Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools
away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the
size of a thimble. The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I
can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but
your head is so small?"
The man said, "buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat. Then looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. 'Great I said. I'd like to be rescued.' She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared,
sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing
how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could
make love to her. She said that it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and
all, so I said 'well, okay, if we can't have sex, can you just give me a
little head then?'"
away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the
size of a thimble. The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I
can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but
your head is so small?"
The man said, "buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat. Then looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. 'Great I said. I'd like to be rescued.' She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared,
sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing
how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could
make love to her. She said that it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and
all, so I said 'well, okay, if we can't have sex, can you just give me a
little head then?'"
Thanks, mate...
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts.
He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" "Pepper" she replies.
You don't have to rep me again
---------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts.
He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" "Pepper" she replies.
You don't have to rep me again
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".
Wal Mart Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that
kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow'
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at-Wal Mart.
__________________
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing,eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that
kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow'
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at-Wal Mart.
__________________
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing,eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
Another---will have to edit the thread title
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and
dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As
he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? " His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and
asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think...eat your lunch and go back to school." After school,
he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK...What do you think?"
He says..."Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and...I think I gave him
my airplane glue."
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and
dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As
he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? " His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and
asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think...eat your lunch and go back to school." After school,
he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK...What do you think?"
He says..."Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and...I think I gave him
my airplane glue."
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.