Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A guy manages to sneak in to the Olimpico at a sold out Derby D'Italia game... He spends the entire first half searching for a place to sit, and eventually, he finds an empty seat near one occupied by a middle aged man... Astounded, he walks up to the guy and asks him how come the seat is empty. The man replies that he and his wife had a 25 year old tradition to watch the Derby D'Italia every single year in the Olimpico in these specific seats. However, his wife passed away but he wanted to honor her memory by always attending the game and getting tickets for these 2 seats. The man tells him that he could've gotten a friend or another family member to come watch the game with him instead of wasting such a good seat for nothing, but the man replies: "I wanted to, but they're all at her funeral"
Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):
``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
That's awesome
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you.”
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you.”
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."
at both
A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."
"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"
"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!”
**
Two blond-haired men named Bob and Ben go camping. They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener. Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!”
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben. Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!”
**
A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, Officer,” she said: “how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied: "Wait here at this bus stop for the No. 54 bus. It'll take you right there.”
She thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said: "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the No. 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied: "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 49th bus just went by!"
"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"
"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!”
**
Two blond-haired men named Bob and Ben go camping. They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener. Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!”
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben. Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!”
**
A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, Officer,” she said: “how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied: "Wait here at this bus stop for the No. 54 bus. It'll take you right there.”
She thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said: "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the No. 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied: "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 49th bus just went by!"