Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[Chxta]

A lawyer and 2 doctors have a car wreck in the
country and walk to a farmers house where one
doc stays in a barn and the lawyer and second
doc stay in the house.

In the middle of the night the doc is banging
on the door and he says to the farmer, 'I can't
stay in there, I hate sheep.' so the other doc
goes to the barn to sleep.

Later in the night the other doc is at the door
and he says, 'I hate cows', so the lawyer goes
to the barn to sleep.

In the middle of the night there's a bang on the
door and when the farmer answers it, the cow and
sheep are at the door...

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Chxta]

Three women stay up late one night drinking together at a bar and get totally wasted. They all leave in the early morning hours to go home, promising to meet again.

The next day, the three meet at a cafe for lunch and Bloody Mary's. They begin comparing stories to see who was the most drunk.

The first woman says "I was the most drunk. I went home and the first thing I did, was blow Chunks."

The second woman says, "No, I was the most drunk. I left the bar and got in my car, then I wrapped it around a tree."

The third woman says, "Nuh-uh! I was the most drunk. I went home and lit a cigarette, passed out and burned my house down."

Then the first woman says "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!"

 

[Sadomin]

Typical Rangers fan

Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian bastard murders family pet

I've heard a similar one, going to translate it now so it can sound a little odd:

A man is walking in a park in Manhattan, New York, when he suddenly sees something. A dog is attacking a little girl, so the man rushes forward to the dog and kills it. An observer goes to the man and says: You're a true hero, tomorrow the headlines will be "Brave New Yorker saves girl!"."
The man replies: "But I'm not from New York".
Then it will say: "Brave American saves girl!"
"But I'm not from New York."
"Where are you from then?"
"Pakistan!"

The next day, the head lines were "Middle Eastern terrorist kills American puppy".

 

[Chxta]

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

Realizations You're Not In College Any More

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
Three words: Student Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year -- and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey;
NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
Metabolism slowdown.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

 

[madlawyer1]

A multimillionaire is dying and wants to "take it" with him. He then calls his three closest friends, a Doctor, a Priest and a Lawyer and says to them, "I'm leaving each of you 30 million dollars, but I want you to bury it with me." They each agree.

At the funeral, the Priest steps up with a bag of money and says, "Sorry, old friend, I had to use 20,000 dollars to fix up the church roof and pay for a new organ, so here's 29,980,000 dollars." He drops it into the grave and turns away, weeping at his weakness.

The Doctor then steps up with a bag of money and says, "Sorry, pal, I had to use 1,000,000 dollars pay off my mortgage and get some vital office equipment, so here's 29,000,000 dollars." He drops it into the grave and walks away with hunched shoulders.

The Lawyer steps up, retrieves the two bags, and leaves a cheque for 90 million dollars...

 

[Chxta]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

 

[Chxta]

There was an Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she wanted.

The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas.

So she brought her husband to the store..............

what did she do?









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What were you thinking! ? ? HellOOOOOOOOOOOO,

Her husband speaks English....

 

[Zlatan]

But how did she tell him she wanted bananas?

 

[Chxta]

Look at the story again, second sentence.

 

[Chxta]

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the baker to
inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There
is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The baker evidently lost the scripture reference, but working
from memory, beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18".

Imagine the shock of the few faithful who looked up the reference to
read:

"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not
your husband." said Jesus to the woman of Samaria.

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

++ [ originally posted by chxta ] ++
There was an Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to
communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher what she wanted.

The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy some bananas.

So she brought her husband to the store..............

what did she do?









(please scroll page down).














-











.















-





















-













-









-





-


What were you thinking! ? ? HellOOOOOOOOOOOO,

Her husband speaks English....

 

[Chxta]

A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening,
reflecting upon the day's business , when a Koala
bear appears at her open window. He winks at her,
climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to
perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by
her unexpected guests act, she spreads her legs
and lets him have at it. Finishing, the koala
bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the
same window.

"Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you’ve got to pay for
that! I’m a hooker, you know! "

"A hooker what’s that?" asks the koala bear.

"A hooker! you know, a prostitute! Its in the
dictionary, look it up!" So she shows the koala
bear the entry in the dictionary. Sure enough it
says," Hooker: woman who exchanges sexual acts
for monetary gain."

The Koala bear thinks about this and says, "Do
you know what I am? I'm a koala bear! Look it
up!"

So as the koala bear disappears out the window,
the hooker thumbs through the dictionary and
looks up "Koala Bear"

It reads: "Koala Bear: eats bushes and leaves."

 

[Chxta]

Walter Smith is standing at the pearly gates,
waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is
leafing through his Big Book to see if Walter
is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through
the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says to him: "You know, Walter, I can't see that
you did anything really good in your life but,
then again, it appears that you never did
anything really bad either. Tell you what I'll
do, if you can tell me of just one REALLY good
deed that you did during your lifetime, you're
in."

Walter thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there
was this one time when I was drivin' down the
highway and I saw a large group of KKK Biker
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor young girl.
I slowed down to see what was going on, and sure
enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em
torturing this chick.

"Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron from the trunk, and walked straight up to
the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose
to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK
Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

"So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and
smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then
I turn around and yell to the rest of them and
say: 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!
You're all just a bunch of sick, sex crazed,
deranged animals! Go home before I have to teach
all of you lesson in real pain!'"

St. Peter, quite impressed, says: "Really? That's
absolutely wonderful of you! Now when did
this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

 

[Maher]

hehehehhe nice one

 

[Chxta]

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed
another patron a few stools away. The guy had a
body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the
size of a thimble.

The first man said "please excuse me for staring,
but I can't help but be curious as to why your
body is so well developed, but your head is so
small?"

The man said "buy me a drink and I"ll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was
in the Navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I
was the only survivor and I managed to make it to
a deserted island a few miles away. I had been
there for several months and was sitting on the
beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come
by so I would have something to eat; looking up
I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby
rock. She swam over to me and informed me that
she was a magical mermaid and could grant me
three wishes. Great, I said. I'd like to be
rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and
a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas.
Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then,
noticing how beautiful she was and all my other
wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to
her. She said no, it just wouldn't work, her being
half fish and all, so I said well, how about a
little head then?

 

[Majed]

:dielaugh:

 

[Chxta]

Two men were working on top of a building.

Unfortunately, they were not allowed any breaks
by their boss. Unsurprisingly, during the day one
man had to take a piss so he asked his co-worker
to help him slide a plank of wood out the edge of
the building, then his co-worker could stand on
the end of the plank on the building while he
walked out to the other end and take his piss.

While the guy was taking a piss the boss round
the corner and his co-worker on the building end
of the plank stepped off and attempted to appear
active. The guy on the other end of the plank
fell off the building and died.

A police investigation had to be carried out,
since it appeared mysterious that a man would
fall from a building holding his prick.

After questioning people who were around, only
one old woman could give proper evidence.

When questioned she told the police that the man
must have been having sex on the rooftop because
as he was falling, he was crying, "Oh Lord the
fucking cunt moved".

 

[madlawyer1]

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and *****...

A beer is always wet.
A ***** needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A ***** tastes better served hot.
Advantage: *****.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold ***** makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
***** does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming *****, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: *****

24 beers come in a box.
A ***** is a box you can come in.
Advantage: *****

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: *****.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like *****, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 ***** in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: *****

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much ***** and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a ***** in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: *****

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells ***** on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: *****

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

***** can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: *****

If you think all day about the next *****
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: *****

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of ***** is more fun.
Advantage: *****.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a *****
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a *****,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best ***** you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: *****.

The worst ***** you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad *****: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good *****: Almost all but the above.
Advantage *****.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: *****.




For *****, read pvssy.

 

[Maher]