Juvenile joke thread (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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THE BEST CHAIN EMAIL EVER WRITTEN:
Hello, my name is not important, I suffer from the guilt of not
forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Tasmania
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you,and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a load of bullsh*t. Maybe
the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my
sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought
to Australia by midget pilgrims on the First Fleet.
The point being? - If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty
about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.
_
Oh, by the way:
NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM -
NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!! AND IF
THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR
PRIVACY MATTERS.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Hello, my name is not important, I suffer from the guilt of not
forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Tasmania
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you,and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a load of bullsh*t. Maybe
the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my
sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought
to Australia by midget pilgrims on the First Fleet.
The point being? - If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty
about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.
_
Oh, by the way:
NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM -
NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!! AND IF
THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR
PRIVACY MATTERS.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman
> sitting next to him.
>
> He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
> attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
>
> Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan:
> "Love to fly and it shows?"
>
> She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> himself," ooh sh*t, she doesn't work for Delta".
>
> A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her
> again,
> "Something special in the air?"
>
> She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
> scratched American Airlines off the list.
>
> Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly
> skies?"
>
> This time the woman turned on him "What the f**k do you want?"
>
> The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said..."ahhh,
EasyJet"
> sitting next to him.
>
> He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
> attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
>
> Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan:
> "Love to fly and it shows?"
>
> She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> himself," ooh sh*t, she doesn't work for Delta".
>
> A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her
> again,
> "Something special in the air?"
>
> She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
> scratched American Airlines off the list.
>
> Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly
> skies?"
>
> This time the woman turned on him "What the f**k do you want?"
>
> The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said..."ahhh,
EasyJet"
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived
> when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
>
> So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and
> everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment
> provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was
> over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument
> from his *****. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.
> He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
> Finally, the farmer decided to call the Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello,
> I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but
> how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the
> customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's
> collected two gallons.
>
>
> when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
>
> So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and
> everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment
> provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was
> over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument
> from his *****. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.
> He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
> Finally, the farmer decided to call the Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello,
> I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but
> how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the
> customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's
> collected two gallons.
>
>
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Mancunian, one a Scouser, and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Manc raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery.
Once inside he picked the black baby, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"That's as maybe", said the Manc, "but one of the other two is a f***ing Scoucer and I'm not taking the risk.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them."
With that the Manc raced passed the doctor and bolted to the nursery.
Once inside he picked the black baby, "there's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said "Well sir of all the babies, I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent."
"That's as maybe", said the Manc, "but one of the other two is a f***ing Scoucer and I'm not taking the risk.
WHY FOOTBALL GROUNDS ARE LIKE WOMEN
>1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length
and width, thus varying the quality of play
>2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald
>3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends
>4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with
groundowner
>5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a
council dumping ground
>6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities
>7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
never mention pitches previosly visited
>8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
>9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest
calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
>10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman
at the back
>11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
>12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel,
do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal
> mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the
> pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
>13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
>14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches
>15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly
absorbant goalie
>16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
>17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however
there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed
down as often as they should
>18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes
>19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches
>20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy
two evenings a week
>21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to
5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by
continually asking to play up the good end instead
>22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being
allowed to play on the turf
>23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before
(or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have
better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
>1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length
and width, thus varying the quality of play
>2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald
>3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends
>4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with
groundowner
>5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a
council dumping ground
>6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities
>7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
never mention pitches previosly visited
>8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
>9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest
calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
>10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman
at the back
>11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
>12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel,
do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal
> mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the
> pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
>13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
>14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches
>15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly
absorbant goalie
>16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
>17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however
there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed
down as often as they should
>18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes
>19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches
>20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy
two evenings a week
>21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to
5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by
continually asking to play up the good end instead
>22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being
allowed to play on the turf
>23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before
(or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have
better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player
young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all The different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of *****es are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of *****es are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's ***** is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked
up
>and
> >sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange,
> >blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man
looked
> >around, the old man was
> > > staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the
matter
> >old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
> > > Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
had
>sex
> >with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
up
>and
> >sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange,
> >blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man
looked
> >around, the old man was
> > > staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the
matter
> >old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
> > > Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
had
>sex
> >with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A German guy approaches a prostitute.
