Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (117 Viewers)

[JCK]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

 

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[JCK]

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak.

Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffies.
11. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko."
12. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
13. The Pope is consecrated not castrated and we don't call him "Godfather."
14. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this. Eat it, for it is my body." He didn't say, "Eat me."
15. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass."

 

[ReBeL]

A young man walks into the local barber shop.
The barber tells the young man to have a seat in the barber chair.
Before the old barber could start cutting the young man's hair,he ask the barber if he knew of anything for baldness.
The old man replied "why,as a matter of fact,I do young man". The old barber looked at the young feller and smiled.
"Well hell old timer,spit it out" the man in the barber chair said.
" Young feller,you ain't gonna' believe me when I tell ye" the barber laughed. "But I'll tell you anyhow. It's ***** juice".
"Ooooh hell" cried the young man. "You old gezzer. You're balder than i am".
The old barber busted out with laughter. "Ture,true,young man. But you gotta' admit,I got one hell of a nice mustache".

 

[ReBeL]

three teenagers are playing football in their home street one day when they all get run over by a car. They all descend to heaven and when they get to the gate of heaven they meet God. God asks them "what are you doing here", "you are too young to die". God then says to them "I tell you what, i'll give you a second chance to live and do what you want to do in the future, so take a run and jump off that cloud over there. But as you are flying back down to earth, shout what you want to do in the future and it will happen".
The first teenager takes a running leap off the cloud and says "I want to be a lawyer". And so 20 years later he is a highly respected and success ful lawyer. The second teenager takes his turn and says "I want to be a brain surgeon" and so 20 years later he is the the most admired man of medicine and is saving lots of lives. Then the third Teenager takes his turn but as he runs, he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the crowd muttering " I'm such a clumsy great prat"
And so 20 years later...... He's still playing left back for Chelsea Football club

 

[ReBeL]

Little Johnny comes running to his mother yelling " A SHRIMP, A SHRIMP MOMMY I SEEN A SHRIMP". Confused she looks at her son and asked "What in the hell are you talking about Johnny". Johnny says " I seen a shrimp in grandma's room, come here i'll show you".

So the two go into grandma's room to find grandma sleeping butt-ass naked with her legs spread wide. Little Johnny points at his grandmother's ****** and says " There it is mommy the shrimp i was talking about". Surprised Little Johnny's mother says " Oh my god no, no Little Johnny that is not a shrimp. We adults call that a ****irus"

"A ****irus?" Johnny says, " Well it taste like shrimp to me!!"

 

[ReBeL]

Little Johnny saw his mother coming out of the shower and asked her what those things on his chest were. Not wanting to get into it at the moment, and thinking that he would not remember anyway, she told him to ask his father tonight at supper. Sure enough that night at supper Little Johnny asked his father, "What are those things on Mom's chest?" never being without an answer his father said "Why those are balloons, and when she dies they will be inflated and she will float up to heaven". That satisfied Little Johnny.
About a week later Johnny"s father returned home from work early to find Little Johnny running out the house screaming "Mommies dying, Mommies Dying!". Johnny's father stopped him and asked him "Why do you think that Mommy is Dying?" Little Johnny replied "Because Uncle Tom was inflating her balloons and she was screaming Oh God I'm coming".

 

[Chxta]

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran.”

 

[Chxta]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys; we’re going up to our room for a little while.” Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parent’s bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. “Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs.”

 

[Chxta]

There was a plane going overseas. The pilot realized after they had taken off that the plane was carrying too much weight. If they didn't lighten the load they were going to crash.

So they dumped the freight.

The plane was still too heavy. Then they dumped the luggage. Still too heavy! So the pilot announced to the passengers what was going on, and asked for about 15 volunteers to jump off the plane with a parachute. The navy had been alerted, so they would have ships waiting for them below. And they would get a pass to fly free on this airline for the rest of their lives.

No one budged.

The pilot asked again, still no one moved.

So the pilot says: "OK, we're going to do pick people to jump, but fairly.

We'll go by alphabet, race by race: Please All Africans step to the front of the plane now!"

No one moved.

He then says: "All Blacks, step to the front, please."

No one still moved.

"All Coloreds step to the front, please."

Still no one moved.

At this point a little boy asked his father: "Dad, aren't we African or Black or Colored?"

The father says: "No, son, today we're Negroes. And if someone doesn't hurry up and step up to the front, we be Zulu!"

 

[Marion]

I guess this joke hasn't been posted yet, It's a bit stupid but...

It's 3 o'clock at night
Then phone starts ringing
Sleepy guy picks up : "Yeah"
Voice answers : "Hey, you aren't sleeping either?"
:cheesy: - :groan: - :down:

 

[Chxta]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet

Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law >(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are! leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expand! ing at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the t emperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true.
Further, I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

 

[Chxta]

This one is a pun on the drive to get Nigerian professionals in diaspora back...

 

[Martin]

++ [ originally posted by Jeeks ] ++
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak.

Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffies.
11. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko."
12. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
13. The Pope is consecrated not castrated and we don't call him "Godfather."
14. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this. Eat it, for it is my body." He didn't say, "Eat me."
15. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass."

not bad

 

[Chxta]

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident.The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (intears),"When I was struggling with my studies in the university,I failed again and again. Sometimes I even had to retake the papers.You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued,When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs,you were there,cutting out the jobs ads for me to apply..."

He added,"...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. but you are still there for me."

His wife was in tears. The man said," I finally got a job after being laid off for quite sometime.But I never seemed to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now.you are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,"And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something i'll really like to say to you..." she flung herself on the bed and hugged her husband,sobbing with deep emotion.

Finally her husband said,"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[JCK]

++ [ originally posted by Martin ] ++


not bad

Someone somehow appreciated my kind of humour

 

[Chxta]

What a Woman Wants in a Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

 

[Maher]

hahaahahaha

 

[Chxta]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

 

[Chxta]

 

[Chxta]

Santa singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing
except for the LOGIC part. One
day when he was reading, one of his non-sardar friends came home.

Friend: Santa singhji How is your MBA preparation?

Santa Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Friend: Logic is very easy.

Santa singh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Santa: YES.

Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Santa: YES.

Friend: so, logically, you are married.

Santa: YES.

Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.

Santa singh was very glad and he understood logic.

Next day he sees

Banta singh and he was also preparing for MBA

Santa: How is your MBA preparation?

Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Santa: Oh, logic is easy.

Banta: Pleaseeee, give me an example.

Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Banta: NO, I don't.

Santa: saala!!! HOMO!!!