Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (45 Viewers)

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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.

 

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[Chxta]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

 

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++ [ originally posted by Chxta ] ++


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

 

[Chxta]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

 

[ReBeL]

hahaha

A nice story and a better end!!!

 

[JCK]

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"

Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

 

[JCK]

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

 

[JCK]

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because Chinese could have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

 

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++ [ originally posted by Jeeks ] ++
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

 

[Chxta]

++ [ originally posted by Jeeks ] ++
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because Chinese could have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

:LOL:

 

[Azzurri7]

++ [ originally posted by Jeeks ] ++
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

Lol

 

[ReBeL]

A guy, very much in love with his girlfriend WENDY, decides one day to have her name tattooed on his *****. When the ***** was relaxed, you could see the letters WY, while it was erect you could read the name WENDY

One day the guy left with Wendy to Jamaica He was having great fun swimming and lying in the sun with Wendy

he feels the need to pee and goes to the toilets While he is doing his business he sees a black man standing next to him doing the same thing.

Out of curiosity, the guy looks down and sees on the black man’s ***** 2 letters: WY

Hei! Have you also got a girlfriend called WENDY?

The black guy says that he hasn’t got any girlfriend and that he is a tourist guide on the island; he also asks the reason for this question.

The guy says:

I have seen on your ***** the letters WY

Also mine has the two letters WY

But when it is erect, you can read the name WENDY.

The black guy, a bit surpised, replies: When mine is erect, it reads :

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA, THANKS FOR YOUR VISIT AND HAVE A NICE DAY"

 

[Azzurri7]

Lovely

 

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++ [ originally posted by Luciano_Moggi ] ++
A guy, very much in love with his girlfriend WENDY, decides one day to have her name tattooed on his *****. When the ***** was relaxed, you could see the letters WY, while it was erect you could read the name WENDY

One day the guy left with Wendy to Jamaica He was having great fun swimming and lying in the sun with Wendy

he feels the need to pee and goes to the toilets While he is doing his business he sees a black man standing next to him doing the same thing.

Out of curiosity, the guy looks down and sees on the black man’s ***** 2 letters: WY

Hei! Have you also got a girlfriend called WENDY?

The black guy says that he hasn’t got any girlfriend and that he is a tourist guide on the island; he also asks the reason for this question.

The guy says:

I have seen on your ***** the letters WY

Also mine has the two letters WY

But when it is erect, you can read the name WENDY.

The black guy, a bit surpised, replies: When mine is erect, it reads :

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA, THANKS FOR YOUR VISIT AND HAVE A NICE DAY"

Old one, but still good though..

 

[KB824]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian
woman for several years. One night, during one of
their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would move to Italy and secretly have the child. If
she would raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would
then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he
said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

 

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++ [ originally posted by Sergio ] ++
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian
woman for several years. One night, during one of
their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would move to Italy and secretly have the child. If
she would raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
asked how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would
then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he
said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

 

[Chxta]

YEKPE!!! MOGBE!!!

 

[nedved34]

1

 

[nedved34]

2

 

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:LOL: