Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Fred]

Hollywood Has Taught Us:

* At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

* Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

* All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

* All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

*A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

*Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their polar opposite.

 

[Martin]

You haven't seen that one before? Wow. It's been around the internet since like 1975

 

[Wahdan]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "OK, jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, and of reaching my full potential as a person.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up: "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

 

[ALC]

Everyone LOVES hash brownies. I bring meth cupcakes to the party and suddenly I'm the asshole!

Nick Swardson, his whole standup was funny as shit

 

[bianconero]

You haven't seen that one before? Wow. It's been around the internet since like 1975

It was originally written in hieroglyphics.

 

[Martin]

It was originally written in hieroglyphics.

Yes, but not the common people's kind of hieroglyphics.

 

[ReBeL]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."

"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

[V]

Hahahaha, that's good.

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

Yeah

 

[ReBeL]

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt." "Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?" The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!" Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."

 

[ReBeL]

How can they hunt elephants?

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute this Algorithm on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.:d

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.:*l:

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.:d

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
1. Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
2. Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.:*l:

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

 

[ReBeL]

Q: Wha't big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.

Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.

Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.

Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagon parked outside with 3 elephants in it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagon, put four elephants in another Volkswagon, and put the two Volkswagons in the refrigerator.

Q: But two Volkswagons won't fit in a refrigerator.
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagon isn't as big as an elephant!

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
A: You can't. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.

Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See, their camoflauge is working.

Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an helicopter.

Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.

Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.

Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I hope you don't do the grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.

Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it's working!

Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.

Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On television.

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

 

[Martin]

Those two are sweet, Reb. The computer scientist example is exactly correct btw.

 

[ReBeL]

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

 

[swag]

An oldie, but got this in email and it did make me laugh again...

 

[Delle Alpi]

An oldie, but got this in email and it did make me laugh again...

 

[GordoDeCentral]

 

[X Æ A-12]

How would granny know all of that?

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

Are you brave enough to ask the granny that?