Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She
raised
> her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
> people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a
> drink?"
>
> The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
> But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed very, very drunk man slammed
his
> hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to
> the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
> hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
>
> Once again, the same little owl-eyed drunk slapped his money down on the
bar
> and said "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the
> little owl-eyed drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if
you
> want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the
> ballerina?"
>
> The drunk replied: "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a
> ballerina!
raised
> her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
> people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a
> drink?"
>
> The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
> But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed very, very drunk man slammed
his
> hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>
> The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to
> the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
> hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
>
> Once again, the same little owl-eyed drunk slapped his money down on the
bar
> and said "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the
> little owl-eyed drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if
you
> want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the
> ballerina?"
>
> The drunk replied: "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a
> ballerina!
good one 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, who's tired just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends email to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The blonde, who's tired just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends email to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Girls are like exams because...
-you'd rather get an easy one.
-you get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.
-if you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.
-the less they have on them the better.
-they suck and/or blow.
-when you finish one, you have to immediately start preparing for the next one.
-if you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.
-you have to put in a lot of effort for very little reward.
-nothing about them makes any ****ing sense.
-they just lie there and you have to do all the work.
-when you are done you get up and leave.
-good curves make for a more enjoyable experience.
-it's easy to bullshit one"
-you'd rather get an easy one.
-you get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.
-if you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.
-the less they have on them the better.
-they suck and/or blow.
-when you finish one, you have to immediately start preparing for the next one.
-if you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.
-you have to put in a lot of effort for very little reward.
-nothing about them makes any ****ing sense.
-they just lie there and you have to do all the work.
-when you are done you get up and leave.
-good curves make for a more enjoyable experience.
-it's easy to bullshit one"
Four Management Lessons
*******************
Lesson Number One
*****************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*******************
Lesson Number One
*****************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
...but the good curves part?Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Lesson Number Two
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
*******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the ####### spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the ####### being the Boss. So the ####### went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the f rozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops #### on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of #### is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ####, keep your mouth shut!
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that ####### should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ####!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ####### will do.
*******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the ####### spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the ####### being the Boss. So the ####### went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the f rozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops #### on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of #### is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ####, keep your mouth shut!
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that ####### should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the ####!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ####### will do.
>Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A
>twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?
>A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real !'
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
>A blonde tried to shoot herself!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and failed.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that
>dog with one eye!''
>The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
>twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?
>A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real !'
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
>A blonde tried to shoot herself!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and failed.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that
>dog with one eye!''
>The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
>In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting
>mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you
>lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
>enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette
>goes first.
>"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
>
>"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm
>the prettiest woman on earth."
>
>"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
>
>"I think--"
>
>"POOF!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on top of a burning
>building. When the firemen got there they stretched the trampoline
>out and told the brunette to jump. She jumped, then the firemen
>moved back and she died.
>Then they moved back and told the redhead to jump. She said ''No! I
>saw what you just did!'' The firemen replied, ''we don't like
>brunettes, we won't move this time!'' So she believed them and
>jumped. They moved again, then returned to where they were.
>
>Then they told the blonde to jump. She replied ''No I saw what you
>did to them!'' The firemen said, ''we don't like brunettes or
>redheads, we like blondes!'' She then said ''OK! I'll tell you what
>to do! All of you put the net on the ground and BACK UP!''
>mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you
>lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
>enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette
>goes first.
>"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
>
>"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm
>the prettiest woman on earth."
>
>"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
>
>"I think--"
>
>"POOF!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were on top of a burning
>building. When the firemen got there they stretched the trampoline
>out and told the brunette to jump. She jumped, then the firemen
>moved back and she died.
>Then they moved back and told the redhead to jump. She said ''No! I
>saw what you just did!'' The firemen replied, ''we don't like
>brunettes, we won't move this time!'' So she believed them and
>jumped. They moved again, then returned to where they were.
>
>Then they told the blonde to jump. She replied ''No I saw what you
>did to them!'' The firemen said, ''we don't like brunettes or
>redheads, we like blondes!'' She then said ''OK! I'll tell you what
>to do! All of you put the net on the ground and BACK UP!''
>What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?
>Third grade.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
>"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops
>following us?"
>
>The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I
>do."
>
>"Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
>
>The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup... nope...
>yup...."
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22
>bus twice instead.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
>Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his
>dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady
>sitting in the audience stands up.
>"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's
>because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work
>and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or
>brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
>
>"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't
>mean to hurt your feelings."
>
>"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on
>your lap!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why'd the chicken cross the road?
>To show the blonde how!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The
>blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?''
>She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many
>there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes,
>''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
>Third grade.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
>"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops
>following us?"
>
>The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I
>do."
>
>"Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
>
>The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup... nope...
>yup...."
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22
>bus twice instead.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
>Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his
>dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady
>sitting in the audience stands up.
>"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's
>because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work
>and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or
>brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
>
>"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't
>mean to hurt your feelings."
>
>"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on
>your lap!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why'd the chicken cross the road?
>To show the blonde how!
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The
>blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?''
>She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many
>there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes,
>''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
>Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?
>A: “Toes go in first.”
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>How did the blonde girl put out her cigarette?
>She threw it in the water and stepped on it.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
>six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never
>eat twelve pieces.''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two
>blondes:
>“Parking for drive-through customers only!”
>
>
>
>Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store?
>The sign said ''Wet Floor.''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a
>coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a
>coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
>And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her.
>Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and
>thirsty!"
>
>And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back
>from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the
>stairs to get them, and she said to herself, ''Am I going up the
>stairs or down the stairs?'' So, she stood there puzzled, the bags
>of groceries still in her hands.
>Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was
>too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, ''Was I
>getting in the tub or out of the tub?'' She stood there, just
>thinking about it.
>
>Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee
>table, and she said to herself, ''Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as
>the other two!'' She knocked the table. ''Was that the front door or
>the back door?''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
>She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
>A: “Toes go in first.”
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>How did the blonde girl put out her cigarette?
>She threw it in the water and stepped on it.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
>six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never
>eat twelve pieces.''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two
>blondes:
>“Parking for drive-through customers only!”
>
>
>
>Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store?
>The sign said ''Wet Floor.''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a
>coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a
>coke came out - so she kept putting money in.
>And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her.
>Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and
>thirsty!"
>
>And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back
>from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the
>stairs to get them, and she said to herself, ''Am I going up the
>stairs or down the stairs?'' So, she stood there puzzled, the bags
>of groceries still in her hands.
>Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was
>too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, ''Was I
>getting in the tub or out of the tub?'' She stood there, just
>thinking about it.
>
>Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee
>table, and she said to herself, ''Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as
>the other two!'' She knocked the table. ''Was that the front door or
>the back door?''
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
>She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!