Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (25 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
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This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,
"Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered"
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,
"Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered"
Three friends staying together, one taking heroine, one cocaine and another smoking weed. The first one, after he takes heroine says: "God sent me to have best women and cars." Second one after he takes cocaine says: "God sent me to have all the best things." The third one, after he smokes weed, coughing, says: "I didnt send anyone". 
This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story. "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked. "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has
stolen our tent!"
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has
stolen our tent!"
The new supermarket
===================
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mist'er
to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs fry-
ing.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
===================
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mist'er
to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs fry-
ing.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man".
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man".
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Hellllo ooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned
later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my ! car in rain storm.....car
swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Hellllo ooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned
later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my ! car in rain storm.....car
swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
i think someone had posted this joke already. +rep anyway though
On Lagos-Ibadan express road when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car. A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle! Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it." The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered: "Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me". The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read: "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just" one N100 to his newly found "preacher".
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."