Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (31 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Je-
sus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and con-
tinued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed.. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus!"
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Je-
sus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and con-
tinued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed.. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus!"
Next morning
============
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her
dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit."
"And why not, darling?", he asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Recovering
==========
Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out
of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case
I've treated; the others all died."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Assistance
==========
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form
stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of
whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had
prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said,
"You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
============
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her
dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit."
"And why not, darling?", he asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Recovering
==========
Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out
of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case
I've treated; the others all died."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Assistance
==========
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form
stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of
whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had
prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said,
"You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
These may be offensive to some people, but what the hell:
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2.
And we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!
---------------------------------------------
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2.
And we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!
---------------------------------------------
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
