Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (8 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more
than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now
listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with
her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend
said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there
with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more
than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now
listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket
with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with
her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend
said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there
with your husband."
She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word. I promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking
for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up,
the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I
sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and
truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well,
since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down
after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up,
the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I
sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and
truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well,
since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added.
"What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the
same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
_
_
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added.
"What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the
same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
_
_
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly
as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked
loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have
your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout
the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F***
You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly
as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked
loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have
your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout
the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F***
You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
You have to sing this to the Queen song!
> Subject: Roy-Keanian Rhapsody .....
>
> > Mama, just kicked a man.
> > There's a screw loose in my head,
> > Because I tried to break his leg,
> >
> > Fergie, the seasons just begun,
> > But now I've gone and thrown it all away!
> >
> > Forlan! Ooh -ooh - ooh,
> > Makes me want to sigh!
> > We'd score more goals with Sid James or Kenneth
> > Williams,
> > Carry On, Camping,
> > The whole teams just in tatters.
> >
> > Too late, my crime is done,
> > Tried to mangle Alfie's spine,
> > Now he's aching all the time,
> >
> > Goodbye Mick McCarthy, I've got to go,
> > Got to leave the squad behind, 'cos I'm a twat!
> >
> > Veron! Ooh -ooh - ooh
> > He doesn't seem to try,
> > I sometimes wish he'd never been bought at all.
> >
> > (guitar solo)
> >
> > (Opera Section)
> > I see a little packaged sandwich filled with prawns,
> >
> > LAURENT BLANC! LAURENT BLANC!
> > HE'S JUST SLOW, OLD AND USELESS!
> >
> > Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening
> > indeed!!!
> >
> > WHERE IS RIO ?,
> > Where is Rio?,
> >
> > WHERE IS RIO?,
> > Where is Rio?,
> >
> > Because Laurents far too slow! He's far too
> > slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....
> >
> > I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!
> >
> > HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!
> >
> > SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!
> >
> > Here it comes, Open goal - Forlan must score.
> >
> > HE WILL NOT!
> >
> > No! He's simply got to score!
> >
> > HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
> >
> > No! He's simply got to score!
> >
> > HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
> >
> > NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER
> > SCORE.........
> >
> > NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
> >
> > Oh where is Rio? where is Rio ?
> >
> > Has he really stubbed his toe ?
> >
> > Beelzebub take the Nevilles from my side, Oh Please ?
> >
> > Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeaaaase?
> >
> > (Guitar riff)
> >
> > So you think that I punch refs and spit in their eyes?
> >
> >
> > Would I kick Alan Shearer and leave him to die?
> >
> > Oh baby, Even though I seem crazy,
> >
> > I'm Roy the Red, rich, thick and madder each year.
> >
> > (Slow bit)
> >
> > All the guys I've clattered.....even poor Alfie!
> >
> > Now I've got a Court case...........I just want to
> > kick folk, you see ?
> >
> > Tell me where did Mick go ?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Subject: Roy-Keanian Rhapsody .....
>
> > Mama, just kicked a man.
> > There's a screw loose in my head,
> > Because I tried to break his leg,
> >
> > Fergie, the seasons just begun,
> > But now I've gone and thrown it all away!
> >
> > Forlan! Ooh -ooh - ooh,
> > Makes me want to sigh!
> > We'd score more goals with Sid James or Kenneth
> > Williams,
> > Carry On, Camping,
> > The whole teams just in tatters.
> >
> > Too late, my crime is done,
> > Tried to mangle Alfie's spine,
> > Now he's aching all the time,
> >
> > Goodbye Mick McCarthy, I've got to go,
> > Got to leave the squad behind, 'cos I'm a twat!
> >
> > Veron! Ooh -ooh - ooh
> > He doesn't seem to try,
> > I sometimes wish he'd never been bought at all.
> >
> > (guitar solo)
> >
> > (Opera Section)
> > I see a little packaged sandwich filled with prawns,
> >
> > LAURENT BLANC! LAURENT BLANC!
> > HE'S JUST SLOW, OLD AND USELESS!
> >
> > Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening
> > indeed!!!
> >
> > WHERE IS RIO ?,
> > Where is Rio?,
> >
> > WHERE IS RIO?,
> > Where is Rio?,
> >
> > Because Laurents far too slow! He's far too
> > slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....
> >
> > I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!
> >
> > HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!
> >
> > SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!
> >
> > Here it comes, Open goal - Forlan must score.
> >
> > HE WILL NOT!
> >
> > No! He's simply got to score!
> >
> > HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
> >
> > No! He's simply got to score!
> >
> > HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
> >
> > NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER
> > SCORE.........
> >
> > NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
> >
> > Oh where is Rio? where is Rio ?
> >
> > Has he really stubbed his toe ?
> >
> > Beelzebub take the Nevilles from my side, Oh Please ?
> >
> > Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeaaaase?
> >
> > (Guitar riff)
> >
> > So you think that I punch refs and spit in their eyes?
> >
> >
> > Would I kick Alan Shearer and leave him to die?
> >
> > Oh baby, Even though I seem crazy,
> >
> > I'm Roy the Red, rich, thick and madder each year.
> >
> > (Slow bit)
> >
> > All the guys I've clattered.....even poor Alfie!
> >
> > Now I've got a Court case...........I just want to
> > kick folk, you see ?
> >
> > Tell me where did Mick go ?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>