>>
>>>have it over. He looks
>>>
>>>at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
>>>
>>>chuckle; that you have been
>>>
>>>his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
>>>
>>>You smile and thank your
>>>
>>>dentist. After all,it was your first time to have
>>>
>>>a tooth pulled.
>>>
>>>Naughty, Naughty!
>>>
>>>What were you thinkin' ?
>>>
>>>PERVERT
>>>
>>>I kno
>>>w what you were thinking!
>>>
>>>(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
>>>
>>>It's your first time. As you lie back your
>>>
>>>muscles tighten. You put him
>>>
>>>off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
>>>
>>>;refuses to be swayed as he
>>>
>>>approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
>>>
>>>shake your head bravely.
>>>
>>>He has had more experience, but it's the first
>>>
>>>time his finger has found
>>>
>>>the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;
>>>
>>>your body tenses; but
>>>
>>>he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
>>>
>>>deeply within your eyes
>>>
>>>and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
>>>
>>>times before. His cool
>>>
>>>smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
>>>
>>>;more room for an easy
>>>
>>>entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
>>>
>>>but he slowly takes his
>>>
>>>time, wanting to cause you as li
>>>ttle pain as
>>>
>>>possible. As he presses
>>>
>>>;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
>>>
>>>way; pain surges throughout
>>>
>>>your body and you feel the slight trickle of
>>>
>>>blood as he continues. He
>>>
>>>looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
>>>
>>>painful.Your eyes are
>>>
>>>filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
>>>
>>>for him to go on. He
>>>
>>>begins going in and out with skill but you are
>>>
>>>now too numb to feel him
>>>
>>>within you. After a few moments, you feel
>>>
>>>something bursting within you and
>>>
>>>he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
>>>
>>>have it over. He looks
>>>
>>>at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
>>>
>>>chuckle; that you have been
>>>
>>>his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
>>>
>>>You smile and thank your
>>>
>>>dentist. After all,it was your first time to have
>>>
>>>a tooth pulled.
>>>
>>>Naughty, Naughty!
>>>
>>>What were you thinkin' ?
>>>
>>>PERVERT
>>>
>>>I kno
>>>w what you were thinking!
From http://www.laughfc.co.uk/stories/story.php?id=459
From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.
1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.
From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.
1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.
