Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)

[Ahmed]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[The Curr]

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

 

[Buck Fuddy]

A few years ago now, I got kicked out of primary school. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.



Q: What's white on top and black on bottom?

A: Society

 

[The Curr]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

 

[Red]

Here is an amusing story I got linked to from an Aberdeen forum.

Some adult content (not pictures), if you want to avoid it.

http://newcastleunited.rivals.net/FORUM/pgePosts.aspx?boardId=103&clubId=55&threadId=520491&pageNumber=1

 

[Cuti]

Fucking hell haha

 

[BillyG]

Fucking hell haha

for real....

 

[Seven]

Why do you insist on using my avatar?

 

[BillyG]

i didn't use ur av....i was lookin for a unique pic of pavel during his tribute week, & found this one. i didn't realise anybody else had this pic until last week when i saw ur av which i was annoyed about.

 

[Henry]

Here is an amusing story I got linked to from an Aberdeen forum.

Some adult content (not pictures), if you want to avoid it.

http://newcastleunited.rivals.net/F...Id=103&clubId=55&threadId=520491&pageNumber=1

mother of god...

 

[Martin]

Angry Russian boss pays workers in coins

MOSCOW (AFP) -- Two Russian women got an unpleasant surprise when their former boss paid them more than 1,000 dollars to settle a labor dispute -- in dozens of heavy bags full of tiny coins.

The women, Anfisa Sizhuk and Anzhelika Shemyakina, were laid off amid the global financial crisis and had demanded that their boss pay them for unused vacation time, the Komsomolskaya Pravda daily reported on Friday.

The two had worked as office managers for Deco-Line, a company that installs ceilings in Russia's far eastern city of Vladivostok. When the company refused to pay, Sizhuk and Shemyakina complained to Russian labor authorities.

Finally the director of the company relented and said he would pay the women the 36,000 rubles (1,150 dollars, 830 euros) they were demanding.

But when the company delivered the money, it came in 33 bags filled mostly with five-kopek coins, a virtually useless piece of currency that Russia keeps in circulation though it is worth only a fraction of a cent.

Sizhuk and Shemyakina had to call friends to help them carry the bags, which weighed around 20 kilograms (44 pounds). But their boss was unrepentant when a reporter from Komsomolskaya Pravda asked for an explanation.

“The girls wanted to get a lot of money, and they got it. What difference does it make what sort of units it came in?” Deco-Line director Konstantin Lyalikov told the newspaper.

 

[Diego_28]

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Michael Jackson didnt die of cardiac arrest, as he was actually last seen in the childrens ward having a stroke

 

[Red]

 

[Ahmed]

most of the time these British SMS jokes are really lame

 

[Diego_28]

It was inevitable that Cristiano Ronaldo would follow Kaka to Real Madrid.
A Brazilian is always followed by an irritating cunt.

 

[chester]

Marriage Q&A with kids
---------------------------

How do you decide who to marry?
-------------------------------
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out la-
ter who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


What is the right age to get married?
-------------------------------------
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get mar-
ried.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
--------------------------------------------------
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
--------------------------------------------------
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


What do most people do on a date?
---------------------------------
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10


What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
--------------------------------------------------------
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead co-
lumns.
-- Craig, age 9


When is it okay to kiss someone?
--------------------------------
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
do.
-- Howard, age 8


Is it better to be single or married?
-------------------------------------
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm ne-
ver going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.
-- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is...

How would you make a marriage work?
-----------------------------------
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[Kosta]

 

[The Curr]

I just got this in an email:

From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8
coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same
charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine.
The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management
phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking
attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said
"The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The
Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car
park fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!

Total sum just short £2.9 million

 

[Martin]

I'd say he earned it, 23 years

 

[Diego_28]

I just got this in an email:

That is Fkin quality