Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (10 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Math student's love letter!!!
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives
of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras
De-Morgan's Law,
7th Cross. Binomial Avenue ,
India of Matrices - (a+b)^2
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives
of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras
De-Morgan's Law,
7th Cross. Binomial Avenue ,
India of Matrices - (a+b)^2
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had
a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Fed up, he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep!
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgres-
sions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Fed up, he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep!
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgres-
sions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex too
Q: Did you hear about the Gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom
Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick"
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends"
A: Her navel
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex too
Q: Did you hear about the Gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom
Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick"
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends"
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father
sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's
Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!
"That's my boy!
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father
sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's
Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!
"That's my boy!
THE SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he is pretty weird). The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep.That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
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One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."
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Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep.That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator! ''
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator! ''