Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (36 Viewers)

[Chxta]

On their wedding night,

the young bride approached her new husband

and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,

for more than 30 years, with him thinking

that it was a cute way for her to afford

new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day,
she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes,

he explained that his employer was

going through a process of corporate downsizing,

and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59 ,

he'd be able to find another position

that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,

and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book

which showed more than thirty years

of steady deposits and interest

totaling nearly $1 million.


Then she showed him

certificates of deposits

issued by the bank

which were worth over $2 million ,
and informed him that they were

one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results
of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments

worth over $3 million,

her husband was so astounded

he could barely speak, but

finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[ReBeL]

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

 

[Ahmedios]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

 

[ReBeL]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Nice

 

[Ahmedios]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

 

[Ahmedios]

Abe is walking down the street one day when a very expensive new car draws up next to him. Who should be in it but his friend Isaac?
Abe asks Isaac, "Where did you get such a nice car?"

"My girlfriend Sarah gave it to me. "

"Mazeltov. I knew Sarah has been telling everyone that she's in love with you, but... to give you such a car?"

"Well, I'll admit it was very strange," says Isaac. "We were out driving in Sarah's car when she suddenly drove into a small covered area hidden from the road. She then got out the car, took off all her clothes and said to me, 'Isaac, take whatever you want.' So I thought for a moment... and took the car."

"Isaac," says Abe, "you made exactly the right decision. Her clothes would never have fitted you."

 

[Ahmedios]

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

 

[mnementh]

Highly disturbing.

 

[Azzurri7]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

good stuff.

 

[Ahmedios]

good stuff.

Thanks mate. int:

 

[Falafel]

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

 

[Ahmedios]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!" reamed, "PRAISE THE LORD!!"

 

[Mike-e-y]

I have created the "i hate internazionale group" on facebook so if anyone has facebook search for it and please join it everyone is welcome!!

 

[Red]

A guy wakes up and its his birthday.

Goes to breakfast, wife says nothing and son says nothing.

Feeling a bit down he goes to work.

His secretary says, "happy birthday!" and asks him out to lunch.

They have lunch and she invites him back to her apartment for a coffee.

When they get there she tells him to make himself comfortable, she'll be back in a minute.

A few minutes later his wife, son and group of friends return with the secretary.

The man just sits there. Naked. With an erection.

 

[Ahmedios]

Moshe goes into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged Jew methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He's also sticking 'I Love You' heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he's finished, he takes out a bottle of French perfume and sprays all the envelopes with it.
Moshe has to find out why, so he goes up to the man and asks.

The man replies, "I'm sending out a hundred scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."

"Why so many?" Moshe asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

[Ahmedios]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu

 

[Christina]

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

 

[Ahmedios]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[chester]

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

 

[Chxta]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello".

I politely said, "This is Chris, Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to calL the 'wrong!' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "you're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "you're an asshole!".

It always cheered me up.

When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noted a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.


"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.

"What's your name?" I asked.

My name is Don Hansen," he said

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" he said.

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me" I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

"He said, I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers?

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now"

Than I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cops, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works....... ......