Juvenile joke thread (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
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no I hadn't 
here's one I borrowed
A man is visting his wife who is in the hospital, in a coma. He starts to rub her left breast, and notices that she sighs. He runs out of the room excited, and tells the doctor. The doctor tells him to try touching her right breast.
He goes back into her room, and touches her right breast. This time, she lets out a little moan. He runs out of the room again, and tells the doctor. This time, the doctor suggests that he try oral sex.
The doctor comes into the room after 15 minutes, and finds the woman is dead. "What happened?" he asks "She choked" replied the man.
here's one I borrowed A man is visting his wife who is in the hospital, in a coma. He starts to rub her left breast, and notices that she sighs. He runs out of the room excited, and tells the doctor. The doctor tells him to try touching her right breast.
He goes back into her room, and touches her right breast. This time, she lets out a little moan. He runs out of the room again, and tells the doctor. This time, the doctor suggests that he try oral sex.
The doctor comes into the room after 15 minutes, and finds the woman is dead. "What happened?" he asks "She choked" replied the man.
"Most Embarrassing Moments"
This actually happened at Harvard University in October 2000, in a biology class.........
A Professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked " If I understand correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?
"That's correct", responded the Professor, going on to add statistical info....
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet"?.......After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class................never returning!
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. Totally straight faced he answered her question....."It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat"
This actually happened at Harvard University in October 2000, in a biology class.........
A Professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked " If I understand correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?
"That's correct", responded the Professor, going on to add statistical info....
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet"?.......After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class................never returning!
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. Totally straight faced he answered her question....."It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat"
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, 'I had sex with my teacher today.' 'Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!', says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, 'Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today.' Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. 'I told her I had sex with my teacher today,' replied the boy. 'Alright! That's my boy!', says dad. 'Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!'
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. 'You gonna ride it home son?' asks dad.
The boy replied, 'Nah, my ass is still sore.
--------------------------
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, 'Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today.' Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. 'I told her I had sex with my teacher today,' replied the boy. 'Alright! That's my boy!', says dad. 'Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!'
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. 'You gonna ride it home son?' asks dad.
The boy replied, 'Nah, my ass is still sore.
--------------------------
great peeps 
I think this a jinx, now this thread has started nobody is sending me any disgusting jokes!!!!!!!!!!!
Didn't know which thread to post this one in in case I got in trouble AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second, long black hearse.
About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull dog on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of about 100 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't contain his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue."
Didn't know which thread to post this one in in case I got in trouble AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second, long black hearse.
About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull dog on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of about 100 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't contain his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue."
>> > >A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
>> > >drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around
>> > >the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
>> > >eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
>> > >them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
>> > >billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
>> > >amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
>> > >
>> > >The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
>> > >monkey did?"
>> > >
>> > >The guy says, "No, what?"
>> > >
>> > >"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats
>> > >everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
>> > >everything."
>> > >
>> > >The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
>> > >the monkey ate and leaves.
>> > >
>> > >Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
>> > >is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
>> > >running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
>> > >drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
>> > >grabs it, sticks it up his asss, pulls it out and eats it. The
>> > >bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
>> > >now?" he asks.
>> > >
>> > >"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
>> > >cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the
>> > >bartender.
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
>> > >eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that
>> > >cue ball, he measures everything first."
>> > >drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around
>> > >the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
>> > >eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
>> > >them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
>> > >billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
>> > >amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
>> > >
>> > >The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
>> > >monkey did?"
>> > >
>> > >The guy says, "No, what?"
>> > >
>> > >"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats
>> > >everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
>> > >everything."
>> > >
>> > >The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
>> > >the monkey ate and leaves.
>> > >
>> > >Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
>> > >is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
>> > >running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
>> > >drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
>> > >grabs it, sticks it up his asss, pulls it out and eats it. The
>> > >bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
>> > >now?" he asks.
>> > >
>> > >"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
>> > >cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the
>> > >bartender.
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
>> > >eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that
>> > >cue ball, he measures everything first."
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting
room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation._ The Doberman
turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"_ The Boxer replies, "I'm
a pisser._ I piss on everything-the sofa, the cat, the kid._ But the final
straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."_ The
Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"._ "Lethal injection" came
the reply from the sad Boxer. The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and
asks, "Why are you here?"_ The Lab says, "I'm a digger._ I dig under fences,
dig up flowers and trees._ I dig just for the hell of it._ When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets._ But I went over the line last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch."_ "So what are they going to do to
you?"_ the Doberman inquired._ "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador
said._ The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the
vet's office for._ "I'm a humper," the Doberman says._ "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever._ I want to
hump everything I see._ Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself._ I hopped on her back and started humping away."_ The Boxer and
Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too,
huh?"_ "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation._ The Doberman
turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"_ The Boxer replies, "I'm
a pisser._ I piss on everything-the sofa, the cat, the kid._ But the final
straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."_ The
Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"._ "Lethal injection" came
the reply from the sad Boxer. The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and
asks, "Why are you here?"_ The Lab says, "I'm a digger._ I dig under fences,
dig up flowers and trees._ I dig just for the hell of it._ When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets._ But I went over the line last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch."_ "So what are they going to do to
you?"_ the Doberman inquired._ "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador
said._ The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the
vet's office for._ "I'm a humper," the Doberman says._ "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever._ I want to
hump everything I see._ Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself._ I hopped on her back and started humping away."_ The Boxer and
Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too,
huh?"_ "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Flat Tummy
>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
>mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom
>sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what
>her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
>him.
>The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad
>doing?"
>
>The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big
>tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help
>flatten it."
>
>"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>
>"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled.
>
>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
>over and gets on her knees and blows it right back
>up."
>
>
>A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
>mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom
>sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what
>her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
>him.
>The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad
>doing?"
>
>The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big
>tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help
>flatten it."
>
>"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>
>"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled.
>
>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
>over and gets on her knees and blows it right back
>up."
>
>
Definitions
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
RUMOR: News that travels more than the speed of sound.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
OPTIMIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Maybe these are old jokes
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
RUMOR: News that travels more than the speed of sound.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
OPTIMIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Maybe these are old jokes
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