Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (51 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Diary of an AOL User
july 18 - i just got a new computer and tried to connect to america online. ive heard it is the best online service i can get. i cant connect. i dont know what is wrong.
july 19 - some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. Why do they always try to make you buy extra stuff you dont need? how dumb does he think i am?
july 22 - i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt fit in the moniter or the printer. im confused.
july 23 - i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that twelve year old next door did it for me. but it still dont work. i cant get online.
july 25 - the kid next door hooked me up to america online. hes so smart. i told the kid he was a prodigy. but he says thats just another service. what a modest kid. hes so smart and he does these services for people. anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the broke computer and than forced me to buy the modem. they didnt even tell me about communications software. bet they didnt know. and why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? and why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? WTF? i thought the dial tone sounded funny! boy are modem makers dumb! but the kid figured it out by the sound.
july 26 - whats the internet? i paid for america online. not this internet thing. im confused.
july 27 - the twelve year old kid next door showed me how to use this america online stuff. i told him he must be a genius. he says that he is compared to me. maybe hes not so modest after all.
july 28 - i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.
july 29 - i found this thing called usenet. i got out of it because im connected to america online not usenet.
july 30 - these people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. how do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard. i bet i have to buy something new again.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPERATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDNT KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that cost money everytime you use it. What a rip off.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited. im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. i will have to work on it some more. I have a lot of room left.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but i cant find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. Why are people so dumb?
july 18 - i just got a new computer and tried to connect to america online. ive heard it is the best online service i can get. i cant connect. i dont know what is wrong.
july 19 - some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. Why do they always try to make you buy extra stuff you dont need? how dumb does he think i am?
july 22 - i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt fit in the moniter or the printer. im confused.
july 23 - i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that twelve year old next door did it for me. but it still dont work. i cant get online.
july 25 - the kid next door hooked me up to america online. hes so smart. i told the kid he was a prodigy. but he says thats just another service. what a modest kid. hes so smart and he does these services for people. anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the broke computer and than forced me to buy the modem. they didnt even tell me about communications software. bet they didnt know. and why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? and why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? WTF? i thought the dial tone sounded funny! boy are modem makers dumb! but the kid figured it out by the sound.
july 26 - whats the internet? i paid for america online. not this internet thing. im confused.
july 27 - the twelve year old kid next door showed me how to use this america online stuff. i told him he must be a genius. he says that he is compared to me. maybe hes not so modest after all.
july 28 - i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.
july 29 - i found this thing called usenet. i got out of it because im connected to america online not usenet.
july 30 - these people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. how do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard. i bet i have to buy something new again.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPERATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDNT KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that cost money everytime you use it. What a rip off.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited. im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. i will have to work on it some more. I have a lot of room left.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but i cant find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. Why are people so dumb?
The Definitive Guide to the Internet
.
Recently I've noticed that there are quite a few people who still aren't familiar with all of the common terms and acronyms associated with the internet. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I've decided to help define these terms and acronyms so our new internet friends can feel comfortable using them.
Definitions:
Active X - This phrase is used to distinguish web sites with adult or pornographic content (hence the "X").
AGP - Aroma Gust Protocal. A code used to let other internet users know you've detected a fart.
AI - The gramatically incorrect way of saying "an eye."
ANSI - Children that can't sit still or fidget too much are considered antsy (ANSI is the common internet way of saying this). When you grow impatient with something, tell people you're feeling ANSI (this will make you sound intelligent).
ASCII - Pronounced "Ass Key." This is a term used in most gay and bisexual news groups to let someone know you're interested in them. All ass pirates use an ASCII as their method of exploiting ass. (No relation to real pirates.)
API - This is a short way of saying "a pie." It would be correct usage to say "My friend baked me API."
Bandwidth - This is what the internet had before it became a popular means of distributing pornography.
Basic - A useless programming language designed to frustrate and confuse users (See COBOL for more on useless programming languages).
Binary - This is what real programmers write their code in.
BIOS - BI-sexual Operating System. A politically correct operating system pre-installed on Macintosh systems.
Beta Version - The final state of a program published by Microsoft.
