Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?", she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?", she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
The World's Shortest Books:
My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson
To All The Men I've Loved Before EllenDeGeneres
The Book of Virtues by Dean Rains
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
Things I Wouldn't Do for Money by Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Easy UNIX
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson
To All The Men I've Loved Before EllenDeGeneres
The Book of Virtues by Dean Rains
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
Things I Wouldn't Do for Money by Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Easy UNIX
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies:
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies:
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man ! on! ce told me..."
------! -------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
I m! ar! ried a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.!
------------------------------------------------------------------ -
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man ! on! ce told me..."
------! -------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
I m! ar! ried a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.!
------------------------------------------------------------------ -
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little less than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change
their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier
address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place
is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the
toilet.
I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It
rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and
second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said
it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The
manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not
allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a
girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned
for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after
he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for
his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS(NOTE): Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realised, I had already sealed off this letter.
Buy-Buy.
Moda
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change
their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier
address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place
is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the
toilet.
I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It
rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and
second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said
it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The
manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not
allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a
girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned
for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after
he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for
his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
PS(NOTE): Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realised, I had already sealed off this letter.
Buy-Buy.
Moda