Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
How To Wash The Cat!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation).
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry.
Sincerely, The DOG
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation).
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry.
Sincerely, The DOG
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells
her that she has missed her period for two months. Very
worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature
and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house.
He sits in the Living room with the father, the mother and
the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2
townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If
a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and
a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and
$500,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all
this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him: "You'll screw her again!!!"
Right???
her that she has missed her period for two months. Very
worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature
and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house.
He sits in the Living room with the father, the mother and
the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2
townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If
a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and
a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and
$500,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all
this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him: "You'll screw her again!!!"
Right???
++ [ originally posted by lacrease ] ++
hmm...its a beer commercial, a couple's preparing to go out. the lady's at the bathroom counter using mascara and she asks him to go get a sammy light.
he gets the sammy light, takes a sip, and starts screaming like an asshole. she gets scared out of her skin.
hmm...its a beer commercial, a couple's preparing to go out. the lady's at the bathroom counter using mascara and she asks him to go get a sammy light.
he gets the sammy light, takes a sip, and starts screaming like an asshole. she gets scared out of her skin.
++ [ originally posted by lacrease ] ++
yes. thats the one
my brother noticed that the patch was on the WRONG eye
yes. thats the one
my brother noticed that the patch was on the WRONG eye
You say Spanish channels as in they are in Spanish but not actually from Spain right? If you do then yes.
Since this is a joke thread, here's one.
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, he said, "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided hehad to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Texan finally said-------
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Dear Sir,
> > >
> > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
> > > endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
> > > three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque
> > > and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
> > > refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> > > salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
> > > eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> > > opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty
> > > for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
> > >
> > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> > > caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the
> > > path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
> > > blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
> > > affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
> > > conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I
> > > know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be
> > > advised about the following changes:
> > >
> > > I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
> > > calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
> > > impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
> > > bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> > > flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
> > > therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
> > > your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
> > > employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that
> > > it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
> > > such an envelope.
> > >
> > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> > > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> > > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
> > > or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
> > > the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> > > assets and
> > > liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> > >
> > > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
> > > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
> > > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > > flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
> > > you to my new system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > > My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > > automated voice service .
> > >
> > > Press buttons as follows:
> > > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> > > nature.
> > > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> > > computer
> > > is required. Password will be communicated
> > > at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
> > > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
> > > 9.
> > > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > >
> > > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> > > This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:
> > >
> > > "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
> > > And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners
> > > sweated for."
> > >
> > > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
> > > has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
> > > at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
> > > repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
> > > matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
> > > of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed
> > > at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
> > > account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
> > > dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service
> > > runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries
> > > brief and to the point.
> > >
> > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> > > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> > >
> > > May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> > >
> > > Your Humble Client,
> > >
> > > (Name Withheld)
> > >
> > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
> > > endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
> > > three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque
> > > and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
> > > refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> > > salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
> > > eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> > > opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty
> > > for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
> > >
> > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> > > caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the
> > > path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
> > > blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
> > > affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
> > > conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I
> > > know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be
> > > advised about the following changes:
> > >
> > > I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
> > > calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
> > > impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
> > > bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> > > flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
> > > therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
> > > your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
> > > employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that
> > > it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
> > > such an envelope.
> > >
> > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> > > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> > > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
> > > or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
> > > the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> > > assets and
> > > liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> > >
> > > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
> > > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
> > > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > > flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
> > > you to my new system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > > My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > > automated voice service .
> > >
> > > Press buttons as follows:
> > > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > > 2. To query a missing payment.
> > > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> > > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> > > nature.
> > > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> > > 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
> > > computer
> > > is required. Password will be communicated
> > > at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
> > > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
> > > 9.
> > > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > >
> > > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> > > This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie:
> > >
> > > "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
> > > And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners
> > > sweated for."
> > >
> > > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank
> > > has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes
> > > at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
> > > repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
> > > matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee
> > > of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed
> > > at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
> > > account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
> > > dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service
> > > runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries
> > > brief and to the point.
> > >
> > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> > > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> > >
> > > May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
> > >
> > > Your Humble Client,
> > >
> > > (Name Withheld)
My sort of humour:
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of Witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
I love this one
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of Witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
I love this one
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
