Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (58 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,
immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,
immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap,
while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".
A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest is giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
A grade one teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6" year-olds), because the last one is classic!
Strike while the………………………………………………insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of………………ants.
Don't bite the hand that…………………………………looks dirty.
Better to be safe than……………………………………punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll……………………stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before……………………………Daylight Saving Time.
No news is………………………………………………………impossible.
You can't teach an old dog new……………………maths.
Love all, trust…………………………………………………me.
The pen is mightier than the…………………………pigs.
An idle mind is………………………………………………the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's………………………pollution.
Happy the bride who……………………………………gets all the presents.
A penny saved is…………………………………………not much.
Two's company, three's………………………………the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what……………………you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not…………………smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed…………………………get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you………see in the picture on the box.
When the blind lead the blind………………………get out of the way.
Better late than………………………………………………pregnant!”
It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6" year-olds), because the last one is classic!
Strike while the………………………………………………insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of………………ants.
Don't bite the hand that…………………………………looks dirty.
Better to be safe than……………………………………punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll……………………stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before……………………………Daylight Saving Time.
No news is………………………………………………………impossible.
You can't teach an old dog new……………………maths.
Love all, trust…………………………………………………me.
The pen is mightier than the…………………………pigs.
An idle mind is………………………………………………the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's………………………pollution.
Happy the bride who……………………………………gets all the presents.
A penny saved is…………………………………………not much.
Two's company, three's………………………………the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what……………………you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not…………………smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed…………………………get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you………see in the picture on the box.
When the blind lead the blind………………………get out of the way.
Better late than………………………………………………pregnant!”
Manhood is the composite of qualities, such as courage, determina-
tion and vigour, often thought to define a man. Not everybody a-
grees and there is a lot of discussion about what manhood really
is.
The International Council of Manhood hopes to clear up this confu-
sion by publishing these rules:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstan-
ces:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However do complain at will if the temperature is un-
suitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for an-
other man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a topless
model and even then only if it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you al-
lowed to. kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't look
down there.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talk-
ing about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversa-
tion you need.
22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone. Hang up if necessary.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not accepta-
ble for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
25: A girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gym-
nastics. Ever!
We've all heard about people having 'guts' or 'balls', but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, be-
ing assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, "are you still up cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smel-
ling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping the
wife's ass and having the balls to say, "C'mon, You're next!"
Hopefully this helps in clearing up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
tion and vigour, often thought to define a man. Not everybody a-
grees and there is a lot of discussion about what manhood really
is.
The International Council of Manhood hopes to clear up this confu-
sion by publishing these rules:
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstan-
ces:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However do complain at will if the temperature is un-
suitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for an-
other man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a topless
model and even then only if it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you al-
lowed to. kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't look
down there.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talk-
ing about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversa-
tion you need.
22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone. Hang up if necessary.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not accepta-
ble for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
25: A girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gym-
nastics. Ever!
We've all heard about people having 'guts' or 'balls', but do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, be-
ing assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
say, "are you still up cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smel-
ling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping the
wife's ass and having the balls to say, "C'mon, You're next!"
Hopefully this helps in clearing up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
To my darling husband,
before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your sports car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my
sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXX
before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your sports car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my
sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XXX
We all know that this year's scudetto is fixed in inter's favour & therefore not worth much.