Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (200 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at the blank screen and screamed every curse known to man.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching, frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out."
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at the blank screen and screamed every curse known to man.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching, frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out."
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
i dont know if this has already been posted, but here something stupid anyhow:
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded
annually for the most extreme act of (usually terminal) stupidity.
They are now in for 2003. Enjoy. Actually, they probably didn't!
First Place - The 2003 Darwin Award Winner. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he
was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15 (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description
of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,
flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper
still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
HERE'S A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded
annually for the most extreme act of (usually terminal) stupidity.
They are now in for 2003. Enjoy. Actually, they probably didn't!
First Place - The 2003 Darwin Award Winner. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he
was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15 (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description
of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,
flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper
still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
HERE'S A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond
his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he
jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying
to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond
his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he
jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying
to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets
in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five
years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody with imagination."
the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five
years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever
held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you
wanted somebody with imagination."
Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card
with a big red F.
"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you
still can."
"Why is that?" asked the teacher.
"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more
failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."
with a big red F.
"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you
still can."
"Why is that?" asked the teacher.
"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more
failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."
Students Letter to Dad:
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
The Reply:
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
The Reply:
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Kinda gross...
Poo ®
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet
paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl,
but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped.
So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid
marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that
your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or
splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants
are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to
poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrahage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn
purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it
down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your
pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the
advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear
it's got to be coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the
water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead,
you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they
run out gagging and gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop.
Poo ®
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet
paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl,
but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped.
So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid
marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that
your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or
splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants
are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to
poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrahage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn
purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it
down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your
pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the
advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear
it's got to be coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the
water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead,
you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they
run out gagging and gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop.
Funny Instruction Labels (Rated PG)
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)
Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic? (Rated PG)
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical
Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing
questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass
Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:
"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with
proof."
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have
some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So,
at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does
not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you
are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more
than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the
number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the
rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in
order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio
of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will
increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by
Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not
succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be
correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical
Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing
questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass
Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:
"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with
proof."
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have
some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So,
at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does
not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you
are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more
than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the
number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the
rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in
order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio
of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will
increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by
Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not
succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be
correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
21 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator (Rated PG)
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the
side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is
that your beeper?"
16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red
buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal
space."
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other
passengers.
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the
side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is
that your beeper?"
16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red
buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal
space."
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other
passengers.
