Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (49 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
I never knew we had this many smiles
why is that
:devil:
:cheesy:
:dazed:
:dontcare:
:fero:
:frown:
:greedy:
:groan:
:nasty:
:notlist:
:redface:
:skull:
:sleepy:
:sob:
:stress:
:strong:
:extatic:
:embarass:
:irritate:
:boxing:
:broken:
:totti:
:doh:
:excited:
:flirt:
:fool:
:lick:
:cap:
:eyepatch:
:geek:
:nervous:
:undecide:
:LOL:
:thumb:
arty:
:wth:
:dielaugh:
why is that
:devil:
:cheesy:
:dazed:
:dontcare:
:fero:
:frown:
:greedy:
:groan:
:nasty:
:notlist:
:redface:
:skull:
:sleepy:
:sob:
:stress:
:strong:
:extatic:
:embarass:
:irritate:
:boxing:
:broken:
:totti:
:doh:
:excited:
:flirt:
:fool:
:lick:
:cap:
:eyepatch:
:geek:
:nervous:
:undecide:
:LOL:
:thumb:
arty::wth:
:dielaugh:
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St.Peter at
> the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful
> bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's
> only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the
> wings."
> The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
> conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
> "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to
> worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to
> fit the halo."
> "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
> "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
> "Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
> the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful
> bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's
> only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the
> wings."
> The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
> conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
> "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to
> worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to
> fit the halo."
> "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
> "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
> "Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''
2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''
3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''
4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''
5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his liver, then what's that?''
6. ''Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.''
7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''
8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''
9. ''Damn, there go the lights again....''
10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''
11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''
1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''
2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''
3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''
4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''
5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his liver, then what's that?''
6. ''Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.''
7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''
8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''
9. ''Damn, there go the lights again....''
10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''
11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''
2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''
3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''
4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''
5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his liver, then what's that?''
6. ''Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.''
7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''
8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''
9. ''Damn, there go the lights again....''
10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''
11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''
1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''
2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''
3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''
4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''
5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his liver, then what's that?''
6. ''Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.''
7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''
8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''
9. ''Damn, there go the lights again....''
10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''
11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''
maybe this could help u understand better your gf or bf
Girls' English
Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk" = I need to *****.
"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!
" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!
Guy's English
" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
" I'm tired " - I'm tired
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegel 4 you to have sex with other guys.
Girls' English
Yes = No
No = Yes
May-b = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk" = I need to *****.
"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!
" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!
Guy's English
" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
" I'm tired " - I'm tired
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegel 4 you to have sex with other guys.
Women's Training Courses
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the
First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the
First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
enjoy guys. i m goin to sleep
i actually just found one more. bare with me if u have already read them. they were standing in some notepad file for more than a year
If men ruled the world
1- Two words... "Ally McNaked".
2- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
3- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
4- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
5- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
6- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
7- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
8- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
9- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
10- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
11- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
14- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
15- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
i actually just found one more. bare with me if u have already read them. they were standing in some notepad file for more than a year
If men ruled the world
1- Two words... "Ally McNaked".
2- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
3- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
4- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
5- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
6- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
7- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
8- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
9- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
10- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
11- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
14- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
15- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Subject: This is a stretch
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the speed limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?".
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: PRICELESS
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the speed limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?".
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: PRICELESS
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her
dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be
buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises And explains that
traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see
what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment
with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker
pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert
is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker
"Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's
size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained
that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black
suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her
dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be
buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises And explains that
traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see
what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment
with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker
pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert
is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker
"Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's
size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained
that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black
suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"