>
> "I vish to buy zex vit you".
> "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
> "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
> "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off
> they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
> bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of
> your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the
> springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and
> knees". She duly does this, balancing one the springs.
> "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you".
> The finds this odd but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
> The zex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
> energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
> The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it
> is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say
>
> "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Wait for it
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Ah" says the German,
>
> "as we say in Germany, Four-sprung duck technique".
>
> "I vish to buy zex vit you".
> "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
> "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
> "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off
> they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
> bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of
> your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the
> springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and
> knees". She duly does this, balancing one the springs.
> "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you".
> The finds this odd but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
> The zex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the
> energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
> The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it
> is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say
>
> "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Wait for it
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Ah" says the German,
>
> "as we say in Germany, Four-sprung duck technique".
I apologize in advance if this has already been posted.
Boris Antrovsky has been employed at the Smith and Sons pickle factory for the past 10 years, and despite his exemplary work habits, there has been something that he has wanted to do ever since he started working there.
He wanted to put his peenis in the pickle slicer.
He has tried various ways of not thinking about it, tried hobbies to get his mind off it, but nothing seems to work. The desire to put his peenis in the pickle slicer just got stronger.
Finally, he went to a therapist to see if he could fix the problem, but she realized that his desire was so strong that she gave up and told him to do whatever he wanted.
One Day, he said to himself, "This is it, I'm going to take the chance and do it", Well he did, and he got fired.
He came home and told his wife that he got fired, she asked why, and he told her that he got fired for putting his peenis in the pickle slicer.
Panicked, she ran over and pulled down his pants, only to see that his peenis was still intact.
She asked "I don't understand, it's still there. What happened to the Pickle Slicer'
He replied: "I don't know, I guess she got fired too"
Boris Antrovsky has been employed at the Smith and Sons pickle factory for the past 10 years, and despite his exemplary work habits, there has been something that he has wanted to do ever since he started working there.
He wanted to put his peenis in the pickle slicer.
He has tried various ways of not thinking about it, tried hobbies to get his mind off it, but nothing seems to work. The desire to put his peenis in the pickle slicer just got stronger.
Finally, he went to a therapist to see if he could fix the problem, but she realized that his desire was so strong that she gave up and told him to do whatever he wanted.
One Day, he said to himself, "This is it, I'm going to take the chance and do it", Well he did, and he got fired.
He came home and told his wife that he got fired, she asked why, and he told her that he got fired for putting his peenis in the pickle slicer.
Panicked, she ran over and pulled down his pants, only to see that his peenis was still intact.
She asked "I don't understand, it's still there. What happened to the Pickle Slicer'
He replied: "I don't know, I guess she got fired too"
A young man is jogging in the park when he happens to come a cross a very elegantly dressed but very old man crying on the park bench.
Concerned, he stops to ask what is wrong.
"Well", the old man says, "today is my 95th birthday, and my doctor gave me a perfectly clean bill of health, and I can run 5 miles a day without pause"
"Really!?!?"says the young man, "That's great!!, it's nothing for you to cry about"
"That's not all" says the old man, "I'm also very wealthy and live in a 40 room mansion with maids butlers, and a private yacht"
"Really" says the young man, sounding less sympathetic, "I can't see why you would be so upset"
One more thing " says the old man, "I just recently married a 20 year old Playboy Playmate, and we have the best sex that anyone could ever ask for. Sometimes, her friends come over and join us"
All right, All right" Says the young man, pretty angrily, "Let me get this straight, you're 95 years old, wealthy, in the best shape of your life, and you're married to a 20 year old Playboy nymphomaniac!?!?!?!, Why should I feel sorry for you because you're crying?"
The old man replies "Because I can't remember where I live!!"
Concerned, he stops to ask what is wrong.
"Well", the old man says, "today is my 95th birthday, and my doctor gave me a perfectly clean bill of health, and I can run 5 miles a day without pause"
"Really!?!?"says the young man, "That's great!!, it's nothing for you to cry about"
"That's not all" says the old man, "I'm also very wealthy and live in a 40 room mansion with maids butlers, and a private yacht"
"Really" says the young man, sounding less sympathetic, "I can't see why you would be so upset"
One more thing " says the old man, "I just recently married a 20 year old Playboy Playmate, and we have the best sex that anyone could ever ask for. Sometimes, her friends come over and join us"
All right, All right" Says the young man, pretty angrily, "Let me get this straight, you're 95 years old, wealthy, in the best shape of your life, and you're married to a 20 year old Playboy nymphomaniac!?!?!?!, Why should I feel sorry for you because you're crying?"
