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INSIDE EUROPE: This week's numbers are...1-0
Lecce coach Zdenek Zeman explains why he won't be buying a lottery ticket for some time after his side splashed to a 1-0 defeat against Juventus; FIFA president and fervent abolitionist Sepp Blatter gives his view on the modern slave trade; while the 2006 World Cup mascot is unveiled.
'YOU CAN'T WIN THE LOTTERY...'
Lecce coach Zdenek Zeman was in much finer form than his players on Sunday, lashing out against referee Massimo de Santis after the Southerners went down 1-0 at home to Juventus.
Zeman is the whistleblower whose comments on doping in Italian football led to the current investigation of drug use at Juventus and, as such, is not the Old Lady's favourite old man.
The game went ahead despite torrential rain at Lecce's Via del Mare stadium much to the disgust of Zeman, a man with more conspiracy theories than Oliver Stone.
"The game was like a lottery," he said. 'It was impossible to play football on this pitch."
Warming to and then completely changing his theme, the Czech coach alleged went on to claim that the water-borne lottery was in fact not a lottery:
"De Santis with Juve is like a lottery in which the same number comes out fifteen times in a row."
"I'm disappointed that De Santis brings such fortune on Juventus," ranted Zeman to La Domenica Sportiva.
"I'm saddened that they sent him to take charge of a game that the whole of Italy was looking forward to."
Not to be out-hyperboled, Juventus director general Luciano Moggi hit back, claiming: "I think that we have played in worse over recent years."
"After all, we played in a swimming pool at Perugia where we lost the championship on the last day of the season," he said, referring to the 1-0 defeat that saw Lazio snatch the Scudetto in 2000.
BLATTER BLATHER BOTHER
In a tirade worthy of fellow slavery-buster Abraham Lincoln, FIFA supremo Sepp Blatter has condemned the "high-stakes trade in humans" polluting football.
In a none-too-subtle dig at Arsenal's multinational youth policy, the well-fed Swiss official raved: "If a London club has only a couple of English players in its first team squad, with the rest coming from half-a-dozen countries, I am sure I am not the only one who has a problem associating that club with its local area."
There is clear evidence that the humble likes of Quincy Owusu-Abeyie, Arturo Lupoli and Philippe Senderos have their noses pushed to the training grindstone for a gruelling three hours every day before being forced to play anything between one and two reserve matches a week.
In a rare interview, Lupoli made his fear and loathing of the Gunners' beastly boss clear, saying: "I think Arsene Wenger is a wonderful man."
They are the lucky ones. Unfortunates like Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira and Dennis Bergkamp were bought several years ago from plantations in Italy and have since been worked to within an inch of their lives.
So bad has the exploitation become that some Gunners stars can hardly muster the energy to get behind the wheel of their Ferrari and return to their multi-million-pound bachelor pads.
Sporting a highly impressive beard, Blatter turned his attention to the national teams that are also paying the price for this sickening people-trafficking.
"What about the national team that, as a result, is deprived of players?" Blatter wailed as England Sven Goran Eriksson called the Spanish federation, requesting that Wednesday's friendly match be reduced to a five-a-side contest.
Rumours that Wenger has deployed his network of scouts to check out Blatter's local theatres have proved unfounded.
'YOU MUPPET!!!'
A puppet lion designed with the help of the Jim Henson Company and going by the name of Goleo VI has been unveiled as the official mascot of the 2006 World Cup.
Contrary to allegations that the name derives from an unmanned spacecraft from the 1970s, FIFA claim it is an abbreviation of "Go, Leo, go!" possibly a masonic watchword for Sepp Blatter's FIFA cronies.
Goleo made his television debut in Germany on Saturday, alongside fellow muppets Franz "Kermit" Beckenbauer and "Miss" Pele.
Goleo can talk, dance, play music and make people laugh, but is accompanied by the altogether more Teutonic Pille, a talking football with an encyclopaedic knowledge of the game and extensive collection of waterproofs.
Eurosport - ac 15/11/2004