Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (54 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
:LOL:
Things that students wrote in their essays!
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with powertools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with powertools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - August 28, 2002 - 9:07 A.M. (EST)
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY DETAILS DIABOLICAL IRAQI SCHEMES NECESSITATING THE WHOLESALE INVASION OF THE ARABIAC WORLD
Press Briefing by the Vice President
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Over the past several days, despicable un-American traitors, including members of the liberal media, along with Congressmen and Senators from both sides of the aisle, have taken conspicuous glee in publicly questioning the wisdom and motives of this administration in its desire to invade and conquer the Middle East - starting with Iraq. And so this morning, to put a stop to this dangerous, effeminate and unpatriotic climate of discussion and contemplation, I am going to throw national security doctrine to the close-to-being-filled-with-mustard-gas wind, and reveal sensitive intelligence about the six nefarious Iraqi plots which require that America waste no time starting to kick serious raghead ass.
SADDAM HUSSEIN'S PLOTS:
CIA operatives are confident that within six months, Saddam Hussein will have purchased most of the world's available cubic zirconium over the Home Shopping Network. He will mount these precious gems on a dish the size of Utah, which will be launched into space and used to bedazzle and blind the entire population of North America.
Top brass at the FBI possesses compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has already infiltrated a certain software company in Washington State with Islamic Fundamentalist programmers holding positions of encrypting autonomy. These wily, American-looking programmers will fill 99.99% of America's software with subliminal messages, including "Smoke More Unfiltered Cigarettes," "Eat More Saturated Fat" and "Couldn't You Really Go For a Nice Big Snort of Cocaine Right About Now?" This new software will drive Americans to behavior that may not be noticeable at first, but will result in the success of his evil master plan to destroy America!
The General Accounting Office reports that within four months, Saddam Hussein will, through the clever use of shell corporations, take a controlling interest in numerous key American defense contractors. He will then institute dangerous new corporate policies, including disclosure of product failures and pricing with less than quadruple-digit mark-ups. Within a matter of days, there will be no soft money available to elect Republicans and Democrats who support any and all wars and weapon programs, thereby completing Saddam's evil plan to make America peaceful and fiscally responsible.
NASA now believes that within 2 years, Saddam Hussein will have established an Islamic colony on the moon. His first act upon arrival will be to spit at and set fire to the American flag planted by Neil Armstrong. Then, using millions of miles of neon tubing, he will then poison the American nighttime sky with salacious, orbiting messages blinking scurrilous assertions about our president's genitals and mother.
Kurdish operatives report that Saddam's elite Republican Corps of Engineers is nearing completion of a powerful underground hydraulic system, which will be capable of effortlessly submerging the entire nation of Iraq beneath an elaborate facsimile of itself - the latter populated entirely by genetically-engineered doppelgangers of the late Ayatollah Khomeini - all of whom will vehemently denounce the gassing of fluffy little puppy dogs.
A joint investigation by the CIA and Department of Commerce has revealed that by mid-2003, Saddam will have stockpiled half the world's supply of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. He will then launch canisters of this deadly fragrance from his secret headquarters inside a seemingly active volcano, asphyxiating our nation's capital.
I trust that the release of these terrifying plans will make the populace amenable to our pre-ordained course of action - the wholesale seizure of the earth's most oil-rich lands from the evil, Godless hordes which currently inhabit them - and shut the cake-holes of disloyal busybodies who question the White House. Remember: it is not called playing "Devil's Advocate" for nothing. And we, as a Christian nation, have no time for Lucifer's whining or second-guessing this administration's policies.
No questions.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
*******************************
www.whitehouse.org
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY DETAILS DIABOLICAL IRAQI SCHEMES NECESSITATING THE WHOLESALE INVASION OF THE ARABIAC WORLD
Press Briefing by the Vice President
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Over the past several days, despicable un-American traitors, including members of the liberal media, along with Congressmen and Senators from both sides of the aisle, have taken conspicuous glee in publicly questioning the wisdom and motives of this administration in its desire to invade and conquer the Middle East - starting with Iraq. And so this morning, to put a stop to this dangerous, effeminate and unpatriotic climate of discussion and contemplation, I am going to throw national security doctrine to the close-to-being-filled-with-mustard-gas wind, and reveal sensitive intelligence about the six nefarious Iraqi plots which require that America waste no time starting to kick serious raghead ass.
SADDAM HUSSEIN'S PLOTS:
CIA operatives are confident that within six months, Saddam Hussein will have purchased most of the world's available cubic zirconium over the Home Shopping Network. He will mount these precious gems on a dish the size of Utah, which will be launched into space and used to bedazzle and blind the entire population of North America.
