A steak sandwich walks into a bar one day and asks for a pint...only for the bartender to reply, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food here!"
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (25 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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Idle thoughts of a senior citizen
=================================
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... And I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is
gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
=================================
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... And I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is
gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Kids
====
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and es-
says from elementary, junior high, high school, and college stu-
dents of USA.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff
our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and gra-
des!"
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like um-
brellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increas-
ing the population."
10."Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11."The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on
the top and you sit on the bottom."
12."The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular
at the top and plural at the bottom."
13."Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14."Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15."Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this."
16."The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West."
17."Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the fall when the apples are falling off the trees."
18."Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence."
19."After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline."
20."Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name."
21."Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Han-
del. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He
was very large."
22."The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth."
23."The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up."
24."Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years."
====
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and es-
says from elementary, junior high, high school, and college stu-
dents of USA.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff
our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and gra-
des!"
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like um-
brellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increas-
ing the population."
10."Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11."The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on
the top and you sit on the bottom."
12."The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular
at the top and plural at the bottom."
13."Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14."Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15."Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this."
16."The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West."
17."Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the fall when the apples are falling off the trees."
18."Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence."
19."After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline."
20."Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name."
21."Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Han-
del. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He
was very large."
22."The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth."
23."The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up."
24."Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years."
good post Rscafan. 
The Penis Wants a Raise
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
The following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases
__________________________________________________ ________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
Arguments you have
Raised, the management denies your request for the
Following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after
EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
Management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
Often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
Pressured and stimulated in
Order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end
Of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety
Regulations, such as wearing
The correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
Before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly
Been seen entering and
Exiting the workplace carrying two
Suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
__________________________________________________ ________________________
5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then Faint
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
The following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases
__________________________________________________ ________________________
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
Arguments you have
Raised, the management denies your request for the
Following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after
EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
Management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
Often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
Pressured and stimulated in
Order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end
Of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety
Regulations, such as wearing
The correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
Before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly
Been seen entering and
Exiting the workplace carrying two
Suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
__________________________________________________ ________________________
5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then Faint
A man goes into a bar and sees a very pretty girl. He walks up to her and the following conversation ensues:
M: Fine girl, will you sleep with me?
G (with look of indignation): Of course not.
M: Will you sleep with me if I gave you $ 5000?
G: (thoughtfully): Hmmm... Maybe.
M: Now that we've established what you are, can we haggle about the price?
M: Fine girl, will you sleep with me?
G (with look of indignation): Of course not.
M: Will you sleep with me if I gave you $ 5000?
G: (thoughtfully): Hmmm... Maybe.
M: Now that we've established what you are, can we haggle about the price?
That's actually a misquote of a conversation Winston Churchill once had. I prefer his version
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
EDIT: My apologies Chx - apparently the origin of the joke is a bit hazy. I've always heard it attributed to Churchill.
My favourite quote attributed to him:
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
EDIT: My apologies Chx - apparently the origin of the joke is a bit hazy. I've always heard it attributed to Churchill.
My favourite quote attributed to him:
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own pants.
*Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I
said "Implants?" She hit me.
*How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
over fifty for Miss America?
* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!
* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunky dunk."
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
*Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FATcells live forever.
* Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Com-
mandments cannot be displayed outside?
* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.
my own pants.
*Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I
said "Implants?" She hit me.
*How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
over fifty for Miss America?
* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!
* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
"chunky dunk."
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
*Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FATcells live forever.
* Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Com-
mandments cannot be displayed outside?
* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.
New words
=========
- BLAMESTORMING: sitting around in a group, discussing why a dead-
line was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
- SEAGULL MANAGER: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.
- CUBE FARM: an office filled with cubicles.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING: when someone yells or drop something loudly in
a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
- MOUSE POTATO: the on-line, wired generations answer to the couch
potato.
- SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) what
yuppies turn into when one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
- STARTER MARRIAGE: (hmmm...) a short-lived first marriage that
ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- STRESS-PUPPY: a person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
- SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- XEROX SUBSIDY: euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
- ASSMOSIS: the process by which some people seem to absorb suc-
cess and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than wor-
king hard.
- IRRITAINMENT: entertainment and media spectacles that are annoy-
ing but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: the fine art of whacking the hell out of
an electrical device to get it to work again.
- VULCAN NERVE PINCH: the taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. for example, the
arm reboot for a Mac 2 computer involves simultaneously pressing
the control key, the command key, the return key and the power
on key.
- YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a
meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food
stamps."
- SALMON DAY: the experience of spending an entire day swimming
up stream only to get screwed and die in the end.
- ADMINISPHERE: the rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file.
- DDC: Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often pro-
foundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to resolve.
- 404: someone who's clueless. from the world wide web error mes-
sage "404 not found," meaning that the requested document could
not be located.
- GENERICA: features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions.
- OHNOSECOND: that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
you just made a BIG mistake.
- WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4
to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" -Age 15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or De-
cember 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8
"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Hallo-
ween." -Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." -Age 6
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he bet-
ter have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." -Age 5
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started." -Age 15
=========
- BLAMESTORMING: sitting around in a group, discussing why a dead-
line was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible
- SEAGULL MANAGER: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then leaves.
- CUBE FARM: an office filled with cubicles.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING: when someone yells or drop something loudly in
a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
- MOUSE POTATO: the on-line, wired generations answer to the couch
potato.
- SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) what
yuppies turn into when one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
- STARTER MARRIAGE: (hmmm...) a short-lived first marriage that
ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- STRESS-PUPPY: a person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
- SWIPED OUT: an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- XEROX SUBSIDY: euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
- ASSMOSIS: the process by which some people seem to absorb suc-
cess and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than wor-
king hard.
- IRRITAINMENT: entertainment and media spectacles that are annoy-
ing but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: the fine art of whacking the hell out of
an electrical device to get it to work again.
- VULCAN NERVE PINCH: the taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. for example, the
arm reboot for a Mac 2 computer involves simultaneously pressing
the control key, the command key, the return key and the power
on key.
- YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a
meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food
stamps."
- SALMON DAY: the experience of spending an entire day swimming
up stream only to get screwed and die in the end.
- ADMINISPHERE: the rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file.
- DDC: Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often pro-
foundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to resolve.
- 404: someone who's clueless. from the world wide web error mes-
sage "404 not found," meaning that the requested document could
not be located.
- GENERICA: features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions.
- OHNOSECOND: that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
you just made a BIG mistake.
- WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4
to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" -Age 15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or De-
cember 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8
"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Hallo-
ween." -Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." -Age 6
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he bet-
ter have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." -Age 5
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started." -Age 15
The Fucking Disclaimer
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this page and then say it annoys you.
FUCK is an international word. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck Off".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you will never read something like:
"Fuck off", he hinted.
Grammatical Usage
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (John and Jane fucked). It can be an active verb (John fucked Jane) or a passive verb (Jane was fucked by John). Or an adverb (Jane is a fucking bastard) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful).
Further Structures
As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations.
Greetings
"How the fuck are you?"
Fraud
"I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay
"Oh, fuck it."
Trouble
"Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression
"Fuck you!!!"
Disgust
"Fuck me!!!"
Confusion, Curiosity or Disbelief
"What the fuck....?"
Diffuclty
"I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair
"Fucked again."
Good Job
"Congratufuckinglations."
Desperation
"Fuckityfuckfuckfuck."
Incompetence
"He fucks up everything."
Disappointment
"This fucking fucker is fucked."
Intelligence
"He's a fucking genius."
Dismissal
"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?"
Displeasure
"What the fuck is going on?"
Lost
"Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief
"Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation
"Up your fucking ass!!!"
Laziness
"He's just a fuck-off."
Pain
"Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure
"Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love
"Do ya Fuck on first dates?"
Starting a relationship
"Let's fuck now!"
Surprise
"Fucking hell what was that?"
Admiration
"Nice fucking tits!"
Stupid person
"Dumbfuck!"
Hate
"You Fuck!"
Condemnation
"Fuck that shit!"
Disappointment
"That's not fucking fair."
A poker hand
"A Royal Fuck."
Ignorant person
"Fuckstick."
Denial
"I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity
"I know fuck all about it."
Apathy
"Who gives a fuck."
Confusion
"What the fuck just happened?"
Resignation
"Oh fuck it."
Suspicion
"Who the fuck are you?"
Panic
"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Directions
"Fuck off."
Sex
"Let's fuck."
Maternal
"Motherfucker."
Incestuous
"Motherfucker."
Ambiguity
"I'm not so fucking sure."
Agreement
"Absofuckinglutely."
Questioning Authority
"Who the fuck do you think you are?"
Hypocrisy
"Don't you dare fucking swear at me you fucking fucker."
Praising the Lord
"Jesus Fucking Christ."
I have a headache
"Go fuck yourself."
Refusal
"Oh you can fuck right off."
Pissed off
"Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
Be quiet
"Shut the fuck up."
You're right
"Fucking oath." (Australianism)
Ostentation
"He's just bought a big, fuck-off Mercedes."
Sensuousness
"She was wearing a pair of red leather, fuck-me boots."
Confidence
"Fuckin' A."
Impressed
"That was fucking amazing."
Oral sex after 30 years of marriage
"Fuck you!" (while passing each other in the hall)
Apathy
"I don't give a fuck."
Bewilderment or Ignorance
"Fucked if I know."
Enraged
"I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Annoyance
"Fuck off, fucker."
