Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Mr Bean
BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have
a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just
told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm
dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have
a brain!
****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me,
you've just twisted the figure, the answer
is 6!!
****
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my
grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't
know the alphabet yet!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM
MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you
saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks! ****
****
HOW MANY WOMEN
Friend: how many women do you believe must
a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4
richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from
me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought
it was a horror film. I didn't see any
picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
MOM'S DEAD
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called,
Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2
minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom
died too!
****
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in
an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power
failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got
stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling
of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have
a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just
told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm
dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have
a brain!
****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me,
you've just twisted the figure, the answer
is 6!!
****
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my
grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't
know the alphabet yet!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM
MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you
saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks! ****
****
HOW MANY WOMEN
Friend: how many women do you believe must
a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4
richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from
me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought
it was a horror film. I didn't see any
picture.
Friend: What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
MOM'S DEAD
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called,
Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2
minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom
died too!
****
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in
an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power
failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got
stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling
of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO...........DO YOU SEE BAKERS DELIGHT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO...........DO YOU SEE BAKERS DELIGHT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Get Out of Bed
by Diane Z. Shore
----------------------------------------------
!Get out of bed, you silly fool
.Get up right now, it's time for school
,If you don't dress without a fuss
!I'll throw you naked on the bus
!Oh, Mom, don't make me go today
.I'm feeling worse than yesterday
.You don't know what I'm going through
.I've got a strange, rare case of flu
My body aches, my throat is sore
.I'm sure I'm knocking on death's door
!You can't send me to school-achoo
!Cause everyone could get it, too
.Besides, the kids despise me there
.They always tease and always stare
.And all the teachers know my name
.When something's wrong, it's me they blame
.You faked a headache yesterday
.Don't pull that stuff on me today
-Stop acting like a silly fool
!The principal cannot skip school
by Diane Z. Shore
----------------------------------------------
!Get out of bed, you silly fool
.Get up right now, it's time for school
,If you don't dress without a fuss
!I'll throw you naked on the bus
!Oh, Mom, don't make me go today
.I'm feeling worse than yesterday
.You don't know what I'm going through
.I've got a strange, rare case of flu
My body aches, my throat is sore
.I'm sure I'm knocking on death's door
!You can't send me to school-achoo
!Cause everyone could get it, too
.Besides, the kids despise me there
.They always tease and always stare
.And all the teachers know my name
.When something's wrong, it's me they blame
.You faked a headache yesterday
.Don't pull that stuff on me today
-Stop acting like a silly fool
!The principal cannot skip school
Not so funny joke:
There was three guys their name were Shut up, Trouble & Maners One day trouble got lost, Shut up and Maners went to the police to find Trouble. Maners stayed out side & Shut up went in. The police officer asked shut up "what 's your name"? He said shut up". The police officer asked one last time "what is your name"? He said "shut up". The police officer said "Do you have any maners"? Shut up said "he's out side". then the police officer said "are you looking for trouble"? He said "yes, have you seen "him
There was three guys their name were Shut up, Trouble & Maners One day trouble got lost, Shut up and Maners went to the police to find Trouble. Maners stayed out side & Shut up went in. The police officer asked shut up "what 's your name"? He said shut up". The police officer asked one last time "what is your name"? He said "shut up". The police officer said "Do you have any maners"? Shut up said "he's out side". then the police officer said "are you looking for trouble"? He said "yes, have you seen "him
A lady carrying her baby was getting into a public bus transportation
The driver looked at her baby and said
"This is the ugliest baby i've ever seen in my life"
The lady got upset and ran into her seat grumbling
She sat near by a gentelman who asked her
" what's matter?"
She replied " The bus's driver is very rude"
The gentlman said " I am sorry, he should be nice to every one,
he is working in a public service"
The lady said " shall i go and talk to him"
The gentlman said " yes you should go i will help you-
Let me hold your monkey
The driver looked at her baby and said
"This is the ugliest baby i've ever seen in my life"
The lady got upset and ran into her seat grumbling
She sat near by a gentelman who asked her
" what's matter?"
She replied " The bus's driver is very rude"
The gentlman said " I am sorry, he should be nice to every one,
he is working in a public service"
The lady said " shall i go and talk to him"
The gentlman said " yes you should go i will help you-
Let me hold your monkey
if so i apologize
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
>
>A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning cunt.
>
>
>
>Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
>
>A: Poppa Boner
>
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
>
>A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a ****ing goodyear
>
>
>
>Q: Why did the snowman smile?
>
>A: Because the snowblower is coming.
>
>
>
>Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
>
>A: Pretty Good!
>
>
>
>Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave
>
>A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
>
>
>
>Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
>
>A: Batteries
>
>
>
>Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children
>what their fathers did for a living.
>
>All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman,salesman... etc...
>Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
>about his father.
>
>"My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in
>front of other men. Sometimes ,if the offer is really good, he'll go out to
>the alley with some screamin fag and take it up the ass."
>
>The teacher ,obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
>children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask
>him,"Is that really true about your father?"
>
>"No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Boston Red Sox, but I was too
>embarassed to say".
>
>
>
>One day Johnny is in class, and his teacher asignes him to make up a
>sentence and a word for the letter F. So the next day when the teacher asked
>him to read out his sentence and word he chose he replies with, the word I
>chose was FASENATE. And the teacher very amazed by his big word gave him a
>round of aplause and then she asked what the sentence was and he replied by
>sayin, "My sister has a red sweater whit nine buttons but her tits are so
>big she can only FASTENATE".
>
>
>
>
>
>One day a priest was in the confessional and he had to go to the bathroom.
>Not number 1 but number 2. So he opens the door to the confessional and sees
>Bobby the janitor. HE called him over and said, "Bobby I have to go to the
>bathroom not number 1 but number 2. Can you do the confessions for me?"
