Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (25 Viewers)

[Chxta]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, 'Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!'

 

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[ReBeL]

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the blonde asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, an I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[ReBeL]

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."
''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a *****. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

 

[Chxta]

A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can't find a place to sit
accept for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the
chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

 

[Chxta]

A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Doc! Doc! Come fas nuh! Is muh wife man! She water dun brek man! She bout to born de chile!" The doctor came over and told the father "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise de Lard! A boy! I's de proud fadduh of A baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp highernuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "Is twins!! I
got twins! I's doubly blessed! Glory be to God!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Thank ya Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold de lamp higher!. Hold de lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold de lamp higher man! Hold the lamp higher nuh!" The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe is de light dat attractin' dem?"

 

[ReBeL]

A guy was helping a farmer get a load of hay out from the barn when he noticed a pig with a wooden leg limping around in front of the barn. So he asked the farmer: "Did you see that pig? What's with the wooden leg?"
The farmer sat down on a bale of hay and began to tell the guy the pig's story:
"One day," he began, "my wife and I were sleeping upstairs, when the pig came running in, jumped into our bed with us, and squealed like mad. So we got up and went outside to see what was going on. The old stove down in the kitchen had exploded. The flames were everywhere. The whole house was on fire! If it hadn’t been for that pig, my wife and I wouldn’t be alive today."
"Wow! That's amazing!" the guy said. "So the pig lost that leg in the fire?"
"Well no," replied the farmer. "One day when I was plowing the field out back, my tractor tipped over and I was trapped underneath and couldn’t free myself. That same pig came over, dug me out and saved my life!"
"Incredible!" said the guy. "But how did that pig lose his leg?"
"Well, a great pig like that, we ain't gonna eat all at once!"

 

[Chxta]

 

[JCK]

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" > TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

 

[Maher]

nice

 

[JCK]

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

 

[JCK]

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your > brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.

 

[JCK]

 

[pembohong]

Anyone knows which team he plays for?

 

[Slagathor]

++ [ originally posted by pembohong ] ++
Anyone knows which team he plays for?

Oh Jesus, would it kill you to walk 10 meters to the nearest toilet?

 

[Chxta]

 

[Chxta]

Fourteen year old girl was impregnated and her parents were Mad at her and wanted to know who did such a wicked thing to their daughter so that they can press charges but the girl remained silent and afer all said and done she demanded to make a phone call . After a while a red rolls royce car packed in front of their house immediately the guy said he was sorry but the harm has been done so he continued by saying; If your daugther gives birth to a boy she is going to be the owner of his estate and $5,000,000,if she gives birth to a girl its going to be a mansion and$2,000,000, and if it is a miscarriage...

Immediately the father interupted: YOU WILL FUCK HER AGAIN!

 

[Desmond]

Could that player be playing for Hellas Verona?

 

[/usr/bin]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

 

[/usr/bin]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

[/usr/bin]

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"