Browser - A program used by people who are intimidated by looking at raw HTML code. (See "Cowards" for more on people that are intimidated by raw HTML code)
Cache - Potentially incriminating evidence... ahem.
CD-ROM - An object that costs approximately 3 cents to make that the music industry uses to cheat hard working people out of $15 dollars with.
CGI - Computer Glossary Index. Anyone that wants to sound intelligent in a computer conversation needs to mention that own a CGI.
COBOL - A programming language with broken, ugly code and ass-backwards syntax.
Compiler - A program designed to tell you how wrong you are. It's a great way to induce stress and frustration.
Compression - The communistic model of government. Or was that suppression?
Cowards - People that are afraid to use vi, pico, or any other unix-based text editor to develop web pages.
Cursor - Pronounced "Curse-OR." The name of a robot from a popular 1950's B movie about a robot that cusses like a sailor.
Database - This is something the IRS uses to check up on honest, hard-working citizens to give them a hard time.
Direct X - Direct access to a site with pornographic or adult content.
DOS - A bastardized copy of the operating system CP/M.
DNS - Destroyed Node Sequence. This is a fatal error caused by a virus on the internet. If you try going to a web site and it says something to the effect of "This site has no DNS entry," promptly turn off your computer and never use it again. Call technical support for advice on how to fix this problem.
Edutainment - Software that is written with the intent to educate and entertain. So far, all work done in this field is theoretical, as entertaining educational software is impossible to make.
FAQ - Fat Ass Quotient. The daily limit of how much time you spend on the internet multiplied by how much candy you eat while you sit around.
Flame - New users are encouraged to ask for Flames. They're messages from people who want to tell you how much they appreciate your existence.
FTP - Free TelePhones. Click on every site that says "FTP" to increase your chances of winning a free telephone.
GIF - A once popular image format, now primarily used for pornograhy banners.
GUI - Gross User Interface (See Windows 95/98).
Hacker - Anyone that uses America Online is a hacker. Hackers often speak entirely with their CAPS LOCK KEY on, so other hackers know who to pick out.
Hex Editors - Programs that let you play around with stuff you shouldn't.
Hub - It's short, reverse polish notation for the phrase "Uber Haxor" (UbH). Most America Online users are Uber Haxors.
ICQ - A program that helps people spend countless hours talking to strangers about Star Trek and other geeky topics.
Internet - A once useful method of exchanging information about math, science and academic research. It's now overrun by wankers, cocky 14 year old dweebs and home pages for people's pets.
IMHO - Integrated Modular Hypermedia Object. Anyone that knows anything about computers uses this phrase a lot. You should use it often too.
IRC - Precursor to ICQ. You know all those cool people who have lives and go out on the weekends? The people who don't go out on weekends hang out on IRC.
InterNIC - A group of people who control the universe.
ISDN - ISDN is needed for people who are impatient or ANSI (mainly people who want to look at porn faster).
ISP - Institute of Stupid People. This is what people are talking about when they say they're affiliated with an ISP.
Java - This word has no real significance other than it sounds really annoying when said fast and repeatedly.
Kernel - The internet way of referring to Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
LAN - Lame Ass Network. Most schools, businesses and libraries use a LAN to connect computers together locally.
Legacy Systems - Worthless computers that break down often and cost a company millions of dollars to maintain.
LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you're a lame ass and they don't like you.
Megahertz - This is what you say when you're wounded or sick. Proper usage would be "My arm megahertz."
Millenium Bug - This is a virus the media has contracted to annoy everyone until the year 2000 has passed, at which time we can all go on with our lives and forget about this bullshit.
Microsoft - Commonly known as the "evil empire," and "world domination, inc." Maker of software caked with bugs. Violently against innovation of any kind.
NNTP - National Nerd Transaction Process. The act of buying Star Trek or Babylon 5 memorabilia.
NYSPOS - No, You Stupid Piece Of Shit.
OOP - Followed by an "s," or "oops," it's the worst thing you can hear from a system administrator.
Ping - The sequel to the popular game "Pong."
PCI - Poor Concept Innovation (See Microsoft).
PPP - Porn Porn Porn! A wanker's paradise.
Quake - If someone challenges you to quake, always accept the challenge and talk as much trash about them as you can. If you happen to win, gloat. If not, quit the game prematurely and be a bad sport about it.
Routers - The magic gnomes that transfer all queries on the internet.
Shareware - Neutered software.
Syntax - Some random rules you have to follow while programming to make your life more difficult.
Surf - All internet savvy people use the phrase "I surf the web" all the time. You should too.
Teleconference - A fancy way of saying "I'm using the phone." Executives love saying this word because they think they sound intelligent at meetings when they do.
Unix - Unix or Uniks are people who have their eye brows grown together so it appears as one.
Usenet - It's how people in Alabama say they're "using 'it'."
Virus - See Windows 95/98.
VGA - Very Gaseous Ass. Someone who farts a lot.
Windows NT - Microsoft's "about-damn-time" solution to Unix's 20 year head start. Popular with people who don't know unix well enough to rely on it entirely.
Windows 95/98 - An operating system riddeled with bugs and ineffective utilities.
Web Master - A web designer with an ego.
XModem - A modem only used for downloading porn.
Y2K - Overhyped bullshit.
Zoom Modems - Modems that are horribly slow and impossible to configure.
maddox.xmission.com
.
Recently I've noticed that there are quite a few people who still aren't familiar with all of the common terms and acronyms associated with the internet. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I've decided to help define these terms and acronyms so our new internet friends can feel comfortable using them.
Definitions:
Active X - This phrase is used to distinguish web sites with adult or pornographic content (hence the "X").
AGP - Aroma Gust Protocal. A code used to let other internet users know you've detected a fart.
AI - The gramatically incorrect way of saying "an eye."
ANSI - Children that can't sit still or fidget too much are considered antsy (ANSI is the common internet way of saying this). When you grow impatient with something, tell people you're feeling ANSI (this will make you sound intelligent).
ASCII - Pronounced "Ass Key." This is a term used in most gay and bisexual news groups to let someone know you're interested in them. All ass pirates use an ASCII as their method of exploiting ass. (No relation to real pirates.)
API - This is a short way of saying "a pie." It would be correct usage to say "My friend baked me API."
Bandwidth - This is what the internet had before it became a popular means of distributing pornography.
Basic - A useless programming language designed to frustrate and confuse users (See COBOL for more on useless programming languages).
Binary - This is what real programmers write their code in.
BIOS - BI-sexual Operating System. A politically correct operating system pre-installed on Macintosh systems.
Beta Version - The final state of a program published by Microsoft.
Browser - A program used by people who are intimidated by looking at raw HTML code. (See "Cowards" for more on people that are intimidated by raw HTML code)
Cache - Potentially incriminating evidence... ahem.
CD-ROM - An object that costs approximately 3 cents to make that the music industry uses to cheat hard working people out of $15 dollars with.
CGI - Computer Glossary Index. Anyone that wants to sound intelligent in a computer conversation needs to mention that own a CGI.
COBOL - A programming language with broken, ugly code and ass-backwards syntax.
Compiler - A program designed to tell you how wrong you are. It's a great way to induce stress and frustration.
Compression - The communistic model of government. Or was that suppression?
Cowards - People that are afraid to use vi, pico, or any other unix-based text editor to develop web pages.
Cursor - Pronounced "Curse-OR." The name of a robot from a popular 1950's B movie about a robot that cusses like a sailor.
Database - This is something the IRS uses to check up on honest, hard-working citizens to give them a hard time.
Direct X - Direct access to a site with pornographic or adult content.
DOS - A bastardized copy of the operating system CP/M.
DNS - Destroyed Node Sequence. This is a fatal error caused by a virus on the internet. If you try going to a web site and it says something to the effect of "This site has no DNS entry," promptly turn off your computer and never use it again. Call technical support for advice on how to fix this problem.
Edutainment - Software that is written with the intent to educate and entertain. So far, all work done in this field is theoretical, as entertaining educational software is impossible to make.
FAQ - Fat Ass Quotient. The daily limit of how much time you spend on the internet multiplied by how much candy you eat while you sit around.
Flame - New users are encouraged to ask for Flames. They're messages from people who want to tell you how much they appreciate your existence.
FTP - Free TelePhones. Click on every site that says "FTP" to increase your chances of winning a free telephone.
GIF - A once popular image format, now primarily used for pornograhy banners.
GUI - Gross User Interface (See Windows 95/98).
Hacker - Anyone that uses America Online is a hacker. Hackers often speak entirely with their CAPS LOCK KEY on, so other hackers know who to pick out.
Hex Editors - Programs that let you play around with stuff you shouldn't.
Hub - It's short, reverse polish notation for the phrase "Uber Haxor" (UbH). Most America Online users are Uber Haxors.
ICQ - A program that helps people spend countless hours talking to strangers about Star Trek and other geeky topics.
Internet - A once useful method of exchanging information about math, science and academic research. It's now overrun by wankers, cocky 14 year old dweebs and home pages for people's pets.
IMHO - Integrated Modular Hypermedia Object. Anyone that knows anything about computers uses this phrase a lot. You should use it often too.
IRC - Precursor to ICQ. You know all those cool people who have lives and go out on the weekends? The people who don't go out on weekends hang out on IRC.
InterNIC - A group of people who control the universe.
ISDN - ISDN is needed for people who are impatient or ANSI (mainly people who want to look at porn faster).
ISP - Institute of Stupid People. This is what people are talking about when they say they're affiliated with an ISP.
Java - This word has no real significance other than it sounds really annoying when said fast and repeatedly.
Kernel - The internet way of referring to Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
LAN - Lame Ass Network. Most schools, businesses and libraries use a LAN to connect computers together locally.
Legacy Systems - Worthless computers that break down often and cost a company millions of dollars to maintain.
LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you're a lame ass and they don't like you.
Megahertz - This is what you say when you're wounded or sick. Proper usage would be "My arm megahertz."
Millenium Bug - This is a virus the media has contracted to annoy everyone until the year 2000 has passed, at which time we can all go on with our lives and forget about this bullshit.
Microsoft - Commonly known as the "evil empire," and "world domination, inc." Maker of software caked with bugs. Violently against innovation of any kind.
NNTP - National Nerd Transaction Process. The act of buying Star Trek or Babylon 5 memorabilia.
NYSPOS - No, You Stupid Piece Of Shit.
OOP - Followed by an "s," or "oops," it's the worst thing you can hear from a system administrator.
Ping - The sequel to the popular game "Pong."
PCI - Poor Concept Innovation (See Microsoft).
PPP - Porn Porn Porn! A wanker's paradise.
Quake - If someone challenges you to quake, always accept the challenge and talk as much trash about them as you can. If you happen to win, gloat. If not, quit the game prematurely and be a bad sport about it.
Routers - The magic gnomes that transfer all queries on the internet.
Shareware - Neutered software.
Syntax - Some random rules you have to follow while programming to make your life more difficult.
Surf - All internet savvy people use the phrase "I surf the web" all the time. You should too.
Teleconference - A fancy way of saying "I'm using the phone." Executives love saying this word because they think they sound intelligent at meetings when they do.
Unix - Unix or Uniks are people who have their eye brows grown together so it appears as one.
Usenet - It's how people in Alabama say they're "using 'it'."
Virus - See Windows 95/98.
VGA - Very Gaseous Ass. Someone who farts a lot.
Windows NT - Microsoft's "about-damn-time" solution to Unix's 20 year head start. Popular with people who don't know unix well enough to rely on it entirely.
Windows 95/98 - An operating system riddeled with bugs and ineffective utilities.
Web Master - A web designer with an ego.
XModem - A modem only used for downloading porn.
Y2K - Overhyped bullshit.
Zoom Modems - Modems that are horribly slow and impossible to configure.
maddox.xmission.com
The real "Instructions for life"
The other day I received some chain mail titled " INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE." The message header contained the standard chain mail signature: "This is a good luck poem.. send it to 10 people in the next two days and you will get eternal happiness. If you don't your ***** will fall off and you will burn in hell.." or something similar. In the body of the message was a long list of sappy feel good rules and guidelines to live by. Most of it was just rehashed bullshit that you're told from the minute you're born. Stuff like:
When you say "I love you," mean it.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't dream don't have much.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Say bless you when you hear someone sneeze.
Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
Dance as if no one's looking; sing as if no one's listening, work like you don't need the money; love as if you've never been hurt.
I had to stop reading after that last one to fight back spasms of vomit and sheer disgust. That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever read. "Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss." What the hell is that supposed to mean? How can you tell if your partner has his or her eyes open while you kiss unless you have your eyes open? ANSWER ME DAMMIT. "Dance as if no one's looking" NO ASSHOLE. YOU DANCE. I HATE dancing. Leave me the hell alone already. Dance as if nobody's looking.. what a shitty idea.
Anyway, I've decided to make my own set of "Instructions for life." This is the real list people should live by, not that idealistic bullshit up above. Here's how it is:
It doesn't matter how much you give, there will always be greedy bastards out to take more.
Don't take time out of work to enjoy life's simple pleasures (you'll get fired).
Unless you're rich, nothing you have to say is important.
Love is only as eternal as your wallet.
When you realize you've made a mistake, do the cowardly thing and call it a policy.
If you appreciate the work someone is doing for you, don't tell them. Doing that might warrant a raise that you could spend on yourself.
If you're ugly, you will never get laid (ever).
You must surrender all hopes and dreams to the company you work for because dreaming isn't profitable.
Don't judge people by how they look (except when it comes to love, marriage, employment and net worth).
If you get promoted, don't change the way things are done (no matter how shitty you thought they were-- you're one of them now which makes it okay to walk on people).
It doesn't matter how well you do your job, it's how much ass you kiss.
Live a good, honest, decent life. Just kidding. Lie, cheat and screw around.
Share your wealth with those less fortunate, or at least say that you do to inflate your ego.
Remember that what you wear dictates who your friends are.
There it is. The real rules of life. Not as enthusiastic sounding, but who cares?
maddox.xmission.com
The other day I received some chain mail titled " INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE." The message header contained the standard chain mail signature: "This is a good luck poem.. send it to 10 people in the next two days and you will get eternal happiness. If you don't your ***** will fall off and you will burn in hell.." or something similar. In the body of the message was a long list of sappy feel good rules and guidelines to live by. Most of it was just rehashed bullshit that you're told from the minute you're born. Stuff like:
When you say "I love you," mean it.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't dream don't have much.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Say bless you when you hear someone sneeze.
Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
Dance as if no one's looking; sing as if no one's listening, work like you don't need the money; love as if you've never been hurt.
I had to stop reading after that last one to fight back spasms of vomit and sheer disgust. That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever read. "Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss." What the hell is that supposed to mean? How can you tell if your partner has his or her eyes open while you kiss unless you have your eyes open? ANSWER ME DAMMIT. "Dance as if no one's looking" NO ASSHOLE. YOU DANCE. I HATE dancing. Leave me the hell alone already. Dance as if nobody's looking.. what a shitty idea.
Anyway, I've decided to make my own set of "Instructions for life." This is the real list people should live by, not that idealistic bullshit up above. Here's how it is:
It doesn't matter how much you give, there will always be greedy bastards out to take more.
Don't take time out of work to enjoy life's simple pleasures (you'll get fired).
Unless you're rich, nothing you have to say is important.
Love is only as eternal as your wallet.
When you realize you've made a mistake, do the cowardly thing and call it a policy.
If you appreciate the work someone is doing for you, don't tell them. Doing that might warrant a raise that you could spend on yourself.
If you're ugly, you will never get laid (ever).
You must surrender all hopes and dreams to the company you work for because dreaming isn't profitable.
Don't judge people by how they look (except when it comes to love, marriage, employment and net worth).
If you get promoted, don't change the way things are done (no matter how shitty you thought they were-- you're one of them now which makes it okay to walk on people).
It doesn't matter how well you do your job, it's how much ass you kiss.
Live a good, honest, decent life. Just kidding. Lie, cheat and screw around.
Share your wealth with those less fortunate, or at least say that you do to inflate your ego.
Remember that what you wear dictates who your friends are.
There it is. The real rules of life. Not as enthusiastic sounding, but who cares?
maddox.xmission.com
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied:"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately.
