Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (13 Viewers)

[Bongiovi]

How to handle a difficult customer ...

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might
consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained
Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant
in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
been withdrawn from service.

A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I
AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I
have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to Gate14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"F**k You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Layce Erayce]

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.

* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''

* Try on bras over top of your clothes.

* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''

* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.

* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''

* Play with the automatic doors.

* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this ****, anyway?''

* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as
your playing field.

* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''

* Put M&M's on layaway.

* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"

* TP as much of the store as possible.

* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.


* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside
down. (01134)

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''

* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

* Take bets on the battle described above.

* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)

* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'

* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.

* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'

* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.

* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''

* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."

* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.

* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''

* Hold indoor shopping cart races.

* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''

* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''

* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''

* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

 

[Martin]

Unix jokes for ya...


% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.

% why not?
No match.

% gotta light?
No match.

% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)

% How's my lovemaking?
Unmatched '.

% "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% [Where is my brain?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

% alias alias alias
alias: Too dangerous to alias that.

% cat catfood
cat: cannot open catfood

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".

% write desert
desert is not logged on.

% man you
No manual entry for you.

% !bluemoon
bluemoon: Event not found.

% scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
"Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found

% cat 'the can of tuna'
cat: cannot open the can of tuna

% rm Quayle-brains
rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent

% cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery

% lost
lost: not found

% mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory

%touch me
%chmod 000 me
%touch me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied

% ar x "my love life"
ar: my love life does not exist

% ar x "matey, the treasure"
ar: matey, the tresure does not exist

% talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.

% talk Comrade Khruchev
[Your party is not logged on]

% make war
Makeon't know how to make war.Stop.

 

[Desmond]

:LOL::LOL:

 

[Slagathor]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.

Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Come on now!



? ? ? ?



This should be easy for a person of your background and mental powers.



? ? ? ?


If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer.


? ? ? ?



????????????

???????????

??????????

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??

?

Give up?



"SEVEN UP"

 

[Tom]

++ [ originally posted by Paranoia ] ++
:LOL::LOL:

you actually got them?

 

[Slagathor]

++ [ originally posted by Paolo_Montero ] ++
you actually got them?

I didn't, but that shouldn't suprise anyone

 

[Tom]

I don't even know what unix is

 

[Bongiovi]

> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
>my
> > husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> > Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
> > Around
> > 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
> > the
> > cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
> > realizing
> > he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
> > myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when
> > smashed),
> > in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> > 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
> > Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> > When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
>three
> > times, then said, 'oh sh*t', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
> > cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
> > over the cat and farted."
> >

 

[Martin]

There's a shocker

 

[Tom]

:groan:

 

[Desmond]

++ [ originally posted by Paolo_Montero ] ++


you actually got them?

i've learned html and javascript before so i have some idea what the programming language looks like

 

[K10]

++ [ originally posted by Erik ] ++
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.

Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Come on now!



? ? ? ?



This should be easy for a person of your background and mental powers.



? ? ? ?


If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer.


? ? ? ?



????????????

???????????

??????????

?????????

????????

???????

??????

?????

????

???

??

?

Give up?



"SEVEN UP"

Great one. Was that/is that really going to be a TV ad? It should, with 7UP and their crazy commercials.

 

[Layce Erayce]

I saw a 7-up ad with a blind taste-test: one contestant had 7UP and the other had dishwater I think


it was so funny

 

[Slagathor]

++ [ originally posted by K10 ] ++
Great one. Was that/is that really going to be a TV ad? It should, with 7UP and their crazy commercials.

I don't know actually - I just receive these jokes per e-mail...

 

[Majed]

++ [ originally posted by Alex ] ++
Unix jokes for ya...
..
..
.
.

:LOL::LOL::LOL:

:thumb:

:geek:

 

[Dj Juve]

 

[Majed]

what do you want Mr.Tel Torro wanna be!

do you have a problem with me?!!huh?! do ya?! :groan:

 

[Dj Juve]

with you? nooooo...:dontcare:

 

[Majed]

good....now get the hell outta here :fero: (the president(/geek) is on my side this time )