Annoyance
"For fuck's sake."
Pissed off
"Fuck you, you fucking fuck."
Tardiness
"It's ten-fucking-thirty already?"
Broken down motorcycle
"Sir, the fucking fucker has fucked up on me.
Professional appraisal of mechanical failure
"It's fucked."
Calling someone
"Oy, fuck face!"
Minors
"Fucklings."
Morons
"Fucktards."
Thanks
"Fuck you very much."
Famous historical quotes
Never forget the words of these famous people.
General Custer
Where did all them fucking Indians come from?
Mayor of Hiroshima
"What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic
"Where's all the fucking water coming from?"
Michelangelo
"You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"
Einstein
"Any fucker could understand that."
Sean Penn
"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
John Lennon
"Is that a real fucking gun?"
Donald Campbell
"The fucking throttle is stuck."
Anne Boleyn
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Richard Nixon
"Who's going to fucking know?"
Niki Lauda
"I thought I could fucking smell petrol."
Mark Thatcher
"What fucking map?"
Picasso
"It does fucking look like her."
Christopher Columbus
"Where the fuck are we?"
Michael Jackson
"It's a fucking skin condition"and more recently "I told you I didn't fucking fuck him!"
Pythagarus
"How the fuck did you work that one out?"
Walt Disney
"Fuck a duck."
Joan of Arc
"I don't suppose it will fucking rain."
George Bush
"Fcuk! I can't spell."
Miss Marples
"I haven't got a fucking clue."
Noah
"Scattered showers, my fucking arse."
Donald Trump
"You're fucking fired!"
Judge Judy
"Shut the fuck up!"
Paris Hilton
"Fuck me."
Ronald Regan to the Pope
"Yes it does fucking hurt."
Harold, Battle of Hastings 1066
"Watch him he'll have some fucker's eye out"
John F Kennedy
"Who needs that fucking bubble top?"
John F Kennedy
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head."
John F Kennedy Jr.
"What's wrong with this fucking altimeter?"
Bill Clinton
"I should have fucked her."
Hurricane Katrina
"Mardi Fuckin Gras this motherfuckers."
Leonardo da Vinci
"Call that a fucking smile?"
Sir Walter Raleigh
"That's another good cloack fucked!"
William Tell
"Keep Fucking Still."
Some readers have pointed out that there are also some real famous fuck quotes from historical figures, such as General George Patton who among other things is noted to have said:
"I don't give a fuck for a man who's not always on his toes."
"The bilious bastards who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about fucking!"
"We're going to murder those lousy Hun cock suckers by the bushel-fucking-basket."
Australia's Kerry Packer (for a time Australia's richest man; died late 2005) was also very fond of the word "fuck". Perhaps his best remembered quote followed the first time he died in 1990, after suffering a heart attack and being clinically dead for some eight minutes before being revived. When asked if he saw a light at the end of a tunnel he said: "Son, there's fucking nothing there."
Australia's former Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser is believed to have said "Life wasn't meant to be fucking easy".
Mark Latham, another Australian politician had this to say about Prime Minister John Howard's trip to the U.S.A.: "Howard is an arse-licker. He went over there, kissed some bums, and got patted on the fucking head."
Conclusion
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. If by any chance you think I've missed any, please fucking let me know.
How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"?
Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature.
Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today.
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this page and then say it annoys you.
FUCK is an international word. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck Off".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you will never read something like:
"Fuck off", he hinted.
Grammatical Usage
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (John and Jane fucked). It can be an active verb (John fucked Jane) or a passive verb (Jane was fucked by John). Or an adverb (Jane is a fucking bastard) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful).
Further Structures
As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations.
Greetings
"How the fuck are you?"
Fraud
"I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay
"Oh, fuck it."
Trouble
"Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression
"Fuck you!!!"
Disgust
"Fuck me!!!"
Confusion, Curiosity or Disbelief
"What the fuck....?"
Diffuclty
"I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair
"Fucked again."
Good Job
"Congratufuckinglations."
Desperation
"Fuckityfuckfuckfuck."
Incompetence
"He fucks up everything."
Disappointment
"This fucking fucker is fucked."
Intelligence
"He's a fucking genius."
Dismissal
"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?"
Displeasure
"What the fuck is going on?"
Lost
"Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief
"Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation
"Up your fucking ass!!!"
Laziness
"He's just a fuck-off."
Pain
"Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure
"Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love
"Do ya Fuck on first dates?"
Starting a relationship
"Let's fuck now!"
Surprise
"Fucking hell what was that?"
Admiration
"Nice fucking tits!"
Stupid person
"Dumbfuck!"
Hate
"You Fuck!"
Condemnation
"Fuck that shit!"
Disappointment
"That's not fucking fair."
