Juvenile joke thread (17 Viewers)

[Bongiovi]

> > Delia's Way 1
> > > Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
>prevent
> > > ice cream drips.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's
>sake.
> > > You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
>anyway.
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 2
> > > To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
> > > potatoes.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a
>year.
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 3
> > > When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of
>the
> > > dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
>outside of
> > > the cake.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 4
> > > If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop
>in a
> > > potato slice.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t.
>Please
> > > recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you Will eat
>it
> > > and I don't care how bad it tastes."
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 5
> > > Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and
>it
> > > will keep for weeks.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > It could keep forever. Who eats it?
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 6
> > > Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
> > > beautiful glossy finish.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg
>white
> > > over
> > >
> > > the crust so I don't do that.
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 7
> > > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
> > > forehead.
> > >
> > > The throbbing will go away.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8
>ounces
> > > of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache,
>but
> > > who gives a sh*t?
> > >
> > > Delia's Way 8
> > > If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
>gloves.
> > > They
> > >
> > > give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > What's the point of blokes then?
> > >
> > > And finally the most important tip -
> > > Delia's Way 9
> > > Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
> > > sauces.
> > >
> > > The Real Women's Way
> > > Leftover wine????
> >
> >

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Bongiovi]

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do
their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd
take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set
and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large
ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded
to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know,
mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck
between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station.
We'll never forget you'."

 

[Desmond]

:LOL:

 

[Bongiovi]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
honeymoon.


"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.


"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to
do.
These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other
in
code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine


door
open' instead?"


So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the


washing machine door open, did you?"


"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell
asleep.


When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and
she
nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine
door
open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"


"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by


hand."

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL:

 

[K10]

:LOL:

 

[Bongiovi]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
> > >
> > > Innovative
> > >
> > > Preliminary
> > >
> > > Proliferation
> > >
> > > Cinnamon
> > >
> > >
> > > Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
> > >
> > > Specificity
> > >
> > > British Constitution
> > >
> > > Passive-aggressive disorder
> > >
> > > Transubstantiate
> > >
> > >
> > > Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
> > >
> > > Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
> > >
> > > Nope, no more booze for me
> > >
> > > Sorry, but you're not really my type
> > >
> > > No kebab for me, thank you
> > >
> > > Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
> > >
> > > I'm not interested in fighting you.
> > >
> > > Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
> > >
> > > No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero
> > > co-ordination.
> > >
> > > Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash
> > > machine or shop front

 

[Dj Juve]

 

[Bongiovi]

>A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They are
all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St Peter
asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact
with a man's thing?"
>
>She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."
>
>St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
>
>St. Peter asks the next girl from Chingford (jingle, jangle) the same
question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
>
>The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."
>
>St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through
the gate."
>
>All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion as a girl from Basildon is
pushing her way to the front of the line.
>
>When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems
to be the rush? "
>
>The girl replies.." If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water I want
to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL:

 

[Desmond]

 

[K10]

1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow


3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.


4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.


5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.


6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.


7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]



8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the b*tch cook in the dark.


9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..


10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.


12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.


13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.


16. What's the difference between a b*tch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a b*itch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.


17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.


18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.


19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

 

[Majed]

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Awesome :thumb:

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL: :LOL:

imagine if you put the joke in the other joke thread by accident

 

[K10]

++ [ originally posted by dj juve ] ++
:LOL: :LOL:

imagine if you put the joke in the other joke thread by accident

then the bossman might just fire me

 

[K10]

not like i was actually doing anything usefull around here anyhow

 

[Dj Juve]

good point

 

[K10]

u too you know

not like i was actually doing anything usefull around here anyhow

 

[Dj Juve]

good point

 

[Lilianna]

++ [ originally posted by K10 ] ++
1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow


3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.


4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.


5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.


6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.


7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]



8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the b*tch cook in the dark.


9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..


10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.


12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.


13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.


16. What's the difference between a b*tch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a b*itch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.


17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.


18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.


19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

f*ck you!!....:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL: