Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (48 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Great one Menace...
In Trinidad there was a family
With great confusion as we shall soon see
There was a mama and a papa and a grown up son
Who wanted to get married to a wife of his own
He saw a girl who suited him right
He ran to his papa to seek his advice
But his papa said, "Son, I have to say no
That girl is your sister but your mama don't know"
The boy put his hands on his head and wept
Then ran to his mama to seek her advice
His mama said, "Man, go man go
Your papa's not your papa
But your papa don't know!"
With great confusion as we shall soon see
There was a mama and a papa and a grown up son
Who wanted to get married to a wife of his own
He saw a girl who suited him right
He ran to his papa to seek his advice
But his papa said, "Son, I have to say no
That girl is your sister but your mama don't know"
The boy put his hands on his head and wept
Then ran to his mama to seek her advice
His mama said, "Man, go man go
Your papa's not your papa
But your papa don't know!"
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,68, and 78 ? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!! At 78 - What story???? What bed??? Who are you???
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck, Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.
-----
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck, Tech Support
best one ever chxtaOne day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door.
She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.
She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door.
She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.
She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."
The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."
Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
Creative? He's using the one idea and dragging it out to make a long story of it. Admittedly that's how some of the finest jokes function but there's nothing to it besides the basic idea, no innovation if you will.
But since you ask: http://www.juventuz.net/numerodix/blog/?itemid=38
I've also tried writing something now and then, this is probably the best I came up with. I can't really judge objectively because I wrote it but I imagine it's fairly mediocre.
http://www.juventuz.net/numerodix/blog/?itemid=103
But since you ask: http://www.juventuz.net/numerodix/blog/?itemid=38
I've also tried writing something now and then, this is probably the best I came up with. I can't really judge objectively because I wrote it but I imagine it's fairly mediocre.
http://www.juventuz.net/numerodix/blog/?itemid=103
There's this little boy John and one day he goes up to his mother and asks:
"Mom, how old are you?"
Mom: "Now, now, John. That's a personal question. YOu don't ask those kinds of personal questions to women."
"How much do you weigh?"
Mom: "You're too young to understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to women."
"Why did Dad leave us?"
Mom: "your too young to understand that too, I'll tell you when you're older"
So John goes back to school and tells little TOMMY: "TOMMY, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions"
And little TOMMY replies: "you should go into her wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answerd.
So John goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years old."
Mom: "Yeah that's right I am."
"And you weigh 142 lbs."
Mom: "yupp that's right."
"One last thing... I know why dad left us." Mom: "oh really, why?"
"Because you got an F in sex"
"Mom, how old are you?"
Mom: "Now, now, John. That's a personal question. YOu don't ask those kinds of personal questions to women."
"How much do you weigh?"
Mom: "You're too young to understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to women."
"Why did Dad leave us?"
Mom: "your too young to understand that too, I'll tell you when you're older"
So John goes back to school and tells little TOMMY: "TOMMY, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions"
And little TOMMY replies: "you should go into her wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answerd.
So John goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:
"Mom, you're 39 years old."
Mom: "Yeah that's right I am."
"And you weigh 142 lbs."
Mom: "yupp that's right."
"One last thing... I know why dad left us." Mom: "oh really, why?"
"Because you got an F in sex"