Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (11 Viewers)

[JCK]

How To Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Maher]

nice one Jeeks

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

does anyone here shower like a man

 

[Chxta]

4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves to
go to the restroom, 3 guys are left.
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was
going to be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he
got a break, they made him a salesman, and he
sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too
because he started out raking leaves for a
realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him
a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought
the real estate firm. In fact, He’s so successful
that he just gave his best friend a new house for
his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started
out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He
got a break, they made him a broker, and now he
owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich
that he just gave his best friend $1 million in
stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The
first 3 explain that they are telling stories
about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major
disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In
fact I just found out that he's gay and has
SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the
bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock
for his birthday."

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

lol

 

[Nicole]

 

[Stu]

++ [ originally posted by JuVeMaNia86 ] ++
by Dennis Leary

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000?

How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big "**** YOU!" to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. **** them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and an amazing wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times". I don't ****ing care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

The Four Basic Types of Chain Letters
Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!















No, really, go on and make one!!!















Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!















Not that, you pervert!!















Is your finger getting tired yet?















STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun?

Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!! Really!!!

Here's how it goes:

Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house. Thanks!!!
Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder: if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes,

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 7 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!

 

[Chxta]

That was some cool shit. Mailing it to all my friends!

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

and tell them that they will die if they dont mail it to 15 more people

 

[Ramin]

++ [ originally posted by Don Bes ] ++
and tell them that they will die if they dont mail it to 15 more people

Haha.. haven't got those mails in ages.

 

[Dan]

++ [ originally posted by Ramin ] ++


Haha.. haven't got those mails in ages.

All my friends send that shit to me. i used to do it until about a year ago, then i relised what a waste of time it is.

 

[Ramin]

..

Once two Uzbeks wanted to finally have some fun with a prostitute. They came together and collected some money. They found out that they have money for a one whore.

When they went to escort service the whore told them that they had to use condoms and that it is very important, because she can get pregnant if they wont use condom.

Uzbeks agreed... they had their fun and left home. Time was passing away and people started noticing that something was wrong with two of them. They were like sick...

After only two weeks one of them calls the other and says(sick and tired voice):
X -" Listen buddy, i can't take it anymore"
Y-"Yeah me too its too hard"
X-"You know what? I'll take off my condom..."
Y-"Yeah, me too. Let that biatch get pregnant".

 

[Dan]

Q: What time is it to go to bed in Micheal Jackson's House?

A: When the big hand reaches the little hand.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

What are the similarities between K-Mart and Michael Jackson?

 

[Dan]

they both attract little children?

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

++ [ originally posted by Jeeks ] ++

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Minus number 8, that is exactly how I shower.

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

++ [ originally posted by Dan ] ++
they both attract little children?

No, little boys' pants half-off.

 

[Dan]

hehe.

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

Very smart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done

 

[Turdhead]

Blandie walks up to a drug dealer and buys loads of coke.

She buys and consumes more and more.

She smiles and keeps buying and consuming more and more.

The dealer asks:
"Havent you had enough?"

She answers, "No"

Then she dies.