The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about
it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq. root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied:"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately.
The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about
it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq. root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
At a crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God," he cried out in relief. "I'm saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock after seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.
"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
"Thank God," he cried out in relief. "I'm saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock after seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.
"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
I got these by email.. not bad..
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
A woman wanted to know if her three sons-in-law loved her and appreciated her contribution to their lives.
So one warm Sunday afternoon she invited her first son-in-law for a walk by the river. As they approached the river, she pretended to pick a flower from the river bank, slipped and fell into the river. She flapped her arms around pretending to be drowning. Without hesitation, her son-in-law jumped into the water and saved her, A few days later, her son-in-law found a shining new Geo Metro in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your mother-in-law who loves you."
The following Sunday, she invited her second son-in-law for a walk by the river, and went through the same exercise. Again, and without hesitation, her second son-in-law jumped into the river and saved her. A few days later, he also found a shining new Geo Metro in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your mother-in-law who loves you."
The following Sunday, she invited her third son-in-law for a similar walk. This time, the current was so strong that she was swept away and actually drowned. Her son-in-law did not move a muscle, thinking that this was the day he was waiting for. A few days later, he found a brand new Porsche in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your father-in-law, who really loves you very much."
So one warm Sunday afternoon she invited her first son-in-law for a walk by the river. As they approached the river, she pretended to pick a flower from the river bank, slipped and fell into the river. She flapped her arms around pretending to be drowning. Without hesitation, her son-in-law jumped into the water and saved her, A few days later, her son-in-law found a shining new Geo Metro in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your mother-in-law who loves you."
The following Sunday, she invited her second son-in-law for a walk by the river, and went through the same exercise. Again, and without hesitation, her second son-in-law jumped into the river and saved her. A few days later, he also found a shining new Geo Metro in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your mother-in-law who loves you."
The following Sunday, she invited her third son-in-law for a similar walk. This time, the current was so strong that she was swept away and actually drowned. Her son-in-law did not move a muscle, thinking that this was the day he was waiting for. A few days later, he found a brand new Porsche in his driveway with a note saying, "With thanks from your father-in-law, who really loves you very much."
>18 things to do at Lord Of The Rings III
> >
> >1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly,
> >"Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
> >
> >2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming:
> >"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
> >
> >3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout:
> >"I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to
> >jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return
> >quietly to your seat.
> >
> >4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip
> >every time someone says: "The Ring."
> >
> >5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
> >
> >6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went
> >to Hogwarts
> >
> >7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr.
> >Anderson."
> >
> >8. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to
> >Ethiopians
> >
> >9. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end,
> >bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
> >
> >10. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you
> >on the back of the neck.
> >
> >11. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of
> >Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
> >
> >12. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
> >
> >13. Ask people around you who they think is the next
> >"Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future
> >to assassinate Frodo Baggins
> >
> >14. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to
> >war,
> >stand up and
> >shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
> >
> >15. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's
> >what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before
> >you get kicked out of the theatre.
> >
> >16. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's
> >Wally?"
> >
> >17. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a
> >single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the
> >movie.
> >
> >18. After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it
> >better."
I love number 14.
> >
> >1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly,
> >"Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
> >
> >2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming:
> >"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
> >
> >3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout:
> >"I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to
> >jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return
> >quietly to your seat.
> >
> >4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip
> >every time someone says: "The Ring."
> >
> >5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
> >
> >6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went
> >to Hogwarts
> >
> >7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr.
> >Anderson."
> >
> >8. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to
> >Ethiopians
> >
> >9. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end,
> >bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
> >
> >10. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you
> >on the back of the neck.
> >
> >11. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of
> >Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
> >
> >12. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
> >
> >13. Ask people around you who they think is the next
> >"Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future
> >to assassinate Frodo Baggins
> >
> >14. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to
> >war,
> >stand up and
> >shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
> >
> >15. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's
> >what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before
> >you get kicked out of the theatre.
> >
> >16. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's
> >Wally?"
> >
> >17. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a
> >single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the
> >movie.
> >
> >18. After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it
> >better."
I love number 14.