Top brass at the FBI possesses compelling evidence that Saddam Hussein has already infiltrated a certain software company in Washington State with Islamic Fundamentalist programmers holding positions of encrypting autonomy. These wily, American-looking programmers will fill 99.99% of America's software with subliminal messages, including "Smoke More Unfiltered Cigarettes," "Eat More Saturated Fat" and "Couldn't You Really Go For a Nice Big Snort of Cocaine Right About Now?" This new software will drive Americans to behavior that may not be noticeable at first, but will result in the success of his evil master plan to destroy America!
The General Accounting Office reports that within four months, Saddam Hussein will, through the clever use of shell corporations, take a controlling interest in numerous key American defense contractors. He will then institute dangerous new corporate policies, including disclosure of product failures and pricing with less than quadruple-digit mark-ups. Within a matter of days, there will be no soft money available to elect Republicans and Democrats who support any and all wars and weapon programs, thereby completing Saddam's evil plan to make America peaceful and fiscally responsible.
NASA now believes that within 2 years, Saddam Hussein will have established an Islamic colony on the moon. His first act upon arrival will be to spit at and set fire to the American flag planted by Neil Armstrong. Then, using millions of miles of neon tubing, he will then poison the American nighttime sky with salacious, orbiting messages blinking scurrilous assertions about our president's genitals and mother.
Kurdish operatives report that Saddam's elite Republican Corps of Engineers is nearing completion of a powerful underground hydraulic system, which will be capable of effortlessly submerging the entire nation of Iraq beneath an elaborate facsimile of itself - the latter populated entirely by genetically-engineered doppelgangers of the late Ayatollah Khomeini - all of whom will vehemently denounce the gassing of fluffy little puppy dogs.
A joint investigation by the CIA and Department of Commerce has revealed that by mid-2003, Saddam will have stockpiled half the world's supply of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. He will then launch canisters of this deadly fragrance from his secret headquarters inside a seemingly active volcano, asphyxiating our nation's capital.
I trust that the release of these terrifying plans will make the populace amenable to our pre-ordained course of action - the wholesale seizure of the earth's most oil-rich lands from the evil, Godless hordes which currently inhabit them - and shut the cake-holes of disloyal busybodies who question the White House. Remember: it is not called playing "Devil's Advocate" for nothing. And we, as a Christian nation, have no time for Lucifer's whining or second-guessing this administration's policies.
No questions.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
*******************************
www.whitehouse.org
> A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
> Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
> it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years
> earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the
> ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should
> cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure
> enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the
> whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming
> to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going
> to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble
> them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized
> the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said,
> "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
> swallow the seamen."
> Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
> it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years
> earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the
> ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should
> cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure
> enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the
> whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming
> to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going
> to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble
> them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized
> the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said,
> "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
> swallow the seamen."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum
> > deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
> > that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
> > assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store
> > on a
> > regular basis, and would like some more.
> >
> > "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
> >
> > "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
> >
> > "Do you have the container it comes in?"
> >
> > "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
> >
> > She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
> > looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
> > deodorant."
> >
> > The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
> > the container....
> >
> >
> >
> > (Wait for it - it's good)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "To apply, push up bottom."
>
>
>
> > deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
> > that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
> > assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store
> > on a
> > regular basis, and would like some more.
> >
> > "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
> >
> > "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
> >
> > "Do you have the container it comes in?"
> >
> > "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
> >
> > She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
> > looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
> > deodorant."
> >
> > The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
> > the container....
> >
> >
> >
> > (Wait for it - it's good)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "To apply, push up bottom."
>
>
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
____ This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
__ every morning when he awoke.
__ The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and_ make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop
__ ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't
__ stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
__ she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went_ by and he continued to rip them out.
__ Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
__ and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
__ malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
__ her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
__ of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
__ waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
__ scream and the sound of__ hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
__ laughing, tears in her eyes!
__ After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
__ About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
__ She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
__ "Honey, you were right.All these years you have warned me and I didn't
__ listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told
__ me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
__ happened. But by the grace of God,some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I
__ think I got most of them back in !!!
____ This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
__ every morning when he awoke.
__ The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and_ make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop
__ ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't
__ stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
__ she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went_ by and he continued to rip them out.
__ Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
__ and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
__ malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
__ her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
__ of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
__ waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
__ scream and the sound of__ hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
__ laughing, tears in her eyes!
__ After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
__ About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
__ She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
__ "Honey, you were right.All these years you have warned me and I didn't
__ listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told
__ me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
__ happened. But by the grace of God,some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I
__ think I got most of them back in !!!