>Bobby replied, "OK father but I dont really know what to do." The priest
>replies, "It's easy. You look at the list to see what they confessed and
>match it to the penance that the sin deserves." He agreed and father left.
>
>So the first person came in and said "father I lied." Bobby matched it up
>and gave 2 our father's. The next person confessed that he cheated on his
>wife so bobby looked on the list and gave 4 hail mary's.
>
>The next person that came in said "Father i did something terrible!" Bobby
>responded "What did you do?" He said "I had anal sex with a little boy!"
>Bobby looked at the list and he could not find ANAL SEX on the list!! So he
>opened the door and saw little tommy the altar server. He asked him "tommy
>what does father give for anal sex??" Tommy then responded "Two kit kats and
>a herseys!!!"
>
>
>
>A mans walking along the beach and he sees a woman with no arms and legs
>lying in the sand crying.He asks her whats wrong and she says shes upset
>because shes never been kissed before.so he kisses her and carries on
>walking.About an hour later he walks past her again and shes crying,he says
>whats wrong this time and she replies that shes upset because no ones ever
>given her oral sex before.Feeling sorry for her he gives her oral sex and
>goes on his way.He walks past her an hour later and shs crying again so he
>turns to her and asks her whats wrong, and she says that she upset because
>shes never been ****ed before to which the man replies "Well you are now
>because the tides coming in".
>
>
>
>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
>mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I
>am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
>to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>
>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
>sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
>door:
>
>
>
>1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>
>2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
>3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
>4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
>5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
>6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>
>7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
>the Spook.
>
>8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
>9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
>was stoned off his ass.
>
>10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
>eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
>
>12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
>
>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
>grub, yeah God.
>
>14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
>peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
>
>A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning cunt.
>
>
>
>Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
>
>A: Poppa Boner
>
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
>
>A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a ****ing goodyear
>
>
>
>Q: Why did the snowman smile?
>
>A: Because the snowblower is coming.
>
>
>
>Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
>
>A: Pretty Good!
>
>
>
>Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave
>
>A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
>
>
>
>Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
>
>A: Batteries
>
>
>
>Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children
>what their fathers did for a living.
>
>All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman,salesman... etc...
>Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
>about his father.
>
>"My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in
>front of other men. Sometimes ,if the offer is really good, he'll go out to
>the alley with some screamin fag and take it up the ass."
>
>The teacher ,obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
>children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask
>him,"Is that really true about your father?"
>
>"No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Boston Red Sox, but I was too
>embarassed to say".
>
>
>
>One day Johnny is in class, and his teacher asignes him to make up a
>sentence and a word for the letter F. So the next day when the teacher asked
>him to read out his sentence and word he chose he replies with, the word I
>chose was FASENATE. And the teacher very amazed by his big word gave him a
>round of aplause and then she asked what the sentence was and he replied by
>sayin, "My sister has a red sweater whit nine buttons but her tits are so
>big she can only FASTENATE".
>
>
>
>
>
>One day a priest was in the confessional and he had to go to the bathroom.
>Not number 1 but number 2. So he opens the door to the confessional and sees
>Bobby the janitor. HE called him over and said, "Bobby I have to go to the
>bathroom not number 1 but number 2. Can you do the confessions for me?"
>Bobby replied, "OK father but I dont really know what to do." The priest
>replies, "It's easy. You look at the list to see what they confessed and
>match it to the penance that the sin deserves." He agreed and father left.
>
>So the first person came in and said "father I lied." Bobby matched it up
>and gave 2 our father's. The next person confessed that he cheated on his
>wife so bobby looked on the list and gave 4 hail mary's.
>
>The next person that came in said "Father i did something terrible!" Bobby
>responded "What did you do?" He said "I had anal sex with a little boy!"
>Bobby looked at the list and he could not find ANAL SEX on the list!! So he
>opened the door and saw little tommy the altar server. He asked him "tommy
>what does father give for anal sex??" Tommy then responded "Two kit kats and
>a herseys!!!"
>
>
>
>A mans walking along the beach and he sees a woman with no arms and legs
>lying in the sand crying.He asks her whats wrong and she says shes upset
>because shes never been kissed before.so he kisses her and carries on
>walking.About an hour later he walks past her again and shes crying,he says
>whats wrong this time and she replies that shes upset because no ones ever
>given her oral sex before.Feeling sorry for her he gives her oral sex and
>goes on his way.He walks past her an hour later and shs crying again so he
>turns to her and asks her whats wrong, and she says that she upset because
>shes never been ****ed before to which the man replies "Well you are now
>because the tides coming in".
>
>
>
>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
>mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I
>am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
>to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>
>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
>sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
>door:
>
>
>
>1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>
>2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
>3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
>4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
>5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
>6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>
>7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
>the Spook.
>
>8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
>9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
>was stoned off his ass.
>
>10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
>eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
>
>12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
>
>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
>grub, yeah God.
>
>14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
>peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
this joke is in catonese original, i think it is still funny as hell if i translate it
3 vampires go into a bar.
The first vampire asks for a glass of blood and bartender gives it to him. The second vampire asks for a glass of blood and the bartender gives it to him. The third vampire asks for a glass of hot water. The bartender asks 'Hey dont you want blood like those other guys?' The third vampire says
"No Thanks, Im having tea." Then he pulls out a tampon.
3 vampires go into a bar.
The first vampire asks for a glass of blood and bartender gives it to him. The second vampire asks for a glass of blood and the bartender gives it to him. The third vampire asks for a glass of hot water. The bartender asks 'Hey dont you want blood like those other guys?' The third vampire says
"No Thanks, Im having tea." Then he pulls out a tampon.