Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (59 Viewers)

[swag]

OK, here's an old one from the engraved album sides of Shellac's 1000 Hurts LP (Steve Albini is such a card):

Q: "What's orange and looks good on hippies?"

A: "Fire"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Morra10]

Q: what's brown and looks good on hippies?

A: Poo


man i suck at these......

 

[chester]

Got it all backwards
====================
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why
he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father
of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of
your collar."

 

[Maher]

UK's favourite joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."


Canada's favourite joke:

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Scotland's favourite joke:

Note from a generous man: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

America's favourite joke:

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."
The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."


Northern Ireland's favourite joke:

A doctor says to his patient: "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

England's favourite joke:

Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other.
He screams: "I've slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say.
The first one yells again: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
At last, the other says: "Go home, dad, you're drunk."


Australia's favourite joke:

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me?"
The doctor looks her over and calmly says: "Well, I can tell you there's nothing wrong with your eyesight…"


Germany's favourite joke:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper, frown and say: "That's not it."
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.
A military psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army and handed it to the soldier, who picked it up, smiled and said:

"That's it."

 

[Falafel]

America's favourite joke:

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."
The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

+rep

 

[malducato1]

Barrack Doors

John got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Sir, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
------------------------------------------------------

Mom...Can You Buy Me A Bra?

"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already
fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wears.......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
------------------------------------------------------

What's In a Name?

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,"
the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
------------------------------------------------------

Biology Lesson

At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."
--------

 

[chester]

Fred and Doris
==============
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their ter-
race house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room
and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center
studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mon-
days to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my
job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't
have a bath."

That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in
the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the
fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the eve-
nings, "replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the
studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no
pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and ex-
plained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially
when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not
believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe
me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you
can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for
the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood
behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's
naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no
panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess
you've seen me a millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

 

[Chxta]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether you're here or not."

 

[Chxta]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

 

[Chxta]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

 

[Chxta]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

 

[Chxta]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

 

[king Ale]

-Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and "in reality"?

-Dad: I will show you

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?

-Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?

-Daughter: Waoh! Yes! This is my fantasy!

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?

-Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying:
You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we are living with 2 bitches and 1 gay!

 

[JCK]

 

[Snoop]

nice

 

[petersmit]

omg

 

[chester]

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts to-
morrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag
his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have
any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you' re in deep
water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of
the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than every-
one else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy
a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when
his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going
to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the
same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of
OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be
the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Corvette than in a Ford.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint, you are probably dead.

 

[Chxta]

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[Chxta]

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man!... isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh........ dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!!!!

 

[Ahmedios]

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!