Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)

[JCK]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The
letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he stuffed into
an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt
a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Ahmedios]

Those bastards...

 

[Ahmedios]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

 

[Chxta]

An Arab family was considering sending their
grandfather into a Nursing Home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full,
they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility,
they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful and they have correctly identified me",
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone else here."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"Then there is a judge in here -- he's 95 years
old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years
and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old.
He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years
and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you, Grandpa?" asks the grandson.

"And me , too much honored ...., See, I haven't had
sex for 35 years but they still call me

The fucking Arab!"

 

[Chxta]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The
letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he stuffed into
an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt
a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

 

[ZAF3000]

An Arab family was considering sending their
grandfather into a Nursing Home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full,
they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility,
they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful and they have correctly identified me",
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone else here."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"Then there is a judge in here -- he's 95 years
old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years
and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old.
He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years
and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you, Grandpa?" asks the grandson.

"And me , too much honored ...., See, I haven't had
sex for 35 years but they still call me

The fucking Arab!"

looool lmao

 

[ReBeL]

The difference between men talking and women talking..


TWO WOMEN TALKING :
==================================

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
Mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
Take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
...
...
...
....
....
...
...
...
...

NOW TWO MEN TALKING
======================================

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

 

[ReBeL]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[Kaka1899]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milan and is trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Inter fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Inter fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Maria, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Inter fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Inter fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Milan fan, and proud of it," Maria replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Maria, why, pray tell, are you a Milan fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are Milan fans, so I'm a Milan fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a Milan fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Maria smiled, "I'd be a Inter fan."

 

[Ahmedios]

 

[Ahmedios]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

 

[Kaka1899]

: +reps!

 

[AngelaL]

Good ones! Ahmed & Kaka1899

 

[Ahmedios]

: +reps!

Good ones! Ahmed & Kaka1899

Cheers mates. & int:

 

[Ahmedios]

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going
to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to
others as "She."

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going
to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to
others as "She."

did you get that from "obvious sitcoms 101"?

 

[Ahmedios]

did you get that from "obvious sitcoms 101"?

No, from http://www.the-jokes.com/.

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

i was being sarcastic

 

[Ahmedios]

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

 

[Azzurri7]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The
letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he stuffed into
an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt
a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.

Christmas came and went.


A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the
workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

Mni7a hayde