Dear Sir,
> > >
> > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
> > > endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
> > > three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque
> > > and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
> > > refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> > > salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
> > > eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> > > opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty
> > > for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
> > >
> > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> > > caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the
> > > path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
> > > blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
> > > affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
> > > conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I
> > > know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be
> > > advised about the following changes:
> > >
> > > I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
> > > calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
> > > impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
> > > bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> > > flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
> > > therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
> > > your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
> > > employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that
> > > it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
> > > such an envelope.
> > >
> > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> > > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> > > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
> > > or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
> > > the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> > > assets and
> > > liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> > >
> > > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
> > > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
> > > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > > flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
> > > you to my new system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > > My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > > automated voice service .
> > >
> > > Press buttons as follows:
> > > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> > > nature.
> > > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> > > computer
> > > is required. Password will be communicated
> > > at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
> > > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
> > > 9.
> > > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > >
> > > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> > > This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:
> > >
> > > "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
> > > And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners
> > > sweated for."
> > >
> > > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
> > > has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
> > > at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
> > > repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
> > > matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
> > > of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed
> > > at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
> > > account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
> > > dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service
> > > runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries
> > > brief and to the point.
> > >
> > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> > > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> > >
> > > May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> > >
> > > Your Humble Client,
> > >
> > > (Name Withheld)