The old man replies "Because I can't remember where I live!!"
Three construction workers, an Irishman, an Italian, and a Portugese man are sitting on a support beam as they are opening up their lunches.
The Irishman pulls out his lunch and says "Corned Beef and Cabbage again? I swear, if I have corned beef and cabbage for lunch again tomorrow, I'll jump off this beam"
The Italian pulls out his lunch and says"Pasta and Meatballs, If I have this again tomorrow, I'll jump off this beam, too"
The Portugese man opens his and says "Chourico and peppers, man, if I have this again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this beam too"
Well, the next day comes, and it's the same three guys on the same beam.
The Irishman opens up his lunch box "Ah, Corn and Potato chowder!! Perfect!" and he proceeded to eat his lunch
The Italian opens his lunch box" Ahh, chicken cacciatore, Bellissima!, and proceeds to enjoy his lunch:
The Portugese man opens his up and cries "Chourico and Peppers again!!! That's it. I'm jumping!!AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHH" and jumps to his death.
After the initial shock wares off, the Irishman says to the Italian "Damn shame, what just happened to him, huh??"
"Yeah" the Italian replies, "and the tragedy of it all, is that he makes his own lunch."
The Irishman pulls out his lunch and says "Corned Beef and Cabbage again? I swear, if I have corned beef and cabbage for lunch again tomorrow, I'll jump off this beam"
The Italian pulls out his lunch and says"Pasta and Meatballs, If I have this again tomorrow, I'll jump off this beam, too"
The Portugese man opens his and says "Chourico and peppers, man, if I have this again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this beam too"
Well, the next day comes, and it's the same three guys on the same beam.
The Irishman opens up his lunch box "Ah, Corn and Potato chowder!! Perfect!" and he proceeded to eat his lunch
The Italian opens his lunch box" Ahh, chicken cacciatore, Bellissima!, and proceeds to enjoy his lunch:
The Portugese man opens his up and cries "Chourico and Peppers again!!! That's it. I'm jumping!!AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHH" and jumps to his death.
After the initial shock wares off, the Irishman says to the Italian "Damn shame, what just happened to him, huh??"
"Yeah" the Italian replies, "and the tragedy of it all, is that he makes his own lunch."
Three friends, Bob , John, and Joe, are hanging out at a local bar, and they're all really drunk. Before they go home, they all agree to meet at the same bar the next day to share any stories they have about what happens to them when they get home.
The next day comes, and all three are in the bar, and they were all looking depressed.
Bob starts off "Man, I was so drunk, when I got home, I saw Maggie walking toward me, and I grabbed her and made love to her for hours until we both fell asleep on the couch."
John then says "Guys, I didn't even make it home. I wrapped my new Porsche around a telephone pole and spent the night in the hospital."
Joe then says "Damn, that's nothing. When I got home,my wife lit up all these candles hoping to have a romantic evening, but I was so smashed that I knocked over the candles and burnt the house down!"
John then says, "well, it goes without saying that Joe definitely had the worst night out of all of us"
Joe says" Yeah, I have to agree"
Joe and John then ask Bob "What do you think, do you agree??"
After about 10 seconds, Bob replies"Umm, Guys, Maggie is the name of my dog."
The next day comes, and all three are in the bar, and they were all looking depressed.
Bob starts off "Man, I was so drunk, when I got home, I saw Maggie walking toward me, and I grabbed her and made love to her for hours until we both fell asleep on the couch."
John then says "Guys, I didn't even make it home. I wrapped my new Porsche around a telephone pole and spent the night in the hospital."
Joe then says "Damn, that's nothing. When I got home,my wife lit up all these candles hoping to have a romantic evening, but I was so smashed that I knocked over the candles and burnt the house down!"
John then says, "well, it goes without saying that Joe definitely had the worst night out of all of us"
Joe says" Yeah, I have to agree"
Joe and John then ask Bob "What do you think, do you agree??"
After about 10 seconds, Bob replies"Umm, Guys, Maggie is the name of my dog."
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