Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (117 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. "By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
Why it's great being a bloke
============================
* A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
* Queues for the bathroom don't exist
* You can open all your own jars
* When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at
everyone where someone's crying
* All your orgasms are real
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group
* When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone does-
n't secretly hate you
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
* Nobody wonders if you swallow
* You never have to clean a toilet
* You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
* You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation
* Wedding plans take care of themselves
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that
they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you,
and he or she can still be your friend
* You don't have to shave below your neck
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy backside every night
* If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
* You can write your name in the snow
* Biological clock?
* Chocolate is just another snack
* Flowers fix everything
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings
* You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
* Reverse parking is easy
* Foreplay is optional
* Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
* Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe
* You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming
* You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In
fact you encourage them.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth
* You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
* You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours
without ever thinking he's mad at you.
* You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
* The whole world is your urinal
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
* One mood, all the time
* Same work, more pay!
* Grey hair and wrinkles add character
* The remote control is yours and yours alone
* No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet
seat
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
* You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
* You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
* If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the
problem is
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to
it
* You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
in the mood
* Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
* Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
* You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversa-
ries
* Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so.....,notice
anything different?"
* Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong,
I'm certainly not telling you."
* Your mates never say "Talk to me"
* Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a
while.
Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a T-shirt
============================
* A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
* Queues for the bathroom don't exist
* You can open all your own jars
* When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at
everyone where someone's crying
* All your orgasms are real
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group
* When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone does-
n't secretly hate you
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
* Nobody wonders if you swallow
* You never have to clean a toilet
* You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
* You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation
* Wedding plans take care of themselves
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that
they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you,
and he or she can still be your friend
* You don't have to shave below your neck
* None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy backside every night
* If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
* You can write your name in the snow
* Biological clock?
* Chocolate is just another snack
* Flowers fix everything
* You never have to worry about other people's feelings
* You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
* Reverse parking is easy
* Foreplay is optional
* Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows
* Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe
* You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming
* You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In
fact you encourage them.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth
* You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut
* You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours
without ever thinking he's mad at you.
* You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe
* The whole world is your urinal
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
* One mood, all the time
* Same work, more pay!
* Grey hair and wrinkles add character
* The remote control is yours and yours alone
* No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet
seat
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
* You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
* You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
* If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends and they won't try and work out what the
problem is
* Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to
it
* You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
in the mood
* Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger
* Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind
* You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversa-
ries
* Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so.....,notice
anything different?"
* Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong,
I'm certainly not telling you."
* Your mates never say "Talk to me"
* Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a
while.
Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a T-shirt
LETS GET TECHNICAL
==================
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
Gates of Heaven.
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader
of the Free World."
"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call
it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.
There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it
'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some
statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it
'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal
standard of perjury."
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And when you
enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it
to freeze over."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported
panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine
perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead
beaver."
==================
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
Gates of Heaven.
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader
of the Free World."
"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call
it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale.
There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it
'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some
statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it
'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal
standard of perjury."
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And when you
enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it
to freeze over."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported
panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine
perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead
beaver."
OK, OK... one for the day. Apologies if you've heard this already.
Bob goes to a bar and sees a guy standing there with a beer who looks just like a pirate from the movies. He had a wooden leg, a hook for his hand, and a patch over his eye.
So Bob asks him, "How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate looked at him and replied, "I fell off a ship once and a shark bit off my leg."
Taken aback, Bob then asks, "OK, but what happened to your hand?"
The pirate replied, "I was raiding a ship, and I got my hand shot off. They had to amputate it and put this here hook on in its place."
Bob then looked at his eyepatch. "Well, what about your eye?"
The pirate replied, "Some seagulls were flying over head and one of them did some droppings right on my eye."
Bob was puzzled. "How did some bird droppings make you lose your eye?"
The pirate grinned, "Well, that was my first day with the hook."
Yearrghhh! :eyepatch:
Bob goes to a bar and sees a guy standing there with a beer who looks just like a pirate from the movies. He had a wooden leg, a hook for his hand, and a patch over his eye.
So Bob asks him, "How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate looked at him and replied, "I fell off a ship once and a shark bit off my leg."
Taken aback, Bob then asks, "OK, but what happened to your hand?"
The pirate replied, "I was raiding a ship, and I got my hand shot off. They had to amputate it and put this here hook on in its place."
Bob then looked at his eyepatch. "Well, what about your eye?"
The pirate replied, "Some seagulls were flying over head and one of them did some droppings right on my eye."
Bob was puzzled. "How did some bird droppings make you lose your eye?"
The pirate grinned, "Well, that was my first day with the hook."
Yearrghhh! :eyepatch:
A Jamaican and his wife are in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"
The Jamaican man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a ..... Pepsi comes out .....whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"
The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"
The Jamaican man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a ..... Pepsi comes out .....whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"
If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
Cheesy pick up lines
====================
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that
is all we will ever be?
Excuse me, does this tequila taste funny? (Hand them an untouched
shot)
Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel
Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?
Do you know how to use a whip?
You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean
also?
You, Me, and a midget makes three.
Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
You know, its girls like you that make me wish I were a lesbian.
So, do you like fat guys with no money?
====================
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that
is all we will ever be?
Excuse me, does this tequila taste funny? (Hand them an untouched
shot)
Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel
Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?
Do you know how to use a whip?
You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean
also?
You, Me, and a midget makes three.
Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
You know, its girls like you that make me wish I were a lesbian.
So, do you like fat guys with no money?