Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This
will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a
big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be
generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked
up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls
are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum
where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving
lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle
of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC
in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the
room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried
Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
==================
A few for a start....
? What does a hurricane say to a coconut tree?
! Hold your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
? What does a ghost say to a bee?
! Boobie.
==================
- When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the ground down.
- Chuck always sleeps with the light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.
.... there were a lot more but I can't remember them now....
==================
? Which are the 3 most difficult years for a blondie?
! First grade, primary school.
==================
i'll add a few more these days...
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This
will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a
big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be
generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked
up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls
are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum
where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving
lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle
of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC
in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the
room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried
Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
==================
A few for a start....
? What does a hurricane say to a coconut tree?
! Hold your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
? What does a ghost say to a bee?
! Boobie.
==================
- When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the ground down.
- Chuck always sleeps with the light on. Not because he's afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.
.... there were a lot more but I can't remember them now....
==================
? Which are the 3 most difficult years for a blondie?
! First grade, primary school.
==================
i'll add a few more these days...
An albanian and a serbian go to the Pope. And Pope asks them what they want to drink. The serbian says that they want wine. The Pope's waiters bring them a black wine. And the albanian guy asks what is that. The serbian hits him and tells him that that is Jezus Christ's blood.
The Albanian then gets up, thanks the Pope and says: "You didn't have to kill him for us."
No offence intended.
The Albanian then gets up, thanks the Pope and says: "You didn't have to kill him for us."
No offence intended.
How many man united fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change the bulb, one to buy the '2007 lightbulb changing' commerative DVD and one to drive the other 2 back to torquay.
(non-english ppl prob wont get this)
Three, one to change the bulb, one to buy the '2007 lightbulb changing' commerative DVD and one to drive the other 2 back to torquay.
(non-english ppl prob wont get this
)
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him =N=20 and that
continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to =N=15
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly
becomes =N=10.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me
=N=20 every day, then =N=15 and now only =N=10. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also
went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies. "Well," says the beggar, "I hope
you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to =N=15
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly
becomes =N=10.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me
=N=20 every day, then =N=15 and now only =N=10. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's
very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also
went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies. "Well," says the beggar, "I hope
you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
A nice Inter joke from Channel 4:
Mancini feels neglected Sunday 6 May, 2007
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Inter boss Roberto Mancini continues to complain that the media “praises” Milan more than his side because of complex ownership issues.
“I don’t want to cause controversy,” said the tactician when interviewed by Sky Italia television this evening.
“I complimented Gennaro Gattuso and Kaka on reaching the Champions League Final. What I will say is that being a club whose President owns 22 newspapers, what Milan does is praised more than the other sides.”
Rossoneri President Silvio Berlusconi is a media magnate and former Italian Prime Minister who possesses television companies and sections of the Press.
“The media has been a bit heavy-handed in praising Milan’s achievement, but I don’t say it in a cruel way. I was not trying to cause trouble, it is a wider issue at work here.”
*****************
Mancini , you poor thing.....
Mancini feels neglected Sunday 6 May, 2007
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inter boss Roberto Mancini continues to complain that the media “praises” Milan more than his side because of complex ownership issues.
“I don’t want to cause controversy,” said the tactician when interviewed by Sky Italia television this evening.
“I complimented Gennaro Gattuso and Kaka on reaching the Champions League Final. What I will say is that being a club whose President owns 22 newspapers, what Milan does is praised more than the other sides.”
Rossoneri President Silvio Berlusconi is a media magnate and former Italian Prime Minister who possesses television companies and sections of the Press.
“The media has been a bit heavy-handed in praising Milan’s achievement, but I don’t say it in a cruel way. I was not trying to cause trouble, it is a wider issue at work here.”
*****************
Mancini , you poor thing.....
For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words) part II
=================================================
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger ... Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumfe-
rence.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalk-
ing.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
=================================================
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger ... Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumfe-
rence.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalk-
ing.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
