Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)

Chxta

Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
Nov 1, 2004
12,088
Woman walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot she likes. Shop keeper says parrot used to live in a brothel, woman says it isn't a problem and buys it.

On getting home the parrot says, "Fuck me, a new brothel." Woman finds it funny...

Woman's two daughters come home and parrot says, "Fuck me, two new prostitutes." Babes find it funny.

Woman's husband comes home and parrot says, " Fuck me Pete, I haven't seen you in some weeks."
 

Buy on AliExpress.com

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
You know you're in Arizona when...
==================================
* You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
* You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
* You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without
flinching.
* You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be
over 100 degrees.
* You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your
car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
* The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.
* You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
* You can make sun tea instantly.
* Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the
streets are totally empty of both cars and people.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* Sunscreen is sold year round and kept right at the checkout
counter.
* You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
* Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other
fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try
to jog.
* You can pronounce Saguaro, Tempe, San Xavier, Canyon de Chelly,
Mogollon Rim, and Cholla.
* You can fry an egg on the hood of a car in the morning.
* You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature
is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
* No one would dream of putting vinyl inside a car.
* You see two trees fighting over a dog.
* You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing
funny.
* You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.
* You hear people say "but it's a dry heat!"
* You buy salsa by the gallon.
* You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
* Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or
"Los."
* You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
* Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
* Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
* Kids ask, "What's a mosquito?"
* People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are
automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
* You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if
you're wearing shorts.
* You take rain dances seriously.
* When a rainy day puts you in a good mood.
* When you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a
shady place - even in the dead of winter.
* You feed your chickens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard-
boiled eggs.
* You "hug" a cactus only once in your lifetime.
* Petrified doesn't mean scared.
* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
* You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water
in the toilet bowl.
* You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your
face.
* You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
 

ReBeL

The Jackal
Jan 14, 2005
22,871
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."

-------------------------------------------

A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
 

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting
phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world
does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct Miss" he says!
"Please explain Johnny" replies the teacher?
"Well Miss. The other day I was playing with my cat on the stoop, The neighbors
Great Dane came around the corner, and the cat went ffffffffff,ffffffffffff,
ffffffffff, and before he could say fuck off, the dog ate him.
 

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the uni-
verse you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
 

Bisco

Senior Member
Nov 21, 2005
14,384
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
 

Bisco

Senior Member
Nov 21, 2005
14,384
Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
 

Bisco

Senior Member
Nov 21, 2005
14,384
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
 

RAMI-N

★ ★ ★
Aug 22, 2006
21,469
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
:rofl2:
Nice Ahmed :thumbs:
 

Bisco

Senior Member
Nov 21, 2005
14,384
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
 

Bisco

Senior Member
Nov 21, 2005
14,384
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
 

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
Four worms and a lesson
=======================
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the follow-
ing results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
 

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers
in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 

JuveAdam

Moggi santo..subito
Sep 12, 2006
1,072
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

:rofl:
 

JuveAdam

Moggi santo..subito
Sep 12, 2006
1,072
A young man, having split from his latest girlfriend decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you"

Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat in
disbelief.....

Before him is a stone walkway leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says, apologetically,

"It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not just coconut juice," winks the woman. "I've been distilling it.....How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. Surely there's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...",

and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes
























"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports!"
 

chester

Too busy to bother
May 20, 2006
15,055
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and
take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the
antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling
your life.
 

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