Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (44 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
> Subject: Did you know ??
>
>
> DID YOU KNOW.....
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
> produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
> worth it.)
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
> like it!)
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
> body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a
> pig.)
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
> starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do
> not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
> to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
> off.("Honey,I'm home. What the....?!")
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
> jumping the length of a football field.
>
> (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty
> on the bottom of a pond?)
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig
> in my next life...quality over quantity)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to
> know.)
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> difference?)
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be
> a
> good thing....)
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid
> to figure that out?)
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like
> that)
>
> Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
>
> Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot
> longer.)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>
> (What about that pig??)
>
>
>
> DID YOU KNOW.....
> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
> produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
> worth it.)
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
> like it!)
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the
> body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a
> pig.)
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
> starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do
> not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
> to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
> off.("Honey,I'm home. What the....?!")
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
> jumping the length of a football field.
>
> (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty
> on the bottom of a pond?)
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig
> in my next life...quality over quantity)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to
> know.)
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> difference?)
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be
> a
> good thing....)
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid
> to figure that out?)
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like
> that)
>
> Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
>
> Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot
> longer.)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>
> (What about that pig??)
>
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts...!!!
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts...!!!
>>Blonde Jokes!
>>No 6 is the best
>>
>>
>>
>> >>
>> >>1st Degree: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang
>>at two
>> >>in
>> >>the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
>>telephone,
>> >>listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200
>>miles from
>>
>> >>here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife
>>said,
>>"I
>> >>don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
>> >>
>> >>2nd Degree: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
>>a
>> >>compact
>> >>on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
>>looks in
>>the
>> >>mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands
>>it to
>>the
>> >>second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
>>"You
>>dummy,
>> >>it's me!"
>> >>
>> >>3rd Degree: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
>>so she
>>
>> >>goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
>>and
>> >>when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
>>Well,
>>
>> >>the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
>>gun,
>> >>and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the
>>gun and
>> >>puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do
>>it!"
>> >>The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
>> >>
>> >>4th Degree: A blonde brags about her knowledge of state
>>capitals. She
>> >>proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend
>>says,
>> >>"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh
>>that's
>> >>easy -- 'W'."
>> >>
>> >>5th Degree: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her
>>she
>> >>was
>> >>pregnant? Is it mine?"
>> >>
>> >>6th Degree: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific
>>accident.
>> >>Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
>>without a
>> >>scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
>>accordion
>> >>that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?" "Why,
>>yes,
>> >>officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the
>>world
>> >>did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked
>>car.
>> >>"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
>> >>driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree
>>popped up
>> >>in front of me so I swerved to the right, and there was another
>>tree!
>> >>I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to
>>the
>> >>right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
>>there
>> >>was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he
>>looked
>> >>inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
>>That
>> >>was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
>> >>
>> >>7th Degree: Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to
>>see
>> >>that
>> >>she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and
>>reported
>>the
>> >>crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
>>and a
>>K-9
>> >>unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
>>officer
>> >>approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out
>>on
>>the
>> >>porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then
>>sat
>>down on
>> >>the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
>>home to
>>find
>> >>all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
>>do
>>they
>> >>do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
>> >
>>
>>No 6 is the best
>>
>>
>>
>> >>
>> >>1st Degree: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang
>>at two
>> >>in
>> >>the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
>>telephone,
>> >>listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200
>>miles from
>>
>> >>here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife
>>said,
>>"I
>> >>don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
>> >>
>> >>2nd Degree: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
>>a
>> >>compact
>> >>on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
>>looks in
>>the
>> >>mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands
>>it to
>>the
>> >>second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
>>"You
>>dummy,
>> >>it's me!"
>> >>
>> >>3rd Degree: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
>>so she
>>
>> >>goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
>>and
>> >>when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
>>Well,
>>
>> >>the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
>>gun,
>> >>and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the
>>gun and
>> >>puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do
>>it!"
>> >>The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
>> >>
>> >>4th Degree: A blonde brags about her knowledge of state
>>capitals. She
>> >>proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend
>>says,
>> >>"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh
>>that's
>> >>easy -- 'W'."
>> >>
>> >>5th Degree: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her
>>she
>> >>was
>> >>pregnant? Is it mine?"
>> >>
>> >>6th Degree: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific
>>accident.
>> >>Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
>>without a
>> >>scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
>>accordion
>> >>that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?" "Why,
>>yes,
>> >>officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the
>>world
>> >>did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked
>>car.
>> >>"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
>> >>driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree
>>popped up
>> >>in front of me so I swerved to the right, and there was another
>>tree!
>> >>I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to
>>the
>> >>right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
>>there
>> >>was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he
>>looked
>> >>inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
>>That
>> >>was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
>> >>
>> >>7th Degree: Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to
>>see
>> >>that
>> >>she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and
>>reported
>>the
>> >>crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
>>and a
>>K-9
>> >>unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
>>officer
>> >>approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out
>>on
>>the
>> >>porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then
>>sat
>>down on
>> >>the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
>>home to
>>find
>> >>all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
>>do
>>they
>> >>do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
>> >
>>
>>* Bar... Monkey
>> > >
>> > >A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
>> > >drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around
>> > >the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
>> > >eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
>> > >them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
>> > >billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
>> > >amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
>> > >
>> > >The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
>> > >monkey did?"
>> > >
>> > >The guy says, "No, what?"
>> > >
>> > >"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats
>> > >everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
>> > >everything."
>> > >
>> > >The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
>> > >the monkey ate and leaves.
>> > >
>> > >Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
>> > >is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
>> > >running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
>> > >drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
>> > >grabs it, sticks it up his asss, pulls it out and eats it. The
>> > >bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
>> > >now?" he asks.
>> > >
>> > >"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
>> > >cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the
>> > >bartender.
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
>> > >eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that
>> > >cue ball, he measures everything first."
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
>> > >drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around
>> > >the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
>> > >eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats
>> > >them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the
>> > >billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
>> > >amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
>> > >
>> > >The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
>> > >monkey did?"
>> > >
>> > >The guy says, "No, what?"
>> > >
>> > >"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats
>> > >everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
>> > >everything."
>> > >
>> > >The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
>> > >the monkey ate and leaves.
>> > >
>> > >Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
>> > >is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
>> > >running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
>> > >drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
>> > >grabs it, sticks it up his asss, pulls it out and eats it. The
>> > >bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
>> > >now?" he asks.
>> > >
>> > >"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino
>> > >cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the
>> > >bartender.
>> > >
>> > >"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still
>> > >eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that
>> > >cue ball, he measures everything first."
>> > >
my first post ever on this legendary thread
three people are stuck in the middle of a desert, they walk and walk for two days and finally they find a lamp, one of them rubs it and a genie emerges. the genie grants three wishes(one wish per person).
The first one says ' Please send me home, its long time since i've visited juventuz.com.
The second one says 'please send me home i really miss my family.
The third one says, where have these two idiots gone call them back.
three people are stuck in the middle of a desert, they walk and walk for two days and finally they find a lamp, one of them rubs it and a genie emerges. the genie grants three wishes(one wish per person).
The first one says ' Please send me home, its long time since i've visited juventuz.com.
The second one says 'please send me home i really miss my family.
The third one says, where have these two idiots gone call them back.
Sally went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life and with her husband. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well Sally, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through the window at us."
btw: :LOL: @ abhinav, martin, fahad and Bongiovi :LOL:
btw: :LOL: @ abhinav, martin, fahad and Bongiovi :LOL:
Little Johnny and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to." The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
-------------------------------
freddy and edna
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
freddy and edna
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
-------------------------------------------------
Lexus dealership A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."