A poker hand
"A Royal Fuck."
Ignorant person
"Fuckstick."
Denial
"I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity
"I know fuck all about it."
Apathy
"Who gives a fuck."
Confusion
"What the fuck just happened?"
Resignation
"Oh fuck it."
Suspicion
"Who the fuck are you?"
Panic
"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Directions
"Fuck off."
Sex
"Let's fuck."
Maternal
"Motherfucker."
Incestuous
"Motherfucker."
Ambiguity
"I'm not so fucking sure."
Agreement
"Absofuckinglutely."
Questioning Authority
"Who the fuck do you think you are?"
Hypocrisy
"Don't you dare fucking swear at me you fucking fucker."
Praising the Lord
"Jesus Fucking Christ."
I have a headache
"Go fuck yourself."
Refusal
"Oh you can fuck right off."
Pissed off
"Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
Be quiet
"Shut the fuck up."
You're right
"Fucking oath." (Australianism)
Ostentation
"He's just bought a big, fuck-off Mercedes."
Sensuousness
"She was wearing a pair of red leather, fuck-me boots."
Confidence
"Fuckin' A."
Impressed
"That was fucking amazing."
Oral sex after 30 years of marriage
"Fuck you!" (while passing each other in the hall)
Apathy
"I don't give a fuck."
Bewilderment or Ignorance
"Fucked if I know."
Enraged
"I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Annoyance
"Fuck off, fucker."
Annoyance
"For fuck's sake."
Pissed off
"Fuck you, you fucking fuck."
Tardiness
"It's ten-fucking-thirty already?"
Broken down motorcycle
"Sir, the fucking fucker has fucked up on me.
Professional appraisal of mechanical failure
"It's fucked."
Calling someone
"Oy, fuck face!"
Minors
"Fucklings."
Morons
"Fucktards."
Thanks
"Fuck you very much."
Famous historical quotes
Never forget the words of these famous people.
General Custer
Where did all them fucking Indians come from?
Mayor of Hiroshima
"What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic
"Where's all the fucking water coming from?"
Michelangelo
"You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"
Einstein
"Any fucker could understand that."
Sean Penn
"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
John Lennon
"Is that a real fucking gun?"
Donald Campbell
"The fucking throttle is stuck."
Anne Boleyn
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Richard Nixon
"Who's going to fucking know?"
Niki Lauda
"I thought I could fucking smell petrol."
Mark Thatcher
"What fucking map?"
Picasso
"It does fucking look like her."
Christopher Columbus
"Where the fuck are we?"
Michael Jackson
"It's a fucking skin condition"and more recently "I told you I didn't fucking fuck him!"
Pythagarus
"How the fuck did you work that one out?"
Walt Disney
"Fuck a duck."
Joan of Arc
"I don't suppose it will fucking rain."
George Bush
"Fcuk! I can't spell."
Miss Marples
"I haven't got a fucking clue."
Noah
"Scattered showers, my fucking arse."
Donald Trump
"You're fucking fired!"
Judge Judy
"Shut the fuck up!"
Paris Hilton
"Fuck me."
Ronald Regan to the Pope
"Yes it does fucking hurt."
Harold, Battle of Hastings 1066
"Watch him he'll have some fucker's eye out"
John F Kennedy
"Who needs that fucking bubble top?"
John F Kennedy
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head."
John F Kennedy Jr.
"What's wrong with this fucking altimeter?"
Bill Clinton
"I should have fucked her."
Hurricane Katrina
"Mardi Fuckin Gras this motherfuckers."
Leonardo da Vinci
"Call that a fucking smile?"
Sir Walter Raleigh
"That's another good cloack fucked!"
William Tell
"Keep Fucking Still."
Some readers have pointed out that there are also some real famous fuck quotes from historical figures, such as General George Patton who among other things is noted to have said:
"I don't give a fuck for a man who's not always on his toes."
"The bilious bastards who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about fucking!"
"We're going to murder those lousy Hun cock suckers by the bushel-fucking-basket."
Australia's Kerry Packer (for a time Australia's richest man; died late 2005) was also very fond of the word "fuck". Perhaps his best remembered quote followed the first time he died in 1990, after suffering a heart attack and being clinically dead for some eight minutes before being revived. When asked if he saw a light at the end of a tunnel he said: "Son, there's fucking nothing there."
Australia's former Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser is believed to have said "Life wasn't meant to be fucking easy".
Mark Latham, another Australian politician had this to say about Prime Minister John Howard's trip to the U.S.A.: "Howard is an arse-licker. He went over there, kissed some bums, and got patted on the fucking head."
Conclusion
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. If by any chance you think I've missed any, please fucking let me know.
How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"?
Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature.
Why not say "FUCK YOU !" to someone today.
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".
