Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)

[Dj Juve]

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did he get?" "Fifteen years for theft."

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The following is a study into the sporting preferences for office workers... The sport of choice for unskilled workers was tenpin bowling. For skilled workers, it was football. For supervisors, baseball. For middle management, tennis. For corporate officers, it was golf. The trend is clear: the higher the rank, the smaller the balls.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[.AB.]

Once two people are playing golf, one of them is a priest. The other guy misses the hole by inches and he says, 'Sh!t i missed'. The priest tells the other guy not to use bad words, coz god will punish him. But he keeps repeating it. A bolt of lightning from top hits the priest and he dies, then there is a voice from above saying 'sh!t i missed'.

 

[Dj Juve]

:LOL:

 

[.AB.]

++ [ originally posted by [DJ Juve] ] ++
Lexus dealership A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

 

[Dj Juve]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As the officer examined the wreckage, a small monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer glanced down at the money and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the astounded officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this accident?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them by his mouth. "They were doing drugs?" "Yes." "Now, just wait a minute. You're saying that they were drinking and doing drugs just before the car got wrecked?" "Yes." "What were you doing during all of this time?" "Driving," motioned the monkey.

 

[.AB.]

At the end the 01/02 Serie A season, Cuper wants to know the reason behind Juve's success, so one fine days he goes to the juve training session and asks lippi 'whats the secret behind u'r success' Lippi tells him that my players are intelligent, I'll prove it to you'. He calls Dp and asks what his name was. He says Dp.

Cuper goes to milan immediatly and asks Ronaldo(inter player then) What his name was. Ronaldo asks for some time. The same day night Ronaldo calls vieri and asks what his name was, vieri tells 'my name is vieri'. The next day ronaldo goes all exited to cuper and tells' coach, coach, coach i've found the answer' My name is Vieri' Cuper slaps him and says u idiot u'r name is Dp and sends him to Real Madrid immediatly.

 

[Dj Juve]

 

[Nekton]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him
a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for me having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important...

 

[Martin]

 

[Sarah_old]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."


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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."


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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


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Customer: "Huh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."


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Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and type 'dir'."

Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?


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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..."


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And the best for last!!!!

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broken and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other
techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

 

[Martin]

++ [ originally posted by -S- ] ++
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

:LOL::LOL::LOL:

I can't believe how many brain dead people there are on this earth!

 

[.AB.]

A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place

and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra

crossing there ?

The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do

 

[Dj Juve]

++ [ originally posted by Alex ] ++


:LOL::LOL::LOL:

I can't believe how many brain dead people there are on this earth!

ur be surprised

 

[Majed]

>A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared.
>
>The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
>The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
>
>The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.
>
>" The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "GOD, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
>
>The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
>
>The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"
>
>
>

 

[vitoria_Ally]

I knew it but one of my favs and still

 

[Majed]

ooopsi

is it already in this thread?

 

[vitoria_Ally]

I don't know but I knew this joke earlier, it's quite popular over here

 

[Martin]

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/oil.jpg

 

[Majed]

Once upon a time
There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.

But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood,
plastic...anything she touched would melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."

The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it
melted. The Prince went away sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest substance in the world
and will not melt.

But, alas, once the Princess touched
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He
told the Princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held
it in her hand...and it did not melt!!

The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed!

And the third Prince married the
Princess and the both lived
happily ever after.


The question is?!?!?!?
What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v


They were M&M's, of course.
THEY melt in your MOUTH,
NOT in your HAND!!

 

[Dj Juve]