Yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to Quilpe, a little city near to Viña del Mar. It's quite cool, but nothing really happens there. Actually it's cool because you can go to Viña.
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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“Some say that this championship is easy for us, since Milan and Fiorentina were penalised and Juve are in Serie B,” he stated.
“I don’t care what people say, we are playing very well and taking advantage of the situation. If we had been demoted, the other clubs would have behaved exactly like us.”
-Julio Cesar
How low can you stoop?
“I don’t care what people say, we are playing very well and taking advantage of the situation. If we had been demoted, the other clubs would have behaved exactly like us.”
-Julio Cesar
How low can you stoop?
:rofl2:
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
Q: How many times does 59 go into 21?
A: I dunno...ask Woody Allen
Q: What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's
shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A: A block of flaps.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between Peewee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
A: Having two legs.
Q: How many times does 59 go into 21?
A: I dunno...ask Woody Allen
Q: What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's
shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A: A block of flaps.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between Peewee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
whahahaha
A blonde is driving down the road one night and she's swerving all over the road. After about a mile she's pulled over by a police cruiser. The police officer approaches the car and asks what the problem is and if the blonde has been drinking. She replies, "Well officer I looked up and there was a tree in front of me so I turned left and there was another tree so I turned right and there was another tree so I turned left again and there was another tree... no matter which way I turned there was a tree right in front of me." The officer stares at her for a minute, smiles and says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do
single guy s have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still mastur-
bate?
A: Miracle Whip
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck
Q: What three, two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you
A: Because they have cotton balls
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do
single guy s have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still mastur-
bate?
A: Miracle Whip
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck
Q: What three, two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you
Doctor da man said, i'm upset my daughter has red hair, she cant b mine! Nonsense da doctor said even though u and your wife have black hair, 1 of your ancestors may have contributed red hair. Da man said our families on both side have black hair for generations. How often do u have sex with your wife the doctor asked. The man said i was workin hard for the past year we only make love once or twice every few month. There u have it, said da doctor its rust!
Q: If you are having sex with one woman and another walks in, what
do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA
Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A: A speech impediment
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half mast?
A: They're hiring
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA
Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A: A speech impediment
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half mast?
A: They're hiring
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp
Q: Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it
Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage, along with a recipe
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Living will information
=======================
While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and
I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for
living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never
wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
=======================
While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and
I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for
living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never
wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
To sharpen our good engineering knowledge and skills:
1.Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a
baby in one month.
2.Construction Manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver
nine babies in one month.
3.Controls Manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and
if it saves money to adopt).
4.Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even
if no man and woman are available.
5.Instrument Engineer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months
to deliver a baby.
6.Process Engineers are the ones who think at eight months into the
pregnancy that the baby's sex is wrong.
7.Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
8.Structural Engineering is still figuring out how to produce a
baby.
9.Procurement buys condoms by mistake.
10.Planning Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll
produce a child with zero resources.
11.Doc Control Team thinks they don't care whether the child is
delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
12.Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the process
to produce a baby.
13.Piping people don't care...they just want the woman!!
1.Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a
baby in one month.
2.Construction Manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver
nine babies in one month.
3.Controls Manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and
if it saves money to adopt).
4.Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even
if no man and woman are available.
5.Instrument Engineer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months
to deliver a baby.
6.Process Engineers are the ones who think at eight months into the
pregnancy that the baby's sex is wrong.
7.Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
8.Structural Engineering is still figuring out how to produce a
baby.
9.Procurement buys condoms by mistake.
10.Planning Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll
produce a child with zero resources.
11.Doc Control Team thinks they don't care whether the child is
delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
12.Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the process
to produce a baby.
13.Piping people don't care...they just want the woman!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They
had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
