Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (169 Viewers)

Desmond · Apr 22, 2003

An Ugly Position

What's the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.
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Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Desmond · Apr 22, 2003

this one's for martin and majed

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Desmond · Apr 22, 2003

What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?

One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have in common?

They both come in a Posh box!

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Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride!

vitoria_Ally · Apr 22, 2003

This one

And these ones

Oprah :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:

Desmond · Apr 22, 2003

i love this one

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Hollywood Lessons

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Desmond · Apr 22, 2003

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Layce Erayce · May 6, 2003

lol

Hilarious Quotes XI
Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
(the best of 1999)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Dj Juve · May 9, 2003

:thumb: :thumb: :LOL:

gr8 one Para!

Desmond · May 9, 2003

thanks

++ [ originally posted by lacrease ] ++

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:

Martin · May 9, 2003

Paranoia, you got some great stuff here!!

Desmond · May 10, 2003

well,i know you guys are hankering for more,now don't hold your breath

------------------------------------------------
Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Desmond · May 10, 2003

Why God Created Man

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

Desmond · May 10, 2003

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

Desmond · May 10, 2003

10 Ways to Annoy Cops

Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

Desmond · May 10, 2003

15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

Desmond · May 10, 2003

Joke Written By and For Retards

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Hydde · May 10, 2003

Girlies!!! i didnt did this jokes!! they came on a email, so i not make responsible =P

> Why is wonderful to be man? >

> 1. The telephone conversations last 30 seconds.
> 2. The vacations of 5 days require a single suitcase.
> 3. Your buttock is not a determining factor in the work interviews.
> 4. When purchase condoms in the pharmacy, they dont imagine yourself naked. >

> 5. All your orgasms are real.
> 6. A small belly does not make a nightmare to opposite sex.
> 7. To the friends it does not matter to them if you have raised or lowered of weight.
> 8. You do not have to load a full wallet of stupidities to go everywhere
> 9. You can go bathroom single and you never request company. > 10. They do not applaud you by any act of intelligence... because it is normal.
> 11. It does not matter to you if a visit arrives and you have not make the bed.
> 12. In order to accept a indecent proposal you do not have to think if you have shaved the legs.
> 13. You do not require an impeccable toilet.
>! 14. You can be bathed and ready in 10 minutes.
> 15. In sex never your reputation worries to you.
> 16. If anybody does not invite you to its wedding, still it can continue being your friend.
> 17. Your underclothes can cost 6 dollars, by a package of three. > 18. If it is warm, you can take off the t-shirt. >
> 19. No one of your colleagues has the capacity to make you cry.
> 20. You do not have shave more than you face.
> 21. If you have 35 and you are unmarried, nobody cares.
> 22. You can participate in pissing championships.
> 23. Everything what you have in the face is of natural color.
> 24. You can enjoy a stroll in car quiet.
> 25. Flowers remedy all your sins.
> 26. You think about sex the 90 percent of the time that you are wide-awake.
> 27. They do not worry to the feelings about the other people
to you
28. You do not have to take to a detail every time that you visit a friend.
> 29. the "games" before sex are optional.
> 30. The mechanics see your face when talking to you.
> 31. You really dont care if someone notices your new haircut. >
> 32. You can see TV with a friend in total silence and by several hours, without thinking "will be gotten upset with me"
> 33. You can admire to Kevin Costner, without stop eating and trying to have his fit.
> 34. You can sit down with the opened legs, without mattering what you are using. >
> 35. You can eat all of you friends meat without worrying abot what the guys will think.
> 36. In the restaurant you dont have to give almost all of your food to your mate.
> 37. The remote control of the TV is only yours.
> 38. People look at your face when you are talking, not at your chest.
> 39. You never lose a sexual experience because "you are brave". >
> 40. If you have a bad relation with some girl, it not affect that you could have good sex with her.
> 41. Your spermatozoa could duplicate the Earth population... at least in theory.
> 42. We dont have to take in count the days.
> 43. You can tinkle anywhere public and until in the presence of the women.
> 44. From 365 days at year, you can have sex in 364.
> 45. When you make new friends, you dont have to worry if they are only talking to you to have sex.
> 46. We dont have to suffer for 9 months,,,just enjoy 5 minutes.
> 47. You dont have to memorize all the birthdates of you friends. >
> 48. When you are going to party, the perfect comnination of clothes are not a problem.
> 49. When you are on a party, and get drunk, you dont have to worry about what the other girls will do to you!.".

Dj Juve · May 10, 2003

hey, i read that somewhere Hyde..hmmm

vitoria_Ally · May 10, 2003

Oh yes, you're responsible for adding it here...

I bet that you wouldn't find so funny this joke: "Why is wonderful to be woman?" if I added it here.

Dj Juve · May 11, 2003

whoa Ally, chill..it's just a JOKE

WHY IS EVERY1 so ANGRY AT EVERY1!!! WHY?!?!?!?!......ALLY IT"S JUST A JOKE..IT'S JUST A JOKE! DONT BE SO HISTERICAL!!..........

...:sob: wwwhhhhyyy...WHHHYYY?!?!!? :sob: :sob: why cant everybody just be happy?!!? :sob:

...where are my pills?...i need my pills...

Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (169 Viewers)

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