Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (52 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[chester]

Good one rebel.

 

[ReBeL]

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs
in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass
and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

 

[AngelaL]

 

[ReBeL]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde woman fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[chester]

Here's a list of some funny URLs, where the designer didn't
thinking about how people would read the name of the site:

1) Who Represents, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can ex-
change advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-
line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com

 

[chester]

Grandmother's advice
====================
My friend's long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and
for him it is time to reminisce. Here is his story:

The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips
she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her,
and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were a-
live today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grand-motherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers en-
joying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find
a great woman and start my own family.
"And son, remember this always," she said, "be sure you marry a
woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She said in her soft voice... "Makes your ...er... pecker look
bigger!!!"

 

[Meow]

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

I remember a few years back when I was doing my clinical placement in a Sydney hospital, one day I received a phone call from who I reckon was a new immigrant, wanting to talk to a physio THE RAPIST.

I almost fell down the chair....

 

[chester]

I can imagine yes.

 

[chester]

Moses
=====
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many
trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wear-
ing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush
went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look
like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to
the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look
like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores
me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the
president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However,
the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in
the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the
entire Middle East, where there was no oil."

 

[AngelaL]

 

[chester]

Complaining
===========
Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence. And the Abbot
said: "Sister,this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as
long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do
so."

Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years. Then, she was
called by the Abbot who said to her: "Sister Marlena, you have
been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said, "we will get you a bet-
ter bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbot.
"You may say another two words, Sister Marlena".
"Cold food", said Sister Marlena and the Abbott assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her l5th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called
Sister Marlena into his office.
"Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Sister Marlena.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott, "you've done nothing but
complain since you got here."

 

[Maher]

www.whorepresents.com
www.expertsexchange.com
www.penisland.net

heheheeheeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[ReBeL]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

[JCK]

The hotel employee carried the bags and asked to take him to the room.
Once the door is opened, The homsi stopped, shook his head and said to the employee:

"Listen its true that I'm a stranger to this country but this doesn't mean that you fool me and laugh at me, I've paid over $100 for renting a nice room.
This room is too small, has no window, no bathroom and it also contains no bed...!"


The hotel employee politely said then: "I'm sorry Sir. This is not your room, this is the elevator...!"

 

[mikhail]

Is stolen from Borat movie film.

 

[chester]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she be-
longed to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."
But the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says: "Ask him for $200 then pick up the money very
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl-
friend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She said: "The bastard used quarters!"

 

[Maher]

this Borat movie is making a lot of noise

 

[JCK]

It need oiling.

 

[Chxta]

A couple went on holiday to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at sunrise. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious?!").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.

"But I haven't touched you" says the man.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am" and he left.