Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (191 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

Newton Laws when he was in romantic mood


Universal law:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "


First law:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "


Second law:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "


Third law:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Chxta]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

 

[joe5]

Great Thread

 

[chester]

Getting to know you
===================
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to mar-
ry her right away.
"But we don't know anything about each other!" she said.
"That's all right," he replied, "we'll learn about each other as
we go along."
So, she consented and they were married, and went on a honeymoon
to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two-and-a-half-
tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position,
then straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few
more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
"That was incredible!" she said.
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he said.
"See, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went
along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about 50 she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly
out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swim-
mer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Portland and I worked both
sides of the Columbia River."

 

[ReBeL]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

-----------------------------------------------


One guy in the plane got up all of a sudden and shouted "HIJACK"

The passengers got scared and put their hands up.

From the other end someone shouted Hi John!

------------------------------------------------


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

[Zé Tahir]

“Some say that this championship is easy for us, since Milan and Fiorentina were penalised and Juve are in Serie B,” he stated.

“I don’t care what people say, we are playing very well and taking advantage of the situation. If we had been demoted, the other clubs would have behaved exactly like us.”

-Julio Cesar



How low can you stoop?

 

[AngelaL]

@ Rebel's jokes.

“Some say that this championship is easy for us, since Milan and Fiorentina were penalised and Juve are in Serie B,” he stated.

“I don’t care what people say, we are playing very well and taking advantage of the situation. If we had been demoted, the other clubs would have behaved exactly like us.”

-Julio Cesar



How low can you stoop?

Not that low, I can't! Only an interesti can go THAT low!

 

[Falafel]

+rep rebel

 

[ReBeL]

A few women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten somewhat over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

Neither one of them had anything to wipe with.One of the women thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,so she proceeded to use that.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst......my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her backside that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

 

[ReBeL]

Blonde's Year


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

 

[Joaco]

This is a joke that I heard some time ago:

There was George Bush and Tony Blair in a party. They were talking about something in a corner. One of the members of the party go do them and said:
- What are you guys are talking about?
- About World War III - says Bush.
- Yeah, we're going 140.000.000 muslims... - says Blair
- and one dentist - add Bush.
So the guys asks:
- Why a dentist?
So Bush says to Blair:
- See? Nobody will give a fuck about the 140.000.000 muslims.

 

[chester]

Blonde's Year


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

Great post rebel, too bad I have to spread rep around first before I can give it to you but great post.

 

[petersmit]

keep posting in this thread.. i love it

 

[Falafel]

Blonde's Year


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn' t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911...."duh" ........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

int:

 

[chester]

Perks of being over 60
======================
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't re-
member them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[Paolo Sosa]

Perks of being over 60
======================
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't re-
member them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

that really killed me :rofl2:

 

[Chxta]

You guys are ill :rofl2:

 

[Zé Tahir]

This is a joke that I heard some time ago:

There was George Bush and Tony Blair in a party. They were talking about something in a corner. One of the members of the party go do them and said:
- What are you guys are talking about?
- About World War III - says Bush.
- Yeah, we're going 140.000.000 muslims... - says Blair
- and one dentist - add Bush.
So the guys asks:
- Why a dentist?
So Bush says to Blair:
- See? Nobody will give a fuck about the 140.000.000 muslims.

 

[Joaco]

I think I told you that once

 

[Zé Tahir]

Really? I don't remember. You still in Santiago weon?