A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."
"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"
"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!”
**
Two blond-haired men named Bob and Ben go camping. They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener. Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!”
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben. Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not f*cking going!”
**
A blonde was visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, Officer,” she said: “how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied: "Wait here at this bus stop for the No. 54 bus. It'll take you right there.”
She thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said: "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the No. 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied: "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 49th bus just went by!"